OT: Need advice (Custody issues)
Results 1 to 17 of 17
  1. #17
    Gold Phenster stilltryin08's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    BFE
    Posts
    913

    Default

    Thanks everyone. I am going to delete my original post just in case! But I appreciate all the words. My DD and I are supposed to spend some time together when I get off work today and have a overnight road trip. So I hope we can really talk then!
    7lbs to goal
    "Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!"~anonymous

  2. Advertising
    advertising
     

  3. #16
    Silver Phenster luvlex1017's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    WA
    Posts
    274

    Default

    Yohkos, I had no problem with our VA loan. A lot of loan agents want to push other loans because they make more money. The only thing they WOULD be a hassle about is they are more picky when it comes to inspections. But it took me less than 30 days for ours to finish up and it was a breeze. They aren't picky on WHAT kind of home you buy as long as it meets standards. We bought a manufactured and had no problems. And all we had to do was explain in a letter and credit discrepancies. So it is easier than they made it out to sound.

    stilltryin, I wouldn't worry to much (((hugs))) . I think at one point all parents lose control of their teenagers regardless. But you and your daughter will BOTH make it out of this for the better. The second you think they are being abusive or neglectful or anything, don't hesitate to pull in the reigns. I'm sure it will be hard on you, I have no doubts. But we are here for you to vent to whenever.
    HW 227
    SW 221

    6/14 221
    6/21 218
    6/28 213
    7/5 212
    7/12 210
    7/19 209.2
    7/26 210.6 (no phen ten days)
    8/1 207.0 (back on phen 7/29)
    8/8 204.6
    8/15 202
    8/22 200.2
    8/29 200.2
    9/5 198.4
    9/12 195.3
    10/3 195 (stuck-phen break for me!)
    10/10 194
    10/31 191.4
    11/14 192 (still no phen)
    12/19 190

    First mini-goal 200 (MET)
    Second mini-goal 180

  4. #15
    Gold Phenster stilltryin08's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    BFE
    Posts
    913

    Default

    I agree my DD will change and is constantly changing as she grows. I have witnessed a lot of NOT SO POSITIVE parenting skills from both my ex and his wife...they change their minds at the drop of a hat. This is what has me so nervous. I have a couple friends in the area they are supposed to be moving to who said they will keep some eyes on her and make sure she is ok.
    They do not have to move for jobs as his is on VA disability since he was hurt while in the marine corps. She doesnt work (she is WAY to lazy!!) She has worked a couple times and always quits....she just can not deal with working...

    Yohkos-I am not affraid of losing control of her. I just do not see them as good parents. I have saw too many times the crap they do including many poor choices....this is what worries me.

    I appreciate all your words. They are going to be back today or tomorrow and I am supposed to sit down with him and work some details out.
    7lbs to goal
    "Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!"~anonymous

  5. #14
    Silver Phenster yohkos's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    153

    Default

    I know VA loans are good to have. Plan on using mine sometime, but I have also heard that they do take time and are difficult sometimes to get..... considering credit, the home he is buying, etc. A Realtor I spoke to once said the VA loans are a hassle and they would rather their client finance a different way. Don't assume he is trying to get over on you.

    I love my kids, but through all the stuff that we have been through, I don't think I could be a parent in my next life. We are here supporting you, it is not an easy situation you are in. Don't let the stress put pounds on!! You daughter will be a different person when she gets a little older...be patient.

  6. #13
    Silver Phenster luvlex1017's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    WA
    Posts
    274

    Default

    I don't think she said he is moving to Virginia, just getting a VA (veterans affairs) loan. And the max loan amount for a VA loan with no down payment is over $400,000.
    HW 227
    SW 221

    6/14 221
    6/21 218
    6/28 213
    7/5 212
    7/12 210
    7/19 209.2
    7/26 210.6 (no phen ten days)
    8/1 207.0 (back on phen 7/29)
    8/8 204.6
    8/15 202
    8/22 200.2
    8/29 200.2
    9/5 198.4
    9/12 195.3
    10/3 195 (stuck-phen break for me!)
    10/10 194
    10/31 191.4
    11/14 192 (still no phen)
    12/19 190

    First mini-goal 200 (MET)
    Second mini-goal 180

  7. #12
    Silver Phenster MaggieinATL's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    379

    Default

    If he is moving to VA in the metro area, he probably needs a jumbo VA which means he has to put down 25% of what he is requesting OVER what the jumbo covers. That can take some time.

    As for moving around, they have kids too. Do you REALLY think they would want to move their kids from school to school over and over? I'm not suggesting anything, just pointing out that if they have ANY good parenting skills, they would be looking for stability for ALL the kids, including your daughter.

    Here's what I would do: stipulate to custody as long as the daughter stays in a stable enviroment and DOES NOT CHANGE SCHOOL DISTRICTS. If he has to pay to keep in the same school district, well, he's going to have to show it matters. As for the housing arrangements, they could be terrible parents, they could be great parents-I don't know but, if you keep the wording vague, it gives you more control if circumstances change.

