[ROBIN]

[ January 24, 2002: Message edited by: ROBIN ]

[bpayton]

Hey Robin,
That was really a good one. I heard that somewhere before I think but I like it I am going to send it to my friend

[ROBIN]

"Southerners"
The Top 39 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...
39. I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex
38. Duct tape won't fix that
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
35. We don't keep firearms in this house
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog
32. I thought Graceland was tacky
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe
30. Wrasslin's fake
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds
22. Deer heads detract from the decor
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today
19. Trim the fat off the steak
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso
17. The tires on that truck are too big
16. I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad
15. I've got it all on a floppy disk
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancé, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams
9. Checkmate
8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen
5. I don't have a favorite college team
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer
And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is,
1. Elvis who?

[ROBIN]

Carolyn, I thought of you when I posted this one.

FDA Warnings
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an fool.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

[ROBIN]

Things you don't want to hear during surgery
1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
2. "Accept this sacrifice, oh, lord of darkness."
3. "Damn! I can't read page 47 in this manual... it's got blood all over it."
4. "Rex!! Come back with that! Bad dog!"
5. "Wait a minute! If this is his spleen, then what is that?"
6. "Has anyone seen my watch?"
7. "Whoops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff?"
8. "Well then, folks, this will be an experiment for us all."
9. "Okay, now take a picture from this angle. He really is a freak of nature."
10. That's cool! But can you make his leg twitch?"
11. "Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off."
12. "Wow! This is harder than I thought. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."
13. "This patient has already had children, am I correct?"
14. "Sterile, shmerile. The floor's clean, right?"
15. "Don't worry. I think that's sharp enough."
16. "You know, there's big money in kidneys. And this guy has got two of them."
17. "Hand me that... no, that one... uh... that thingie."
18. "Nice work sewing him up. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"

[ROBIN]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

[Paula]

I literally was laughing hard and loud with the last two jokes .I'm going to bring the surgery one to work. And the wife one well what more can be said but, Why set yourself up for failure? June Cleaver doesn't live here anymore!

[Paula]

Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."

The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

[bpayton]

That was a good one Paula LOL!!!

[ROBIN]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[Jen1]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"

[ROBIN]

A guy walks into a bar for a drink, looks over in the corner and sees this little guy, 1 foot tall, playing a piano. He chuckles and walks to the bar and orders "Magic Punch" from the bartender. The bartender informs him that this is a special drink and that the buyer gets to make one wish. "Be careful what you wish for" says the bartender, "Every wish is cursed." The man shrugs this off and wishes for something safe, "I Wish for a million bucks." All of a sudden, the back doors swing open and a million ducks come flying out over his head. "You *******." he screams, "I wanted a million BUCKS not a million DUCKS." "Oh yeah" says the bartender, "You think I wanted a 12 inch pianist?"

[ROBIN]

An obese fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck, "he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do."

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10 lbs. weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business."

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment", he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5-day, 20 lbs. weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door like a shot!

This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days.

For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun."

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7-day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

[MollyElizabeth]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in a tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, the Devil himsilf appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and asked, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yup. Sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replied, "Nope. Sure ain't."

Satan, a little perturbed at this, queried, "Why don't you fear me like the rest?"

The man replied calmly, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."