Totally OT
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Thread: Totally OT

  1. #12
    Gold Phenster countryasadirtroad's Avatar
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    Default Kinda Long....

    I think Thin4good said it all. I'm sorry you had to go through this cr*p. I had a best friend (without benefits) for over 8 yrs before we "got together". We moved in together after 6 months of dating and got engaged 6 months after that. One day I came home from work (at my usual time) and found him on the couch with a 16 yr old girl (he was 26). Disgusting, not to mention illegal. He appologized and cried and all that crap and I took him back. Then I found out he was txting a 18 yr old girl (at least she was legal) constantly and I told him after what happened (and I hated to do this) that he had to promise to stop talking other girls completely for me to stay. He did, then I found out the next month (when the phone bill came in) that he never stopped and then he lied about it when I confronted him. I left him and yet still had a few instances while we were in the "still trying to be friends" stage where I broke weak and slept with him. It was comforting at the time, but I look back on those instances now with regret that I was so weak. (not saying you are, this is just my story) I still think about him sometimes and miss him, but I KNOW I'm better off keeping him in the past.
    He's actually one of the people I can't wait to "run in to" up town once I lose more weight b'c when we got together AND broke up, I was big, and I would really like to rub it in his face. (not literally ) Oh, and an update... four years ago I saw him at my brothers graduation (he was there to watch his new girlfriend graduate... HIGH school!!). I was with my bf (now hubby) and he caught me on my way to bathroom and made a not nice comment on my bf and I said, "at least he doesn't have pedifile (sp) fetishes!" lol... The girl I had originally caught him with dropped out of HS, married his best friend after getting prego with his kid, and both are unemployeed. He is currently living with his parents AGAIN (he's now 30) and the last time I heard, he was back at his old sh*tty job. Life is so fair sometimes!!!
    210lbs-170lbs 10/01/08 - 3mo of phen & 3mo of just D&E
    208.5 lbs 05/04/10 - Wk 0 (started phen again)

    Mini Goal: 170lbs by my Vegas vacation in August



    Final Goal: 150lbs



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  3. #11
    Silver Phenster jazzygal72's Avatar
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    I TOTALLY didn't think that you came on to strong! no worries girl. Even if you had, i needed to hear it.

    If I ask for advice, I really want to know what you think- not what you think I want to hear!

    I appreciate every bit of it!!


    Thanks to all of you, I feel alot better about things today.


    I'll get you, my pretty and your little dog too!

  4. #10
    Gold Phenster thin4good's Avatar
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    Jazzy, I read what I wrote last night and I'm sorry if I came across too harsh. I just hate seeing good people suffer. My approach may have been a bit strong but please know my intentions were truly to support you! HUGS!
    41 down 36 to go!

    5/12/08 - 232.5 - Started Phen/lexapro combo
    5/29/08 - 218 -14.5 pounds in 2 weeks
    6/12/08 - 209.5 -8.5 for a total of 23 pounds in the first month!
    7/10/08 - 200 -9.5
    8/07/08 -192 -8
    9/18/08 - 185.5 -6.5
    12/8/08-191 +5.5

  5. #9
    Platinum Phenster sassychica's Avatar
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    (((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))

    I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to give you a big hug! You've been through SOOOOOO much!!

  6. #8
    Platinum Phenster dalako's Avatar
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    First ~ {{{{HUGS}}}} Losing a child is horrible.. I am so sorry for your loss!
    It's a tough decision. I was in a similar situation with my ex. We were engaged. He was a drunk, and when he came home.. if i pissed him off... i would meet his fist, the walls...etc. I was always there to clean up after him, pick up the pieces, handle $$, to 'mother him' when he needed. When he got arrested, he called me and i would bail him out... he wouldn't remember where his car was, i would go and find it... etc. Granted at that time, that is what I thought a relationship should be like... 'Taking care of your man". After 2 yrs of this, I began to realize that it wasn't a relationship. It was a relationship out of convience to him, I was there when he needed or wanted, for his control. I noticed that i was doing all the giving and not getting anything in return. It was 'unhealthy' for me and I started being self-destructive. My self esteem was gone... the weight came on... I was chain smoking (1-2 packs a day) and I had started drinking. It took me another year to get the confidence or self respect back that i needed to remove myself from the situation. His brothers never knew about what he was doing to me or the drinking. Therefore they were shocked when I left him. He kept everything hidden from them. After we broke up.. he called me a couple of times bawling, apolgizing, drunk, and expecting me to come and get it. Instead of telling him no... I told him that someone would be there to get him. I called his brother and explained what was going on and why I wouldn't allow myself to get him. So his brother understood and got him... Which just pissed him off.... but he wasn't my problem anymore. This happened 2 more times... then he stopped calling. Shortly after that his brothers found out everything... the abuse charges from the cops (not me), the felony theft charges at 3 different employers, the DUI's...etc. His brother & the court made him go to AA, and therapy and others.
    In short... You know he's not good for you, in a 'healthy' way. And the next time he calls you.... call a cab for him,or a relative of his. You need to put yourself first, making sure that you are in a good state of mind before you give out to others. You need to heal before giving out to others.