    Just a thought. Hope things go well for both of you. It's just as hard to let her go as it is for her to look back and realize she wasn't the nicest she should be to her mom, said the girl who looks back alot

    Current weight 179 NOVEMBER 2008

    STARTING WEIGHT: 219 JUNE 2008

    CURRENT WEIGHT: 179 JUNE 2008

    GOAL WEIGHT: 149 FEBRUARY 2009

    STRETCH OBJECTIVE: 139 March 2009

  8. #11
    Silver Phenster luvlex1017's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    WA
    Posts
    274

    Default

    I think it is probably pretty typical behavior.
    As far as not moving every 6 months, I agree with you there. You could maybe go to court and give him temporary custody with that stipulation.

    My only question is, why three months for a VA loan? We just got a VA loan last November, takes the same as any other loan, about 30 days. And why can't they stay where they are until the loan goes through, new job?
    HW 227
    SW 221

    6/14 221
    6/21 218
    6/28 213
    7/5 212
    7/12 210
    7/19 209.2
    7/26 210.6 (no phen ten days)
    8/1 207.0 (back on phen 7/29)
    8/8 204.6
    8/15 202
    8/22 200.2
    8/29 200.2
    9/5 198.4
    9/12 195.3
    10/3 195 (stuck-phen break for me!)
    10/10 194
    10/31 191.4
    11/14 192 (still no phen)
    12/19 190

    First mini-goal 200 (MET)
    Second mini-goal 180

  9. #10
    Silver Phenster yohkos's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    153

    Default

    Mothers and daughters go through a lot when they are in their teens, sometimes it seems the battles will never stop. She may be subconsciously trying to gain her independence from you.

    Know what you can control and what you can't. You said yourself she will probably be back in a month, so why all the worries about rental houses, etc. If she knows the circumstances and is willing to move house to house, let her. Not to be mean, but since you have had her for so long, are you afraid of letting go and the control that goes with it? It is only natural to feel this way, but sometimes we can't call all the shots.

    You said they have three young children, don't be surprised if she gets sick of babysitting.

    Be prepared if she decides to stay and like someone said, be able to forgive her and not take it personally. I have a friend at work. Her daughter and her will never have a close relationship because mom took it personally when her daughter went to live with dad when she was 12. Her daughter just graduated from college and mom didn't even go to her graduation. Had all kinds of excuses. The mom just can't let it go. It's sad.

  10. #9
    Gold Phenster stilltryin08's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    BFE
    Posts
    913

    Default

    Goth-that is what I am hoping for. Since with her dad she is more of a built in babysitter. Where as at home (my house) she never was asked to babysit for us. I always let grandma do it so the older two and I could go to the movies or shopping....plus at dads money isnt going to be just handed out like it was at our house...she is pretty high maint. and her dad wont give her money for things like we did....
    7lbs to goal
    "Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!"~anonymous

  11. #8
    Diamond Phenster gothprincess's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Hell...
    Posts
    2,398

    Default

    I completely understand. My ex and I couldn't even talk without involving the mediator. Hopefully it all works out for you. She might get there and find out it's not all roses at dad's either. Hang in there!!

  12. #7
    Gold Phenster stilltryin08's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    BFE
    Posts
    913

    Default

    GOTH- I just dont want them to be able to keep moving every six months or so. I dont care really WHERE they live as long as they STAY in one spot..... I actually do not argue much with him as we barely talk. We are not going through COURT, I do not feel we need to do that. We are all adults and should be able to work things out between us. I want it put in that he can not leave the state/area that he wants to move back to....unless they move back to where I am. I am trying to keep the peace as much as possible for my DD's sake.
    7lbs to goal
    "Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!"~anonymous

  13. #6
    Diamond Phenster gothprincess's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Hell...
    Posts
    2,398

    Default

    Been there/Done that with my twins! I have only read your 1st post so far, but I went through this with one of my twins. We had joint custody(I had physical custody). When they were 16(both boys), JA(his initials) wanted to go live with his sperm-donor. I took awhile and thought about and talked it over with my hubby, and we decided we would let him. My ONLY condition was for my son...He had to live with his dad until he was 18. He couldn't come back and live with us just because he didn't like living there. He agreed and went to live with his dad. His brother, JS(his initials), never wanted to go live with his sperm-donor. That was in 2002...the twins are now 22.

    As much as you want too, you can't dictact to your ex where he can and can't live. That will only cause problems that you don't need. Since your daughter is 15, if you do keep fighting him, he can go back to court and she can tell the judge where she wants to live. I had it put in our custody papers that he couldn't move the kids out of the state without my approval while they were with him.

    Tell him this is a TRIAL PERIOD and that you will not give up sole custody just yet. Also agree that he doesn't have to pay child support since one child will be living with you and one with him. I was so happy when mine turned 18 and I never had to deal with d*ckhead again.

