that is a tough one to deal with!!! But, I believe that we aren't given anything that we can't handle....!
that is a tough one to deal with!!! But, I believe that we aren't given anything that we can't handle....!
I wanted to thank you all for your replies. It has helped me calm down to hear about your circumstances that ended well and for your support. They have been sending messages back and forth on Myspace and have talked on the phone 4 times. I hate that they want to see him. I want them to be angry with him. To hate him. To never want to have anything to do with him. Is it selfish of me to want this. You would think that I would be happy that they are excited about it, that they are happy, well adjusted 13 year old boys. Which I am, but I just want them to SEE that he chose to do this. It was what he WANTED. To not know them. I have tried to make them understand this without bad mouthing him, but that is tough!
But, anyway, thank you so much for your support I'll let you all know when I have an update.
Wow, I feel for you. Kids are naturally curious about their biological parents, and it is probably better for them to meet him while you and your husband are there to show them what real parents are like.
If you do agree to let your kids meet him. I would have a conversation on the phone with him. And I would ask him what he is hoping to get from this meeting? What is his plan for follow up after this meeting? Remind him that of course the boys are going to have questions, and make sure he's prepared to answer whatever questions they want to ask him. IF his plan is to meet them once and then lose contact again for however many years, tell him that it's probably more disruptive than beneficial. If he's thinking he will want to stay in touch, ask him how often he plans on being in the area? Remind him that this isn't like seeing old high school buddies where you can do it once every 10 years or so.
As for your boys. If you do agree to the meeting. I disagree about not telling them before hand. If he flakes, he flakes. But I think when you tell them, remind them you are doing this because you and your husband love them very much and you are doing this for them. Also tell them you want them to think about what questions they have their for their dad. Then maybe a day or two before you go see him. I would sit them down and ask them how they are feeling about meeting him? Scared? Excited? And when they tell you, explain that whatever they are feeling is completely natural. Also, ask them what types of questions they have for him to get a feel for what they want to know about their dad. If it seems like some of the questions might be awkward you might want to give him a head's up that they are giong to ask them, so he has some time to prepare his anwers. You aren't doing this for HIM you are doing it for the boys so this is not traumatic for them,and they at least get some answers things they'ver probably been wondering for a long time.
Also, ask the boys what they would like to get out of the meeting with him?
Then after the meeting, do a re-group with the boys? What did you think of him? Do you think you'd want to see him again? Did you get the answers you needed? How did you feel about his answers?
This will help you understand what they are thinking, and if he does decide to bail on them again, you at least know how to help your boys.
I hope that helps!
41 down 36 to go!
5/12/08 - 232.5 - Started Phen/lexapro combo
5/29/08 - 218 -14.5 pounds in 2 weeks
6/12/08 - 209.5 -8.5 for a total of 23 pounds in the first month!
7/10/08 - 200 -9.5
8/07/08 -192 -8
9/18/08 - 185.5 -6.5
WOW. I am the opposite! Are the kids 18?? If they are then disregard my opinion! I wouldn't let them meet him. This happened with my nephew. His dad never talked to him, no relationship, would walk in and out of his life on a dime and it really messed up my nephew. Granted, he doesn't not have a father figure to rely on like you do (the kids step-dad)... so that may also factor in. But seeing what it has done to the emotional side of my nephew, how bitter he is towards his father and views on life. I personally wouldn't recommend it. I would tell the kids: "Given your biological dad's history, i think it's best that we wait to meet him. Right now, i am concerned that it will hurt you too much. And I don't want to see you hurting. (If they are persistant on meeting him, let him make consistant attempts of having a relationship/communication with the children such as letters, email, phone, etc....) until then, I would rather you wait until you are 18"
But if they are 18... then let them... they would be old enough to have a better grasp on the situation.
As far as a meeting place.... if it rains how about a mall?? Are you going to have the step-dad come too??
I'm a mom of twins too - 3 years old.
I don't know what to tell you what to do - or even suggest .. but I did want to say you must have the strength of hercules to have raised them alone.
