[misso]

OKay, here's the deal...I don't know how I'm going to shorten this one up; I have a dilemma that involves my son and I want to make the best decision for HIM. Let me give you a little background first.

My son Jacob is six, going to be seven 9/21. He's SO wonderful; happy and a really good boy. I have been divorced from his father since my son was only eight months old. He's a real *******. To say the VERY least. When my son and I left, we were fine. Great. I didn't have a job when I left, but found one right away. My ex-mother in law was watching Jacob while we both worked. Then my ex-husband realized we REALLY weren't going to get back together. So he got his mother (AKA mommy, who, btw, he STILL lives with at 41 years of age!!) to get him a lawyer and start the ball rolling to take custody of my son. I am a wonderful mother; I've NEVER doubted that. I did NONE of the things he accused me of; prostitution, drugs, not having a car. (My car DID get repo-ed but that was because I was stupid enough to believe him when he said he would make the payments until we settled everything. Him making those things up didn't bother me much; he had no proof since it wasn't even true. The worst part is that he took Jacob one day for his parenting time and never brought him back. He kept him at his house; it wasn't like he had kidnapped him. And since there was no court order of custody arrangements, there was nothing I could do. NOTHING. I went to his house every day to pick up my son. He wouldn't let me and I would call the police. They would tell me the same thing; you can make a report for when you get to court but we can't take him away from his father and give him to you since there's no order. And get this--even if there WAS an order, they couldn't FORCE him to hand him over to me. They could only try to sway his mind to do so. HORRIBLE? Yes. Very. For EIGHT months I went through this. Court dates, postponements, etc. My ex had a new girlfriend and was on and off with her for three years, moving himself and my son in and out of her house at least six times. Any time I had to see my son, I had to visit him at my ex's mothers house, with his girlfriend there. He tortured me, not answering his phone on certain days at all, and other days he'd tell me they were out and he would call me when they got back for me to come and see Jacob. But if he decided he didn't feel like calling me when he got home, he didn't.

Shockingly, my ex was granted "primary household", with us having joint legal custody. You mothers can IMAGINE what it's like to hear that. There was NO basis for him to have that title, I couldn't understand it and demanded we go back to court right away to dispute the order. His claims has no validation, his lawyer was a complete SNAKE and the only thing I could think of was that my lawyer must've screwed up somewhere. Do you believe he was even granted child support RETROACTIVE for the amount of time he KEPT Jacob from me?!

Years later, I've tried EVERYTHING I could think of to get this title back. I stayed home and tried to use that as a reason to go to court and say I could take better care of Jacob than his grandmother. (My ex's mother was caring for Jacob; my ex depended on her to do everything!) The court denied my request, saying it would be too much of a disturbance to his routine. My ex even took me to court when Jacob started school, asking for my overnights to be discontinued since I lived a half an hour away. The court denied the specific request, but did cut my time down to TWO HOURS TWICE A WEEK!!!! and every other weekend. I drove the half hour to pick him up, spent two hours with him in the town where he lives, and dropped him off, and drove the half hour back home. I have been consistent, dedicated and unwaivering when it comes to caring for my child and doing everything it has taken for me to be in his life. A year ago, despite being in a relationship for four years and engaged, I moved to the town that Jacob lives in, hoping to again have him overnight and be able to see my little boy go off to school in the morning. The court denied my request, again, saying it would be too much of a disturbance to his routine.

So I've lived in this town for one year, busted my butt working THREE jobs to make it on my own, while my ex STILL lives with his MOTHER! She cares for Jacob, not my ex. Jacob tells me all of the time that he wants to live with me; that his Dad doesn't spend time with him, that his Dad just watches TV and goes on the computer. It breaks my heart when he's not with me. It has been torture for the past six and a half years of my life. The only way I've dealt with it is to try everything I can think of short of running away with him!

Now I'm at this point where I can't afford to live on my own anymore and I'm miserable in this town. I know no one, there's nothing there, it's not the kind of town that you can easily make friends in, and when I involve myself in Jacob's school life, it's almost like a lifetime movie!! I swear, they all look at me weird, like they know the story, but only my ex's side. So of course when you only know one side...you assume. I don't care what they think of me, but it certainly doesn't make me feel welcome at my own child's school. They even were leaving me out of decisions, academically speaking! I raised such a stink that now they send me a separate copy of every piece of paper they send to my ex.

