Completely OT and really long
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  1. #16
    Gold Phenster countryasadirtroad's Avatar
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    Ok, I have to be the negative one here. I used to be "that girl" too. The one that would push aside her own feelings for others. My 'sister' (bf) and I were friends for almost 20 yrs. Every time she had a special place to be (prom, dances, dates) she asked me to do her hair. She decided to get married and asked me to be her MoH and do her hair. The MORNING of the wedding I came over to do her hair and she already had her mother in law fixing it. I was hurt, but I was cool with that b'c I thought she was bonding. Then she told me she was glad I was there, which made everything all better... until she said, my dress needs hemming. It'll probably take you all day, so I've asked my MoL to take your place in the wedding. WTF? The only reason I still got to be in the wedding is b'c the store was sold out of the 250$ dresses that the rest of the wedding party were wearing and she wanted us to match. I wanted to tell her to shove the wedding up her you know what... but I didn't. I stood there like a good girl b'c I loved her. Years later (and many more "let me use you" stories) and I finally admitted to myself that she was my friend out of convenience and my willingness to do anything for her. I regretted letting her make me feel like that and yet still standing in her wedding for her (so we would match ). That's just me... you are more than justified with your feelings. I've been married... twice. I know what it feels like to plan a wedding, and I can't justify complete and utter selfishness just b'c your excited.
    I hope your friend is a different story than mine.
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  3. #15
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    Sorry this has caused you such grief & stress. I hope you find comfort with what ever decision you make.




    My DH and I decided just a couple day after the diamonds were slipped on my finger ... our wedding was not about an "event" it was about *us and so when it was time ... we flew to Hawaii and in shorts and flip flops with a flowery lei around our necks, tied the knot.
    We've never regretted it. However the up and coming 20 year anniversary - ummmm - we are thinking about an "EVENT" - LOL
    Hi, I'm Roc & I'm on the weight loss rollercoaster as well as a 42 yr. old - mother of 3 year old twins. An entirely different rollercoaster
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  4. #14
    Gold Phenster dbethied's Avatar
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    i think she should've asked you to be in her wedding. i mean, she could've said "i want you to be in my wedding, but i know you may not be able to because of the distance, expense, etc.....but i just want you to know that the offer is there." that way you would've felt like she wanted you but would've had the option to turn it down. i don't get the whole " i can only have one maid of honor and two brides maids" thing....she could have as many people as she wants. as far as if you should go or not....only you can decide that.




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  5. #13
    Silver Phenster RH584's Avatar
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    I would consider buying a dress that looks amazing on you and going to the wedding.

    My story is a bit different, but the end feelings may relate. When I got married, my husband and I decided that we were only going to invite family as far down the line as grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. We were both permitted to invite certain very close friends if we wanted to, but that was it... that made 100 people. Anyway, my younger sister was my Maid of Honor and his older brother was his Best Man. I don't know if anyone else had their feelings hurt. We were trying to keep it small.

    Here is where the hard feelings come in though. My brother-in-law's girlfriend caused a big issue about the wedding. She was angry that we got married after 1 1/2 years of dating and she, after 7 years, wasn't married yet. She refused to go to the wedding and made a big deal out of it just hours before the ceremony. To this day, she does not accept me. I try to tolerate and get along with her, but I am annoyed, frustrated, and hurt that she didn't think it was important to go to that wedding. She says she wants to be part of the family, but she chose not to be that day and that is something that I will remember.

    Like I said before, it is different. However, you or your friend may have similar feelings. Especially since you are so close. Its not great advice, but it is my story and maybe it will help. If it doesn't I am sorry for rambling on and boring all of you.
    Keep on Keepin' on!








  6. #12
    Diamond Phenster Band Mamma's Avatar
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    Dalako: just wanted to say that is SO me! Even when my gut tells me what's happening I tell myself to stop being judgemental. Even when it's already happened once I tell myself people can change.
    I could tell story after story and they would all be the same story, you know?
    Sometimes I think I should change my name to Ima Fool. LOL.
    I finally got to the point about 5 years ago that I now ask myself, "How am I going to feel about myself if I don't do _____?" That's what matter in the end to me- even if I get taken advantage of yet again, how am I going to feel about myself? As long as my actions don't keep someone from progressing on their own journey to maturity, I'll do it. Cause Ima Fool, I guess.