    I hope this helps! Either way you look at it... it's a hard decision!
    {{{{HUGS}}}}
    Height= 5'8"
    SW = 259 1/24/08
    CW 2/21/08 = 238 Lost 20 lbs
    CW 3/20/08 = 234 total 24 lbs went off phen
    CW 4/18/08 = 221 toal 33 lbs *reached mini goal
    CW 6/9/08 = TOM & Vacation.... 231 dang it- But it was fun
    CW 7/1/08 = 222
    CW 8/5/08 = 215 -Down 45lbs WOOT WOOT!!!!

    Next Mini Goal = 210


  7. #7
    Silver Phenster jazzygal72's Avatar
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    Thanks so much to all of you for giving your opinions. I aprreciate each and every one of you.


    I'll get you, my pretty and your little dog too!

  8. #6
    Diamond Phenster
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    Ohhh big hugs ... Wish you all the best with your decision.
    Hi, I'm Roc & I'm on the weight loss rollercoaster as well as a 42 yr. old - mother of 3 year old twins. An entirely different rollercoaster
    1/9/08 228
    1/19 210
    2/09 215
    2/12 210
    3/11 206
    3/21 200
    4/13 199
    5/18 198
    6/6 201
    7/10 210
    7/21 199
    8/26 199

  9. #5
    Diamond Phenster Band Mamma's Avatar
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    I know that there are times in life when the hardest thing to do is to walk away. I personally feel that each person is own their own journey in life and there are lessons we all need to learn along the way that are specific to our own personal journey. There are times I can help someone along their path, and then there are times I am just a person getting in the way.
    Wanting to help someone is natural- especially for a women. However, sometimes that "help" is not help at all, but a road block on their path. I may not be the right person or it may be the right time to help someone. It would be wrong of me to keep blocking their path.
    Do not prevent him from growing as a person, healing what needs healed, and learning what he needs to learn. He has enough of his own road blocks without someone adding another one.
    Understand?

  10. #4
    Silver Phenster jenstarns's Avatar
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    I am so sorry about your lose. I can't imagin, and my heart breaks for the lose of your babies. Also for the lose of the man you love. I do think that his behavior is directly related the the lose of your babies, that being said you have to do what is best for you. I don't think you can be friends with him. It is like a drug that you have to cut off totally. Good luck
    SW 5/24 188.8 started Phen
    5/30 183.2 Week one
    6/6 180 week 2 (179 @home)
    6/13 176 week 3
    6/20 173.9 week 4
    15 pounds GONE
    7/1 171.2
    7/31 172 WTH Start 37.7 tomorrow
    Avatar is me @ my wedding in 2001

  11. #3
    Gold Phenster thin4good's Avatar
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    Jazzy, I'm gonna give you some tough love, I hope that's what you were looking for!
    First, I'm so sorry for the loss of your triplets the pain of that must have been unbearable! You definitely need to take the time and heal you!

    The short answer to your question? You move on and don't look back!

    You said yourself that you know he's not someone you want to be with. You also said yourself that you can't do the friends with benefits thing. So why would you be friends with him? Because once upon a time there was some good times with him? Remember he is an ex for a reason. I'm sure this weekend felt good and you know, it probably will help you heal, and honestly lord knows we all need a weekend where we get to spend several nights with someone we care about, but don't confuse what happened with what you need to do!

    Here are some things to think about, hon. If he's been in AA since April, one of the things that they are supposed to do is apologize for their behavior. Did he ever call you before Thursday night to apologize for trying to pick you up at the hospital drunk? Or to apologize for his behavior while you were mourning the loss of your babies?

    Also, he knows you'll mom him. Think about it. He called you when he relapsed. Who has he been hanging out with since March if you haven't talked to him. Again, don't beat yourself up over this weekend, but Jazzy, you picked him up drunk and then rewarded him by letting him stay with you all weekend. I'm sure you missed him and wanted to care for him, and I can only imagine that it felt good to feel close to him again, but he called you after pulling the same behavior he pulled that made you ask him to leave. Except this time instead of telling him to go you let him stay.