My dilemma here is, I have an opportunity to live in a house, where Jacob would still have a yard, with a roommate who also has children and I can afford to live there and still save money. The problem is, it's back in my hometown, where I lived a year ago before I moved to the town Jacob lives in. So if I move back there, I will be further from him, but really, the reason I moved there was to have more time with Jacob and that didn't work out. If I move back there, I will have to do the drive again, up there two nights a week, get him, spend two hours with him and drive back home. And if it's cold out, where do we go for two hours?! School functions would require me to drive there. I can't afford to live on my own, and I want to live back in my hometown, but if that's not what's best for Jacob, I don't want to do it. Then again, wouldn't it be best if I live somewhere where I can save money and buy us a house? And wouldn't it be best for ME to be happy as well, cuz we know if Mommy's not happy, no body's happy!

Sorry for the length, but it was really required for anyone to understand the full story. I haven't given up hope that Jacob WILL live with me one day, I know God will make it happen b/c it's what's best for Jacob. I don't know the reason this is all happening right now, but I know it'll be clear some day. Can you guys help me figure this one out for now? I'm praying, but I'm kinda in a bind; I'm ready to move NOW. Do I stay and continue to work three jobs and not enjoy life or move and miss my son b/c I'm not as close to him and have to leave him after two hours of time twice a week??

Thanks you guys! I know this has nothing to do with phen, but it IS life and life is why we're all here, right?

[Lady Shazerz]

They would tell me the same thing; you can make a report for when you get to court but we can't take him away from his father and give him to you since there's no order. And get this--even if there WAS an order, they couldn't FORCE him to hand him over to me.

How come you can't use that to your advantage?? If there is no way to FORCE him to give him to you when there is a court order then how can the FORCE you to give him back??

My heart is so hurting for you and I can't believe that living with his father in his grandmothers house can be better than with his mom. To hear your son say that his father is on the computer and watches TV and doesn't spend time with him kills my soul. If you can afford it, get a private detective!! If your son is being neglected he will be able to prove it.

Personally, way back when he took my kid the first time he would have either wished he hadn't or killed me in the process. I might have walked away with a black eye and maybe some broken bones or be dead but he would know that by god I had tried to get my kid back. They would have had to pry my child from my cold dead hands.

I know some people who know some people.......

[cecebean]

You should stay in the town where your son resides, and let me tell you why...

When I met my husband, he had a 3 year old little girl that I fell in love with right away (she is almost 9 now). My husband has sole custody of her and her bio mom pretty much gave her to him when she was about 18 months old and pronounced that she could not raise a child, so HE did it all by himself. So, I have pretty much helped him raise her since we were engaged and living together from the time she was 4. She does not know her bio mom because she lives in Oregon and NEVER EVER writes, or calls, or sends things to her...NEVER. Well, long story short, her bio mom wanted to see her 3 years ago, so she petitioned the court to give HER custody...now, I know every case is different, but when we got to court here in Arizona, the judge asked her mom where she was living, and when her mom told the judge she was still planning to live in Oregon, the judge asked her why she did not want to live near her child and she had a million excuses. I just learned that living near your child is going to make a big difference in the eyes of any court. I know you would only be 1/2 hour away, but wouldn't your life be so much easier if you were close to him and his school and any sports or activites he might be in? I can tell you are just heartbroken over this, and I can tell that you really love your boy. I hope you make the right decision for both of you.


By the way, her bio mom never moved back to AZ and we have not heard from her since. We are in the process of severing her parental rights, so I can adopt her!

[imabijou]

I just have a few comments!
1st of all, ½ an hour away is nothing...There are cities like Houston and Dallas and even Nashville
that it takes a good ½ hour or more to get from just one side to the other! So, how can that fact hold
water?

2nd, I know you've had to spend megga bucks to go through the last 6 years if you've done all the
court/lawyer stuff! And there comes a time when the money runs out! You CANNOT do what you
CANNOT do! Don't beat yourself up over this...You should not feel guilty about having to do what
you have to do to better yourself and by bettering yourself you will be bettering your child in case
he ever does get to come live with you!

3rd, sometimes we just have to give up! You don't have to like it...You can hate the fact of it but
somtimes it is fact! They say "when you fail, try, try again"! But they don't tell you how to go about
it when you've exausted all your means trying...Your son will grow old enough one day that the courts
will listen to him...If you've kept yourself upright in whatever community you live in and live by
good standards then the ex has nothing he can prove...I don't know how old his mother is now
but she isn't going to live forever...And when that happens then he'll be the one dealing with raising
the child or he'll have a spouse/partner raising him and that doesn't usually work out either...So,
you do have that much in your favor...If he isn't the one raising him now then he more than likely
won't like that responsibility when it's dumped in his lap...

So, I say, hold your head up...Don't feel guilty about what you HAVE to do...Get on your feet again
and then if you have too, FIGHT LIKE HELL!!!

[misso]

Thanks ladies! It's good to get different points of view, especially from people who've been through this. I want to be back in my hometown, where I know everyone, I can visit my friends and family, etc. But the thought of being a half hour away from him again, even when it's NOT supposed to be my time with him, hurts me. I want to be close to him, if only for his knowing that I'm there. Just in case. I think you're right, I think I need to stay. Still not 100% though. CECEBEAN, that's really a shame for your adopted-daughter-to-be not to know her mom. It's her fault, though. I'll NEVER understand HOW mothers can just leave their children. Thank God that little girl has you! Good luck with everything; God will make sure it works out!

And Lady Shazerz, CONGRATS on looking hot!! And thank you for taking the time to help me out!

XOXO to you both!!

[misso]

And thank you too, imabijou! My sister used to tell me to go on Montel Williams...I think that's a great idea..sure...but how the heck do I get him to listen to even get me there? You never know...Now I'm thinking if I can find a roommate where I live now...I'd be in a better financial situation AND still live close to him. I didn't mention the fact that I broke up with my fiance, but this past year, we've been trying to work it out. But he's not willing to move there if I stay there, so to heck with em, right??? Thanks again sweeties!

[Lady Shazerz]

Well, first of all, thank you...

Second of all, montelshow.com, he rocks!! He will get you a private investigator and your ex will RUE the day I tell YOU!!

My prayers are with you!!

[thin4good]

I have a few thoughts for you. find a local battered woman's shelter and tell them what you're going through. yes, I realize you are not a battered woman, but you didn't say why you left your ex. Perhaps tehre was some form of abuse involved? Secondarily making up lies about you to your son is a form of abuse.

Anyway, the reason I say contact a battered woman's shelter is they know what resources that are available to keep children with mothers and not with abusive or neglectful fathers! A lot of times they also work with very high end attorneys that to do this sort of work pro bono.

You need someone who specializes in difficult cases like yours to advise you. This person will be able to tell you whether a half an hour matters or not. Much more so than we can.

Also, it seems to me like your husband reaches out to the community more... His mom, the school seems to know his side, etc. but you don't mention who you have as a support system. Make sure the schools know your side, sometiems they do end up getting involved in these situations. CAn your son see the school counselor who can determine how he's doing and if he's thriving w/ his father? etc.

[Angela C]

I couldn't even imagine going through that hon((hugs)).My heart breaks for you. You have been treated so unfairly! How can they do this?

I think you finding a roommate is a great idea.I hope you find one soon.My thoughts and prayers are with you and your baby((hugs)).Good luck hon((hugs)).

[misso]

That's a GREAT suggestion! I have been doing this for six years, and like I said, I haven't given up hope. I used to faithfully document everything that happened, but after submitting a six inch thick file to the court and nothing being done, I was SO discouraged!
I did contact a women's center and they recommened and attorney, but she didn't do it pro bono. I am so sad that the world is this way; we need more people in the world who are less greedy and more giving.

I think having Jacob see the school counselor is a GREAT idea! I was also thinking of taking him to individual therapy. Not for my case, but for his mental health in general. I worry about that SO much! I do NOT want him growing up feeling unloved by either of us, let alone me. I know I do my very best to show him how special he is to me, to the world and to God everyday. I know he KNOWS I love him. I just worry about his future. As of right now, each and every time I call him, he's watching TV! It drives me CRAZY! This boy is SO intelligent and his father is letting him watch SO many hours of TV a day!
UGH! Sorry to rant again, but I get so hyped up, then fall down b/c I feel like nothing is going to be done about it until Jacob can voice his own opinion. And even then, do I want to put him through having to look his own father in the eyes and tell him he wants to live with me??

BTW, Yes, there was abuse. Every kind you can imagine. I know he doesn't abuse our son, but i know he's short-tempered with him and does NOT validate his feelings. I even sat him down with Jacob and I one time to tell him that Jacob had told me his Dad was hurting his feelings by never spending time with him and by yelling at him alot. You know what he said? He told Jacob he didn't know what he was talking about as in"you don't know what you're talking about". I wanted to jump up and kick him right in the *you-know-whats!!* How do you tell a six year old that/??? They know their feelings by then, or at least how they feel, maybe not why. Anyway, thanks again and I will try these suggestions ladies.
XOXO

[misso]

I know I keep writing, but you guys are unbelievable supportive! Just want to say thank you! Angela C. that's a beautiful picture of you and what I assume to be your beautiful daughter? Thank you for your hugs and thoughts! Keep us in your prayers (please). Thank you!!