  7. #11
    Diamond Phenster benson012094's Avatar
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    When I got married, MORE THAN HALF of my bridesmaids lived in different states, so that's a crock what she said about you living so far away. I, personally, feel that was a total disregard for your feelings. Sometimes you just need to break the ties. I had a friend, same thing, for 25 years. I just recently said, you know what, that was then.....time to move on. She's totally self-centered and only cares about herself and what is going on with her family. She has never even offered to come see my "new" son, who we brought into our family almost two years ago.
    -------------------
    You must be the change you want to see in the world. - Gandhi

  8. #10
    Platinum Phenster dalako's Avatar
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    I have been in that same situation 5yrs ago!! My friend erin and I met when we were 8. We were instant bf's all through out school... then we lost touch after highschool. We ran into eachother by accident in the Mall and started talking again and hanging out. It was just like we had never lost contact. We were very close again. She even went on to tell me that I was going to be her maid of honor when ever she got married.....
    Well, about a yr later, Adam- a friend of mine- was introduced Erin via ME.... We all hung out all the time, we got a long great. Then a few months into their relationship she got engaged and me & my DH boyfriend at the time, we dropped. Adam, the fiance', would call me and we would go for coffee, hell I WENT WITH ADAM TO PICK OUT HER RING!!! Thats how close we were. BUT that all changed. She wouldn't call me back. She didn't have time for me... The next thing I knew she was telling me all about the people that were invited to the wedding and that were in the bridal party. Apparently she forgot that she said that I would be able to be in it. I never brought it up. I assumed that I would get an invitiation.... NOPE... I never got one. I never got a verbal invite either. Needless to say, i didn't go to their wedding. Adam didn't talk to me anymore... he would never tell me why (he would just say "i can't, erin wouldn't like it)... nice huh?
    I soon realized that it was a friendship out of convienence. Which pissed me off!!!!

    Now here's the whole irony of the story. Fast foward 2 years, I am the one thats getting married. I didn't invite her (we hadn't talked)... she ends up calling me and biatching me out for not inviting her & adam! I still didn't say anything. I told her, "sorry, but we are only having a guest list of 30 people"... she went on about how she thought we were bf's, and how it hurt her... blah blah blah... it pissed me off even more. But I still didn't say anything. 3 months after I was married, I found out that Adam has cancer thru the grapevine. I called him up balling my eyes out.... i mean IT'S CANCER!!! And he was only 29. They had just had their first kid, a little boy named addison meaning 'adams son'... cute huh? Anyways, suddenly erin was calling me again, needing to talk to me.... and you know what it was mostly about..... "WHY DO I HAVE TO BE A WIDOW AT 27, I AM GOING TO BE A SINGLE MOTHER!!!!!!???" WHY??... she didn't say anything about adam is going to make it or that it will be ok... etc. It was only about her. I made an excuse to get off the phone.... I never called her back after that.
    Adam passed away 4 months later. I attended his funeral.... and even there she was talking about how he made financial provisions so she doesn't have to move... she now owns her own home!!!
    I haven't heard from her since.

    I know this was long... sorry about that....
    But in short, I wish things would have worked out differently than what they did. My advice, you got the invite... I would go. Because personally, i think you (or her) may one day regret it!
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  9. #9
    Silver Phenster goingforthin's Avatar
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    I am a big beleiver that people come and go from our lives at certain times for a reason. Chapters begin and chapters end. I think tht we all have instincts and intuition for a reason. If your gut told you to skip it, skip it. No need to second guess yourself. Beacuse I bet if you step back and question whether you are questioning, the fact that you decided not to go or what others "think" of you not going, you will have your answer. You have to do what is best for you, and only you. Self preservation first. Here is a tip, that i tend to use in my life: If I have a decision to make, i know in my heart if my answer is Yes or No. So, when my answer is YES, I know it is a go. If my answer is a MAYBE or NO, then it is NO, until my decision allows me to see it as a whole hearted YES. ( I hope that makes sense)

  10. #8
    Diamond Phenster insearchofme's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Steph-on-LI View Post
    I see what you guys are saying, really. That is why when I got the original email, I didn't say anything. I just wanted it to blow over for me and then I would get back to her. She called me about a week later and asked if I was upset, I didn't answer my phone since I didn't want to say anything I couldn't take back. I told her when I finally did call her back that I didn't say anything because it "wasn't about me" and it was her wedding. Even her mom told her that it was kind of a mean thing to do. She told my friend that if she wanted me to be in her wedding if it was in NY, she should have at least asked me if I was willing to travel to CO to be in it.

    And yes, I would have done just about anything to have her in my wedding. I would have made sure that there would have only been one flight out and dresses at a national chain that was in her area and that everything would have been as easy for her to be in my wedding as possible. I have been in a few weddings myself and, yes, they are exhausting and annoying at times, but I loved being able to stand up for the people that I love. Oh, and her fiance and I got along really well.

    Our relationship didn't change before this. She was the type of friend that I could lose touch with for a year and pick up like we saw each other yesterday. So the fact that I am even upset about it surprises me. I think it would hurt the same if my sister had left me out of her wedding because i live in a different state.

