[ocd4dmb]

I've read the board for some time now. I know some of the things I'm about to say might fit under topics already out there but others may not so I thought I'd start a new one. Please don't dismiss me as a newbie just because I'm new to this board. =)
My story might be long but I hope a few of you can bear through it and offer some comments.

When I was little, I was diagnosed with being hyperactive (which is now referred to as ADD). I was so skinny my mom had to have special clothes made for me. I never ate. All I cared about was going outside and riding my bike or skating or whatever. She refused to medicate me though so we just assumed it would take care of itself. When I was in high school, I was a size 3. Still had alot of the energy but now focused on being popular and partying.

Well throughout the years, I've found that every 5 years or so, I have a significant change in myself. Both physically and mentally. Like I become this new person. I don't do it on purpose but looking back, there seems to be a pattern. When I was 22 I got married to a marine and moved to NC. I had the time of my life there but noticed my weight started to go up a bit. My husband loved it and I just didn't understand it as I'd been this size 3 since I could remember.

By the time I was 25, I was divorced and managing a tanning place in Columbus. I was then a size 7. I didn't like it but wasn't stupid enough to think I was fat or even a little overweight. I was so caught up in being this super independant person, mananger of the silly tanning place and divorced, now dating around. I was broke all the time but relatively happy with life. Then the place went under and I was out of a job. I had just met a guy and after awhile we got together and I moved in with him. I started working at some lame retail store in the mall. This allowed me to make my schedule as I wanted, for the most part. We went out dancing 3-4 times a week at this little goth bar in Columbus. I loved it. I noticed I went back down to a size 5 during this time. I discovered then my love of computers. Well at first, it was all chat and fun. But I no longer wanted to go dancing or any of the other fun things we were doing. I was obsessed with sitting at the computer. I then got a job doing tech support for AOL/Compuserve. Over the next couple of years, I noticed my weight gradually changing again. I went back up to a size 7 and sometimes when shopping the 7 wouldn't fit so I'd have to get a 9 but for the most part, it was a 7 and I was satisfied with how I looked.

At age 29, we broke up (for various reasons that have nothing to do with anything here) and I moved to Tampa, FL for a change of pace. I was a size 9 when I moved there, rapidly approaching a size 11. I got a job there doing product support and discovered phentermine. I told the doctor I was always so small and for me to be this fat was making me depressed and wanting to cry all the time and I couldn't be that way when I was supposed to be this happy, know it all on the end of the line for these customers. So against his better judgement he gave it to me. Wow, I dropped to a size 5 in no time flat. I have no idea how much I weighed because I have never owned a scale. I only know what size my jeans are that fit me. I did notice my mouth was always dry, I felt that "cracked out" feeling for the first hour or two when it first kicked in and tons of nervous energy. I talked way too much and people on the phone thought I was so nice and funny and energetic so it worked out for everyone. Once into that size 5 I stopped taking them, with minimal side effects. A little headache for a day or two, no big deal.

This is where my roller coaster starts. I actually bought a scale at this point as I was always being asked my weight when telling the story to people about the wonders of adipex (phentermine). I was 108-112 as a size 5. I noticed being off the pills I went up to a size 7 and weighed about 115-120. Once I put on my favorite satin jeans that are a 7 and they were tight, I jumped on the scale and it said 122. I panicked and ran for the phen. Back to the 115 I went in a month. This continued for the entire 5 years I was in FL. If I gained, I'd start taking the pills. When I lost, I'd stop taking. I thought I was being smart. Everyone around me kept telling me they knew when I was taking them because I was a completely different person. I called them crazy. They said I was mean, short tempered... I would freak out at the smallest things, I was loud when I talked and most of the time would rant on about things they found hard to make sense of. I noticed none of this. I honestly just felt like I had more energy and nothing else.

2 years ago, I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy ..... twice. The doctor didn't get it all the first time and I ended up back in the ER 3 weeks, 6 days after the first surgery. During this time, I was depressed and all I wanted to do was eat. For the first time in my life, I understood people saying food made them feel better. I was told it would go away and that it was just my hormones. I moved back to Ohio shortly after all this, just wanting to be near my family again. I had saved enough money that I started doing Graphic Design from home.

For a year, I worked from home and just took the phen every day to keep thin. After awhile it stopped working but I took it anyhow. I was a size 9 and very unhappy about this. I couldn't get down into my 7. It was making me crazy. I started taking 2 phen a day. Then the strange side effects started. My scalp would itch like crazy. I thought I had dandruff so I tried switching shampoos. I noticed my skin was starting to flake off my face near my scalp. I noticed my fingers and toes were always cold. My hair was geting thin and brittle and my teeth would ache at night. I can only assume it's because I clenched them while I slept. My arm would ache like I had tendonitis when I was at the computers, some days so bad I had to stop working. I didn't realize any of this could be due to the phen so I went to my doctor, who immidately thought my symptoms were due to hypothyroid, caused by the issues from two years ago. He ordered blood work and told me to stop taking any medications I was on. I went and got a facial, got my hair cut and spent about $300 on products for my skin (which I have to admit are awesome!). The results kept coming back negative. He couldn't figure out what the problem was. I had stopped taking the phen for 2 months. My skin started looking great and my hair felt a little better, at least there wasn't so much of it in the sink each moring. I went to the doctor last week for more blood work. I weighed 143 on his scale. I stood there and started crying like an idiot. I've been off phen for 2 months at this point. All my symptoms were gone but I had balooned in just that 2 months from a size 9 to almost a size 13.

