[ROBIN]

50 THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE BIG SCREEN
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. German accent will do.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. People on TV never finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13. The chief of police is always black.
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath -even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
25. All single women have a cat.
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking
to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch- enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions can be played without moving the fingers.
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

[debbie1]

The Knob
A lady in her late 50's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob". This small knob is implanted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift forever. Of course, the woman wants "The Knob". Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon. "All these years everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results but now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looks at her and says, "Those aren't bags. Those are your breasts." She replied,"Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

[Glimmerella]

Molly, #16 is "Leave everything incomplete."

[chrysa]

Subject: 80's Versus 90's


Top ten reasons the 80's were a cooler time to be a teenager than the 90's:
10. MTV actually played videos in the 80's.
9. There was only one kind of Nike tennis shoe (white with a red swoosh),
and they didn't cost $125.00.
8. A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a
ring through your nose.
7. In the 80's, when you were out parting, you didn't have to worry about
your mom calling you on your cell phone.
6. In the 80's playing video games actually meant going out to DO
something.
5. In the 80's we didn't have to worry about getting our head blown off at
school - unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a
coke.
4. Debbie Gisbon vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. N'Sync. New
Edition vs. Hanson. Ok, that one's a draw.
3. In the 80's there were kids in your high school who could buy alcohol
legally.
2. Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.
And the number one reason the 80's were a cooler time to grow up than the
90's:
1. In the 80's you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all
the time. they were so tight we couldn't get them off.

[mopatishu]

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged women.

Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, two of whom were worth keeping.

REMEMBER----this chain brings luck. One woman's plant died, and the next day she received an NFL offensive tackle. An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between an orthodontist and a successful gynecologist. And there was the poor, old 89-yr-old farmer's wife who had been married to the same man since she was 13 years old. She decided to keep 17 of the men she received.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One woman broke the chain, and got her own husband back again. Gotta be really unlucky !

[mopatishu]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a
doctor.”

”Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike
replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the
corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you
what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and
costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights
up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the
slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a
printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and
avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good
measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog
has ringworm. Bathe him with anti fungal shampoo. 3. Your
daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is
pregnant...twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you
don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.

Robin,Iam finally posting after reading the board for about 2 months.Thanks for all the great jokes and encouragement.My doctor refuses to prescribe so had to go to the internet. Its so expensive but maybe gives me more incentive because of the cost.Lost 30 in a year have 20 to go but so slow.I think I need to exercise more.Thanks again.

[ROBIN]

Hi Julie,

With today being "let it fly" day, I thought I'd check out the basement rooms of phen.com before I see how bad it is in the "My experience with phentermine" forum. Is Yesitslee TOTALLY out of control? I guess I'll have to go up there sometime today and see what's going on. Have there been any fights yet? Is anyone crying?

Exercising IS the most important thing you can do when you're trying to lose weight. You see more and quicker results if you do this every day. But on the days when your just not in the mood, thinking about exercising works almost as good. I did this yesterday. I thought about exercising for most of the day before I finally blew it off. All that "thinking about" must have burned some calories. A mental work-out is better than no work-out at all .

[chrysa]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he sits
>there, he can't help but notice a huge jug of money at
>the other end of the bar. He looks at the bartender and
>asks, "What is all that money for?"
>
>The bartender just smiles and says "It's just a bet we
>have going. Whoever wins gets all the money in the jug."
>
>The man sits and drinks for awhile longer and then looks
>at the bartender and says that he would like to try
>whatever the bet is.
>
>"O.K." says the bartender,"Go put your twenty dollars in
>the jug and then I'll tell you what the three parts of
>the bet are." By this time the man is stumbling drunk.
>He staggers to the jar and inserts his twenty dollars.
>
>"So what are the three parts?"
>
>"Well..." the bartender says with a sly smile," You see
>that big burly guy at the end of the bar? You have to
>knock him out with one punch. That's the first part."
>
>So the drunk races towards the burly guy and knocks him
>out with one punch. "Oh my lord, no one has ever gotten
>past the first step," the bartender exclaimed. "Well, next
>there's an old bulldog out back with a bad tooth. You have
>to pull her tooth and then move on to the ***** up stairs.
>She's never been satisfied but if you can satisfy her and
>bring me the dog's bad tooth, you get the money."
>
>The drunks takes one more drink and then goes outside. All
>of a sudden the guys in the bar hear the dog howling as
>loud as it can. It was going crazy.
>
>After a few minutes the drunk stumbles in and says proudly,
>"O.K., where's the ***** with the bad tooth?"

[chrysa]

DOWN UNDER
> >
> >One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing
> >in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...
> >
> >Demon: Why so glum?
> >Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
> >Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
> > You a drinking man?
> >Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
> >Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all
> > we do. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab
> > and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink
> > some more!
> >Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
> >Demon: You a smoker?
> >Guy: You better believe it!
> >Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
> > cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If
> > you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead, remember?
> >Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
> >Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
> >Guy: Why yes! As a matter of fact, I do.
> >Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
> > Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go
> > bankrupt... well, you're dead anyhow. What about Drugs?!?
> >Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
> >Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a
> > great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of
> > a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want - you're dead.
> > Who cares!?!
> >Guy: Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
> >Demon: You gay?
> >Guy: No...
> >Demon: Ooooh... You're gonna really hate Fridays.
>

[chrysa]

Man & woman divided by a common language
>
> Women's English
>
> Yes = No
>
> No = Yes
>
> Maybe = No
>
> I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
>
> We need = I want
>
> It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
>
> Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
>
> We need to talk = I need to complain
>
> Sure go ahead = Do it and die
>
> I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset idiot
>
> You're so manly = You need a shave, you sweat a lot, and you have a small
> penis
>
> You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
>
> This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
>
> I want new curtains = and carpeting and furniture and wallpaper
>
> Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
>
> I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
>
> Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
>
> How much do you love me? = I just bought something expensive
>
> I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
>
> Is my *** too big? = Tell me I'm beautiful
>
> You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
>
> Are you listening to me? = Too late you're dead
>
> Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and rock him until he
> goes to sleep
>
> I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
>
>
>
> Men's English
>
> I'm hungry = I'm hungry
>
> I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
>
> I'm tired = I'm tired
>
> Do you want to go to a movie? = I want to have sex with you
>
> Can I take you out to dinner? = I want to have sex with you
>
> Can I call you sometime? = I want to have sex with you
>
> May I have this dance? = I want to have sex with you
>
> Nice dress! = Nice tits!
>
> You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
>
> What's wrong? = Why are you making a big deal out of nothing
>
> What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are
> you going through now?
>
> What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
>
> I'm bored = Do you want to have sex now?
>
> I love you = Let's have sex now
>
> I love you too = Okay I said it, we'd better have sex now!
>
> Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
>
> Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = You got your hair cut?
>
> Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person
> and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
>
> (While shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freaking dress and
> let's go home!
>
> I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay
>
>

[ROBIN]

Things I learned from children...

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20-foot room.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.. foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

[ROBIN]

Two little brothers decide it`s time to learn to swear. The oldest says,"OK, you say *** and I`ll say hell." Excited about their plan, they go downstairs where their mother asks them what they want for breakfast. "Aw, hell." says the oldest,"gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him out of the room bawling and turns to the younger brother saying, "What`ll you have?" "I dunno," says the boy,"but you can bet your *** it ain`t gonna be Cheerios!"

[ROBIN]

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN & WOMEN

NICKNAMES: If Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.