    I think I'm less upset about the wedding and more upset about the way I feel about the whole thing. I know that when you plan a wedding it becomes your sole focus. It's the fact that she lied to me in August (I'm sure she had to start planning then, it's in an art gallery) and told me she wasn't having a wedding and then bam, full wedding. And it's more about the fact that she just assumed that I wouldn't be upset, that I'd just go along with it because it's what I always do. Turns out I am that friend, the one that is convenient and available, but no one seems to have time for when she needs them.

    Maybe I'm wrong, I'm pretty sure that I am. I tend to let go of my feelings to make everyone else happy and this time I didn't. This time I let my feelings linger and it hurts. I've never been married so I don''t know how this works, but she's the last person I'd ever expect to go Bridezilla on me. I'll probably get slammed for having these feelings, but they are what they are I guess.
    You have a legitimate reason for feeling the way that you do, not that you need me or anyone else to validate this for you. Until you actually get a chance to speak in depth with your friend try to keep a positive attitude. Know that you are an awesome person, and if she cannot/does not see the value of your friendship, then it's her loss.

    Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. Maybe the lesson she had to teach you, has already been taught. Maybe it is yet to come. Whatever the case turns out to be, know that you will be just fine, with or without your friend.
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  11. #7
    Silver Phenster earthgoddess's Avatar
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    I see what you guys are saying, really. That is why when I got the original email, I didn't say anything. I just wanted it to blow over for me and then I would get back to her. She called me about a week later and asked if I was upset, I didn't answer my phone since I didn't want to say anything I couldn't take back. I told her when I finally did call her back that I didn't say anything because it "wasn't about me" and it was her wedding. Even her mom told her that it was kind of a mean thing to do. She told my friend that if she wanted me to be in her wedding if it was in NY, she should have at least asked me if I was willing to travel to CO to be in it.

    And yes, I would have done just about anything to have her in my wedding. I would have made sure that there would have only been one flight out and dresses at a national chain that was in her area and that everything would have been as easy for her to be in my wedding as possible. I have been in a few weddings myself and, yes, they are exhausting and annoying at times, but I loved being able to stand up for the people that I love. Oh, and her fiance and I got along really well.

    Our relationship didn't change before this. She was the type of friend that I could lose touch with for a year and pick up like we saw each other yesterday. So the fact that I am even upset about it surprises me. I think it would hurt the same if my sister had left me out of her wedding because i live in a different state.

    I think I'm less upset about the wedding and more upset about the way I feel about the whole thing. I know that when you plan a wedding it becomes your sole focus. It's the fact that she lied to me in August (I'm sure she had to start planning then, it's in an art gallery) and told me she wasn't having a wedding and then bam, full wedding. And it's more about the fact that she just assumed that I wouldn't be upset, that I'd just go along with it because it's what I always do. Turns out I am that friend, the one that is convenient and available, but no one seems to have time for when she needs them.

    Maybe I'm wrong, I'm pretty sure that I am. I tend to let go of my feelings to make everyone else happy and this time I didn't. This time I let my feelings linger and it hurts. I've never been married so I don''t know how this works, but she's the last person I'd ever expect to go Bridezilla on me. I'll probably get slammed for having these feelings, but they are what they are I guess.

    SW 11/28/07 228.5

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  12. #6
    Silver Phenster jbenev5338's Avatar
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    well think of it this way how hurt will you be if you go and attend all these things?
    and how hurt will you be if you don't attend her wedding?
    vs. the cost of going to the wedding?
    I would be hurt too in a situation like you explained but with being in 2 weddings this year i really could do without being in a wedding ever again and i told my best friend this the other day the only other wedding i may be in is hers.
    Have you ever complained to her about being in a wedding and how much of a pain in the arse it is?
    Well don't know if this helps much but weddings can be a sore spot in many situations


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  13. #5
    Diamond Phenster insearchofme's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Band Mamma View Post
    My opinion?
    Relationship change
    and that's okay.
    It doesn't mean you have to be either/or, you can be somewhere in between, and it can be for now or it can be forever.
    She's been dealing with "LOVE" which is great and stinky at the same time. Let her deal with it and see what happens in the future. You don't want to go and be a drag and give her a bad memory of you at her wedding. Wish her the absolute best with all your heart, tell her how horrible you feel about not being able to share the day with her, and move on with your life while she's figuring out her's.
    I could not have said this any better. I think it would have been best to mention how felt 4 months ago. You may have found that her heart was in the right place. For now, however, stick with the story that you cannnot afford to attend the wedding. Allow her to enjoy her special day. When the time is right, and I think only you will know when this day comes, let her know how badly she hurt you by not including you in her wedding. If this is not a pattern of behavior that is typical of your friend, then I hope that you two can work this out.