This brings to current. I just ordered another bottle of phen. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't eat like a pig. I have an eliptical machine I use 3 times a week. Fat is not an option! I'm freaked out that my skin will start looking bad again but I'm more freaked out that I'll gain even more weight. I'm almost 36 and single. I feel like at the weight I am right now, no man will ever want me. Why would they when I think myself disgusting. I know others have been faced with these same issues. Some I've read here and thought they know exactly how I feel. Is phen worth the side effects? I've never taken anything else that worked, although at times I've tried them all, it seems.... at least the ones OTC like the ephedra ones. I don't want to go back to the skin problems but I can't keep gaining weight. I'm sure some of it is age. Some of it is the fact that I work from home and don't leave my house much. I just can't fathom another solution.

[wishiwas120]

Sorry to hear all the stuggles you have been through. It is so hard I know I was a size 3to5 up until I turned 24 and I have struggled ever since and I have tried everything phen is my last resort. I have acually notice I have more hair comming out in my comb, but the first thought is I'm not eatting enough. When a person dosen't eat enough cal a day all the things you experienced happen. You didn't mention your diet in your story so I don't know but I have started adding up my cal each day and yesterday for example I only ate 300 cal but I worked out on the eliptical and burned 250cal plus I worked my arms and abs for 30 min then went for a 30 min walk when i got home so my cal loss was way more than what I ate. I know this isn't good so I will whatch better but maybe that is what is wrong. I read in some doc web page that a female sould consume at least 800 cal a day to mantain a healthy system. Hair teeth bone nervous system which pretty much effects everything.
HOpe this helps and good luck. Hange in there

[ocd4dmb]

Well my diet varies but I am always caught between that realm of what I want to eat versus what I should eat. About 75-80% of the time I eat what I should eat. I think that's a pretty good average. My problem is, I don't like alot of veggies or fruits so while I don't pig out on pizza and chips and eat low cal or low fat, it's usually not those two things. I have a lot of Lean Cuisines in my freezer and I have about 10 recipes for cooking chicken.

So today is my first day back on the phen since March. I already feel more energy and less hunger. Let the weight loss begin again!

[wishiwas120]

If you dont like fruits and veggies maybe you sould try atkins or south beach. Im not big on fruit or veggies either and I seem to do better on low carb. Well also if it makes you feel any better I would die to be 143pds right now. So I m sure you still look better than what you are thinking.

[ocd4dmb]

I have a friend who says that same thing. I actually did try the atkins thing but just didn't like it too much. I found it more restrictive to what foods I actually like than anything else.

As for the 143, I realize I'm not a cow but it's the heaviest I've been my entire life. And at 5'2" every single pound is noticeable. I have a whole closet full of clothes I can't wear right now. I feel like everyone is looking at me thinking I'm chunky because that's what I see in the mirror every day. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. I know I'm entirely too vain but I can't help it.

[EBONY POETESS]

Hey ocd Maybe phen is not for you!You are a nice size now no where near fat!You have been through alot so stress might be contributing to your weight gain!Phen is a strong drug and you are just 143! I see you want to be 115 but you are older now and your body goes through changes.The doc told me I should be 125 but my goal is 160 a size 10 and I'm content with that! You are putting alot of pressure on yourself honey Losing the weight is only half the battle,the mental state will be a war for the rest of your life because it determines about how you feel about you on the inside and that will surely reflect the outside
Take care sweetie

[ocd4dmb]

You as at 160 is a size 10. Me at 143 is about to bust out of a size 13. So for me it's more about the size that fits me and how I look in the mirror than the pounds. I'm only guessing 115 because I know before that was about a size 7 for me. I know I'm getting older but I refuse to give in to the mentality that you have to be heavier than you want to be just because your getting older. There's no reason I can't be thin if I'm doing all the right things to be that way.

You're right though, most of it is mental. But when I think I'm overweight, I'm miserable with myself and with everyone else so I feel like this is something I have to do. The phen is the only thing that helps me control myself and motivate me to eat right and excersize. Thanks for the kind words!

[wishiwas120]

I totally agree with you cristina. Everyone has there goals and ideal weights in mind I am the same as you a am 5"3" and my ideal weight sould be 118-120. my goal is 120. 110 is where I would love to be, but I know my high school weight is not a reasonalble goal. I am 160 right now with a ton of cute clothes in my closet that start at size 10 and go to 5. I'm a loss 14 right now and I feel like a fat cow. weight also depends on the amount of muscle you have it is more size that should matter not weight. Cuz at 160 theres no way I can fit into I size 10/12 unles Iwant the worse camle t--- in the world.

Hange in there. you can do it.