Best of luck to you and your children
Hi, I'm Roc & I'm on the weight loss rollercoaster as well as a 42 yr. old - mother of 3 year old twins. An entirely different rollercoaster
Wow, that is rough
As a kid who was in this type of situation, I can say the best thing my mom did for me was to not talk badly of my "father" around me, even when he disappeared when I was 7. She didn't paint him as a saint, but she never cussed about him in front of me. She told me what it was like when they were married -- not the bad stuff; I didn't hear about that until I was in my early 20s -- and let me form my own opinions about him. When I was 16 there was an opportunity to see him again and my mom left it up to me, saying that it would just be coffee. I didn't even hesitate before saying no.
Anyway, this was my experience; you will have to do what you feel is best for your kids and their emotional well-being. Good luck; I hope he doesn't let them down again!
i had the same problem when i got pregnant my child's father didn't want to have anything to do with me or my child becuz i didn't get an abortion. When i gave birth to her he was there. He was in her life so so...When she was about two. He wanted to be apart of her life more and i allowed him becuz i wanted my child to like or dislike him on her own and not by my influence it was hard and now that she is 6 she is very much in love with him. so i think u should let him see them and let them decide on how they want to proceed.
Oh hey, a topic I actually know something about! LOL
Sorry to hear about ur ex. I also have twins (2 sets) and my first sets father bailed when they were 2 months old and came back around when they were 9. I gave him a choice. be involved and stay regularly involved or take a hike again. He chose to give it a whirl. They are 20 now and still have a relationship with him. So, it worked out for the best. I believe that had he bailed out again, it would not have been good for the kids.
As far as a place to meet, I do recommend somewhere neutral, especially if hes the stalker type, but more so because you and the kids may choose to leave before he wants to kwim? Maybe a park or place that has inside and outside..for dinner or something. That way there is a time limit on things at first, in case the kids are uncomfortable. I would also ask him not to bring his current wife, kids, etc along, as it might overwhelm the kids. They might feel less important if they see he has this whole other life right away.
I would talk to your kids and ask how they would feel if this was a one time deal, or if he wanted more involvement. They should have a chance to think about it either way.
Anyway, I hope it all goes well for you and your kids! Just my opinon on this stuff, I am no expert!
Me, personally, given this guy's history, I would take the kids somewhere, NOT tell them they were going to meet their dad, just in case he doesn't show....that would crush them. Or somehow figure a way to guarantee he will be there....before telling them. ROUGH! Good luck with all that.
You must be the change you want to see in the world. - Gandhi
Urgh... I am so sorry for your situation. I do feel you are on the right track of letting the boys meet the bio father and definately meet in a public place. Given the bio dad's track record so far, it will be him, and him all alone, who will dissappoint the boys on his own. They are curious at this point... if you can manage to remain even tempered I do believe the bio dad will flub up on his own, dissappointing the boys and let them form their own opinion of the "sperm donor" they call "father"... You just have to put up a united front, speak evenly and see where the cards fall.
Not currently in a challenge
* * *
163 to start 5/23/07
139 on 10/7 (lowest recorded weight so far)
142 holding steady 3/9/08
My heart aches for you. I have not been through this, but watched a dear friend go through a similar situation. Your children are old enough to decide that they want to meet their dad. Unfortunately, his track record is somewhat shady, and you have reason for concern.
Allow your children to meet this man ( he is no father), and be a safe place to fall if he breaks their heart. I hope that all goes well.
HEIGHT 5' 10"
HIGHEST WEIGHT EVER! 252
Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can! ~Arthur Ashe
Okay guys. I know I 'm new here. But I have a set of twins that were abandoned by their father when I was 3 months pregnant because I wouldn't have an abortion. When they were 2 1/2, I was recieving medical assistance through the state and they required me to give them the father's name to establish paternity. He showed up, signed that he was their father and seen them for 8 months (a total of 32 hours in that 8 months) until he disappeared again without a phone call or anything. 9 years go by and I get a message from his wife, through reunion.com (last Nov.), wanting me to e-mail or call him. So I do and he wants to open communication up with the boys (that are 12 then). We had just told them that their dad wasn't their "biological father", so we left it up to them if they wanted to have contact. Of course, they did. Well, he lives 16 hours away in NC now and is supposed to be back next week to meet them. I have so many emotions going on right now. I have already decided that we should meet some place nuetral. Not at my house. Maybe meet out at the park. But what if it rains? Oh, I just don't know how to handle this. I haven't responded yet, as I don't know what to say. As much as I don't want to ever see this person again, I know it is important to my children. But my emotions are a wreck right now. Any advice or help on this would be very appreciated. Thanks for letting me dump on you guys!