    {{{{Steph}}}}}
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  14. #4
    Diamond Phenster Band Mamma's Avatar
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    My opinion?
    Relationship change
    and that's okay.
    It doesn't mean you have to be either/or, you can be somewhere in between, and it can be for now or it can be forever.
    She's been dealing with "LOVE" which is great and stinky at the same time. Let her deal with it and see what happens in the future. You don't want to go and be a drag and give her a bad memory of you at her wedding. Wish her the absolute best with all your heart, tell her how horrible you feel about not being able to share the day with her, and move on with your life while she's figuring out her's.

  15. #3
    Gold Phenster lovemyboys's Avatar
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    Ok Think of this......She is getting married and the only thing on her mind right now is her and her day and her happy self! Maybe she was kind of testin the water with you knowing that it might be a burden to travel and pay the expense to be in the wedding. (and from experiance being in a wedding is no fun) goin to all the parties!!! That is fun and not half the money it is to pay for the dress shoes..etc.
    I do remember when I was planning my wedding it was hard for me to focus on anything eles. I am sure she wants you to be apart of her big day. I say too if you are as close as you say, it should not be a problem to express how you feel to her, But like I said remember she is in the all about me mode now this is her DAY, so bring it up in a way that will make her take a step back and understand your feelings.

    I so doubt it is because she thinks your to fat for a dress.

  16. #2
    Silver Phenster
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    Hi Steph,

    Your story made me sad...And a part of me (the stubborn part) says yeah, you did the right thing and then the sweet, sappy part says she is like your sister and yes, she hurt you, but be the bigger person and go to the wedding. Maybe she really did think it was to hard to be in a wedding out of state. I was in one out of state and truly it was a pain in the ***. Maybe she thought it would be too expensive to expect you to fly there, buy the dress, hotel? I dont know, think she should have asked you if it was inconvenient...OR

    Have you guys grown apart? Are you still as close as you once were? If you were to get married tomorrow Im guessing you would ask her to be in yours. Does her fiance like you? Do you like him? Sorry, im just guessing now.


    Its ok to feel hurt...and i would too! And im sorry. Wish i had some great words of wisdom for you!

    Hope you feel better and its ok to vent, thats what were here for!

    Andrea
    GO CHARGERS!

  17. #1
    Silver Phenster earthgoddess's Avatar
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    Default Completely OT and really long

    Hey guys, I need your thoughts and maybe even your advice on something that I’m going through. I have decided not to go to a friend’s wedding for reasons other than I told her. I said that I just couldn’t afford it, but in reality, the thought of going makes me a little queasy.

    OK, some background. I have been friends with this girl for about 22 years. We met in the 4th grade and I’ve always considered her a sister more than a friend. H e l l, she basically lived with us for a year when her parents went through a really nasty divorce when we were teenagers. So to say we were close is an understatement. She moved out to CO about 4 years ago where she met her fiancé.
    Back in August of 2007, she and her fiancé came to NY for a week and we were supposed to go out to dinner. I was so looking forward to it because it was sushi…LOL. She called me up last minute and asked if I would come to her aunt’s house instead so instead of sushi, of course I agreed and I got stuck at a 12 year old’s b-day party. It was there that she told me that they were going to go to the justice of the peace to get married and save the money for a house. Then in February of this year (3 days after my birthday) she sends off a blasé email telling me that they are having a full blown wedding and that she asked a couple of friends in CO to be her bridesmaids. She told me that if she was getting married in NY that I would have been in the party but it was too inconvenient for us to do it dual state wise. Oh, but her cousin, who lives two towns over from me will be her maid of honor, so only inconvenient for me, I guess. The kicker was in the same email she let me know when her bridal shower and her bachelorette party was, like I don’t want you in my wedding, but here are dates for you to spend money to come to parties my ‘real’ friends are throwing me.

    Now, at first I was OK with it, but the more I thought about it the more upset I got. I even had to leave my class early one night because I burst into tears in the middle! All sorts of scenarios went through my head, including an idea that I was too fat to fit into a dress she might want. I told her I was upset, but I never told her how upset I was. She never really thought anything else and she brings up the wedding often, usually forgetting to even ask me how I am. So, I decided to forget about saving to go out to CO for her wedding. Something shifted in our friendship.
    So, here’s what I need to know. Did I do the right thing? I mean, I’m thinking about it now and I want to cry because the one person who I thought would never see me as disposable, tossed me aside like my feelings meant nothing. Should I have ****ed it up and spent about $1000 to go out there or is it OK that I didn’t? I think I just need to know that it’s alright to feel hurt.

    Even if no one responds, which is perfectly fine, I think I just needed to get this off my chest. I don’t want to be that girl anymore, the one that people use only when they need me and then forget about my feelings when it’s inconvenient for them. How do I stop, I have no idea. But I guess I have to learn, huh?

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