    All I'm saying is think about you, and if you know this is not a man you want to be with. And you also know he's a man that you have a weak spot for, why try to stay friends? I see a lot more that's bad about this scenario than what's good, especially for you in the long run!

    Maybe sit down and make a list of all the bad things and then a list of all the good things that could come of it. And if that's not enough to convince you, remind yourself that he wasn't there for you when you needed him most. That's the true sign of a man's worth in my personal opinion.

    I'm sorry if this seemed harsh, but I've had a lot of experience in my life with alcoholics and the number one thing I have promised myself is I refuse to love anyone more than they can love themselves. YOu need to make a similar promise to yourself!

    All my best,

    -S
    41 down 36 to go!

    5/12/08 - 232.5 - Started Phen/lexapro combo
    5/29/08 - 218 -14.5 pounds in 2 weeks
    6/12/08 - 209.5 -8.5 for a total of 23 pounds in the first month!
    7/10/08 - 200 -9.5
    8/07/08 -192 -8
    9/18/08 - 185.5 -6.5
    12/8/08-191 +5.5

  12. #2
    Silver Phenster luvlex1017's Avatar
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    IMO, no it won't ever be possible be truly be friends with him. It will probably always be and emotional rollercoaster considering your history together.

    That being said, I think his reaction has be a reaction to pan and loss as well. I don't think that is you making excuses for him. HOWEVER, NO ONE has the right to treat you like dog poop on a shoe. I think you have done the right thing.

    I'm so sorry to hear about all that, such a sad thing to have happened. ((((((BIG HUGS))))))) to you.
    HW 227
    SW 221

    6/14 221
    6/21 218
    6/28 213
    7/5 212
    7/12 210
    7/19 209.2
    7/26 210.6 (no phen ten days)
    8/1 207.0 (back on phen 7/29)
    8/8 204.6
    8/15 202
    8/22 200.2
    8/29 200.2
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    10/3 195 (stuck-phen break for me!)
    10/10 194
    10/31 191.4
    11/14 192 (still no phen)
    12/19 190

    First mini-goal 200 (MET)
    Second mini-goal 180

  13. #1
    Silver Phenster jazzygal72's Avatar
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    Default Totally OT

    Ok so I need help. I don’t say that very often, so dang it- help me! J

    I was with a guy for 6 years and we got along pretty well. I asked him to leave my home in March, because since the October prior, he had been drinking a lot. He had a history of drinking, and had been sober for 3 years before we got together. He had received 2 DUIS one in October, and one in November and had become a nasty person to me.

    I was pregnant with triplets in October, I was 28 weeks along and hadn’t felt right so I went in to get an ultra sound and was told that all of my babies had passed away. So it seems to me that perhaps he was having a hard time with this as well, and started drinking to forget about it. I don’t know- maybe I am just making excuses for him.

    Anyway, things were pretty ugly for the next few months. Sometimes he would come home, sometimes he wouldn’t. Sometimes I wouldn’t either. I never did anything to jeopardize our relationship (other than not come home, which is pretty messed up- I know), and as far as I know he didn’t either.

    In March, after bleeding since October I was told that I would have to have a hysterectomy to stop the bleeding and cramping. He insisted that we try to get pregnant again. I refused and scheduled the surgery. March 5th, I have the surgery and March 9th the day that I was to come home he came to the hospital to pick me up.

    Drunk as a skunk.

    In the 4 days that I was in the hospital he came to visit 2 times and stayed for a total of MAYBE an hour. I was pissed and told him that I wasn’t getting in a car with him, and asked him to go home and pack his things and leave before I got there. He did and I didn’t talk to him AT ALL until last Thursday.

    In the time that we didn’t talk he had began taking classes and going to AA meetings. He had been sober since about April 15th, and then he got drunk and called me last Thursday stating that he didn’t know where he was…but he did read me a sign and I figured it out from there. So, I went to pick him up.

    He stayed and then Friday night we ended up sleeping together. Same with Saturday night. Same with Sunday night. So I went to work this morning, and decided that when I got home, I was going to ask him to leave because I found myself getting emotional about being with him, when I know in my heart that I honestly don’t want to be with him. I wouldn’t mind a friends with benefits thing- but it’s apparent that I can’t do that either.

    So my question is this. Is it REALLY possible to be FRIENDS with someone who you love and hate at the same time? The thing that I keep thinking is that when things were good- they were good, but at the same time when they were bad- they were REALLY bad. I have this weird NEED to mother him. To make sure that he does well, and it makes me feel stupid because I know that this is NOT what I need in MY life, for MY sanity. Why can’t I bring myself to just tell him that I can’t be a friend to him? And how the hell do I get past the fact that I need to mother him?


    I'll get you, my pretty and your little dog too!

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