    Trust me...I've been through everything with my ex. He was also abusive(physically/verbally) to me and the twins so I fought him on everything. We even had a mediator that worked for our judge so I could call her 24/7 if I had any problems with him.

  14. #5
    Gold Phenster stilltryin08's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    BFE
    Posts
    913

    Default

    Mapgirl-thanks! I did this when I was 13, moved in with the father I didnt know....but that only lasted for 1 month. I was miserable. Called mom and she flew me home. I will never hold this pain against my daughter, I know she is having some emotional issues and I hope she is happy. But I will be there when she wants to come home. I guess I am more hurt by the actions/behaviours of my ex. He is not being at all considerate with all this to me. Even though I graciously handed her over to him...I didnt make them beg/fight about it...I just said if it is what SHE wants then we will try it. I want her home with me and her brother and half-sister and step dad. But that is a choice she needs to make.....
    7lbs to goal
    "Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!"~anonymous

  15. #4
    Gold Phenster mapgirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    625

    Default

    Still trying I wouldn't take your daughter's wanting to move personal. I know hard to do. Now I don't know you or your family but, I can share my experience. My parents divorced when I was 13. My dad moved out of state when I was 15 and he wanted my brothers and me to come live with him. My mom was a struggling single mother who worked 2 jobs and went to school at night. I was expected to cook, clean and be mommy to my brothers (one was 2.5 years older and the other was 5 years younger). When my dad asked us to move I was starting my Sophmore year. I really wanted to move with my dad and brothers. I knew that it would hurt my mom very deeply. The thought of having 2 parent figures at home (my dad remarried) and to have enough money to not worry about clothes, food, field trips, ect... was enough for me. I also wanted to "start fresh". No one knew me in that town and didn't know my past. I could be anyone I wanted to be. That was the number one reason I wanted to move. Could your daughter want this too? I did move back with my mother 2 years later. And she never let me forget that I hurt her. Crap I'm in my mid thirties and she still brings it up.

    So, I guess what I'm saying is: please don't hold this against her. Sometimes we make mistakes and have to learn on our own, but we always need a mom who forgives.
    Weight before Phen 175
    SW - 170 (started Phen 4/15/08)
    CW - 160 (4/29/08)
    CW - 152 (5-22-08)
    CW - 147 (6-9-08)
    cw- 133 (9-28-08)
    CW- 125.5 (11-13-08)
    CW - 123 (12-20-08)
    GW - 120


  16. #3
    Gold Phenster stilltryin08's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    BFE
    Posts
    913

    Default

    It sounds like she has the impression that her dad and step-mom will be more lenient with her, but that won't last for long.
    This is exactly what is happening. The rules are LAX at Dads house....GRRRRR

    I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who lives where this is all supposed to take place. I guess the H.S. she will be attending is probably a better choice so I am OK with that I guess. And he suggested that I stipulate that they are only allowed to move into a rental then into the house they are buying...not bounce from rental to rental. (I guess that is my BIG FEAR, since that is how he used to be. He and his wife literally moved every 6 months before they moved by me in this area...and I am so affraid they will start that crap again)

    I feel a little better now, but still frusterated with the situation as a whole.

    Supastar, thanks!!!!!! Your words mean a lot to me. I wasnt a child of divorce. My parents were never married, but I was raised with a single mother, my father never lived with us.
    7lbs to goal
    "Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!"~anonymous

  17. #2
    Bronze Phenster Supastar0284's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Harrisonburg, VA
    Posts
    75

    Default

    I Heart Cheesecake!
    Last edited by Supastar0284; August 7th, 2008 at 08:15 AM. Reason: Privacy
    *Amber*

    "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four
    unless there are three other people." ~ H.G. Welles







    Stay away from that icecream cake!


  18. #1
    Gold Phenster stilltryin08's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    BFE
    Posts
    913

    Angry OT: Need advice (Custody issues)

    Ok, this will be long and I am sorry. First the good news. I am 1lb away from where I was before I left on vacation. wooohooo.

    Now the stressful crap!!!


    DELETED FOR PRIVACY REASONS!!!
    Last edited by stilltryin08; July 28th, 2008 at 09:14 AM.
    7lbs to goal
    "Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!"~anonymous

Similar Threads

  1. Issues!
    By HeatherKhemraj in forum New Members
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: July 13th, 2008, 05:01 PM
  2. Issues!
    By HunnyBee in forum My Experience with Phentermine
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: June 19th, 2008, 09:18 PM
  3. I got issues!
    By Ronda033 in forum My Experience with Phentermine
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: May 16th, 2008, 01:55 PM
  4. Having some issues~ Please help....
    By Svelt_Sue in forum New Members
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: May 26th, 2005, 04:56 AM
  5. Advice on Parenting with Whining Issues..
    By mommy of twins in forum My Experience with Phentermine (Year 2003)
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: March 22nd, 2003, 12:53 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •