[scatanafas]

When I don't feel good I get creative......I think pain is a muse for me....so anyhow I hope this makes y'all laugh, I wanted to share..

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED IN MY FORTY YEARS People basically ****. A good number of them do. They are out for themselves. Very few people can be trusted. We live in a world where brother goes against brother. Money is NOT the root of all evil, it is just toxic people that screw it up so that money looks bad. DO NOT lean on the windshield of a 1968 Shelby Cobra There is no such thing as a bad child, just a bad parent. Size DOES NOT matter. Children give the best hugs. Diet pills do not work. Manatees are somehow related to elephants...yeah yanno I was suprised too. Hybrid roses smell better. A million dollars doesn't buy you much house in the right neighborhood. Headache is a sign of gallbladder disease. Iceberg lettuce has close to NO nutritional value. The right bra makes a difference, and most probably you are wearing the wrong size. It is okay to get a Tag Heur watch wet, it was created for diving....so they say. YOU CAN get rejected for not being big boned enough from a fat guy, while in the same week a skinny guy thinks you're a pig. Givenchy makes the best mascara. You can write off your sneakers as a business expense if you teach aerobics. Cherry is not really a hardwood...DO NOT walk on it. A bikini wax hurts less if you do lamaze breathing in between screams. If a man loves you enough to work 13 hours a day to give you a nice life don't complain if he doesn't put his socks in the hamper. You can kill someone with potassium chloride and make it look like a heart attack but your luck the medical examiner wants to be super CSI man and you'll get busted. Thongs hurt when you get fat. There is a whole colony of people that live under the subway called mole people.....the subway is made up of five levels...did you know that? Once in a while you see the mole people buying donuts at the LIRR part of Penn Station. Don't believe a man when he tells you he can get you chanel shoes at a discount. Don't believe a man. Don't scream with your mouth open in the splash zone at Seaworld....Where do you think Shamu pees? Somewhere down the line you are going to need that botox....it is inevitable..it is just a matter of time. Captchas are easier to decipher after you've had scotch. Quote Shakespeare and mention a threesome in the same conversation and a man will find you irresistable. A man will pursue you for his own ego, then if you actually seem interested watch him run for the hills. Opussums can die during childbirth...right on your front lawn. Breastfeeding is best, just don't expect your rack to ever be the same. You can wash granite countertops with vinegar and water. MS patients lack vitamin D...everyone should get 20 minutes of unprotected sun a day! Satan lives through people, and chances are one of those people will wind up being one of your in-laws. If you put a bottle of parrot in a loaf of bread you can smuggle it into Iraq and it won't break. When the guy at the post office asks if you have anything liquid or perishable in the box tell him its just filled with tampons...he'll leave you alone after that. YES, the underwire of your triple D cup bra can set off the metal detector at the airport. It is no hotter in Orlando in July than it is in New York. Bring your own manicure tools with you to the nail salon. That UV light doesn't sanitize..it is a black light y'all....made for posters of Jim Morrison. Lobsters are overrated. They are big insects. When a man tells you he wants to get his nipples pierced and then pee on you, excuse yourself, go to the ladies room and pray there's a window your fat *** can climb out of. At the Marriott if you complain that the towels smell like cheese they bring you new ones, and they have this exercise wedge they'll bring to your room too..which can be used for other things Eggplants will explode in the oven, so will potatoes. Diet soda can eat away at the enamel of your teeth, they have as much acid as batteries. Dill pickles are good for gallbladder disease..so are beets. Do not try and be a lesbian if you really aren't into it. I don't care if they say it tastes like chicken

[sassychica]

OMG I freakin love you!

[thin4good]

oh scat, next to the breast you are the best my friend! that was damn funny!

[sleventis]

omg...THAT WAS FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....hhmmmm....gets me thinking of all the little things I have learned in my almost 31 years....ooohhhh.....ok...this is a huge source of contention with me right now..."Just becuase you bust your a** in college; obtain a masters degree...work three jobs to get through it all....part of that time as a single mom...and acquire 56K in student loan debt...doesnt mean you'll be able to get a job that pays any better than waiting table and bartending nights...actually...You'll make more doing the latter"...thank you and have a nice day...hahaha

[scatanafas]

I hear sleventis....I used to make one to two hundred dollars a day working in my dad's diner when I was in high school,...TAX FREE......sometimes I wonder why I busted my *** to go to college and grad. school..OH FREAKING WELL....I'm educated now...ROFL

[AuShucks]

Originally Posted by scatanafas

. When a man tells you he wants to get his nipples pierced and then pee on you, excuse yourself, go to the ladies room and pray there's a window your fat *** can climb out of.

OH girl, we've got some serious catching up to do.................

FUNNY STUFF ! ( We'll talk later !! )

[daiseered]

omg scat i love you

[tifftiff8]

Scat!!!! You are the best!! I am loving you!! You are so funny and real!! You are so awesome!!!!!!! You look good too girl!!!!!!!! I can't wait to get to your weight and pray that I look as good as you! You are a HOTTIE!!!

I am agreeing DON"T TRUST MEN!!!!!! LOL Always stay a step ahead if you can!!!! Have a great day!!!!!!

[MaggieinATL]

Scat, that's the funniest thing I have read in AGES! You truly are gifted. You should write a little book and sell it! I WOULD BUY IT!!

And, you are my favorite fashionesta!

The biggest lesson I've learned in 45 years-the best inlaws are dead inlaws

[scatanafas]

aww thanks guys...It always frustrated me that I could write such funny stuff but have nowhere to share it since i'm not a real writer...so atleast I can come here...I am going to be adding to that list as time goes on, it is on my myspace page.......

[Band Mamma]

AMEN!!!!!
I have my Associates and I just started going for my Bachelors while I wait for someone to want to hire an A student for something at least equal to what I was making before I went into debt.

Originally Posted by sleventis

omg...THAT WAS FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....hhmmmm....gets me thinking of all the little things I have learned in my almost 31 years....ooohhhh.....ok...this is a huge source of contention with me right now..."Just becuase you bust your a** in college; obtain a masters degree...work three jobs to get through it all....part of that time as a single mom...and acquire 56K in student loan debt...doesnt mean you'll be able to get a job that pays any better than waiting table and bartending nights...actually...You'll make more doing the latter"...thank you and have a nice day...hahaha

[i82much]

Perfect!! Did you know a peacock is always a male? the female is a peaHEN! I thought boys and girls were Peacocks! What's the funniest is that I learned that from one of my kids preschool shows!

[cecebean]

You are so clever Scat! Love it!