Guide to Office Pooping - Phentermine.com

Hooligan306 · April 27th, 2008, 11:57 AM

I am SO sorry, but I just read this and I can't help myself. With all the poo talk around here I had to post this.

WARNING: IF YOU ARE TAKING ALLI OR XENICAL, DO NOT READ!!!! LEAVE NOW!! YOU MAY LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY AND CAUSE YOURSELF LEAKAGE!!

HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.

As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

For those
who hate pooping at work, the following is a Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not
in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this.

Do not stop until the full **** has
been expelled.

Walk an extra 50 feet to make sure the smell has left
your pants.

FLY BY
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.

Walk in and
check for other poopers.

If there are others in the bathroom, leave
and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.

People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
This is a **** that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall.

This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen.

If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE.

It is
uncomfortable for all involved.

Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.

This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.

If this should
happen, do not panic.

Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.

This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
bathroom This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk the bathroom.

This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you.

As with farts, it is best to pretend that the
smell does not exist.

This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with
the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.

You
will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.

Always look around the
office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.

)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident.

This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A SAFE HAVEN is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors.

Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex.

This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open.

This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.

If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves.

This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall is called a CAMO-COUGH.

This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS.

The CAMO-COUGH is very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE

ASTAIRE
An ASTAIRE is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall.

This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied.

If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
A WATERMELON is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.

If you feel a
WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. This is often accompanied by an ESCAPEE.

Try using a CAMO-COUGH
with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TODD
An UNCLE TODD is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.

This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror
or sitting on the pot.

An UNCLE TODD makes it difficult to relax while on
the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope this Survival Guide helps, as the WORK POOP is an inevitable part
of life.

dalako · April 27th, 2008, 12:05 PM

HAHAHAHA!!!

Too funny!!!

A co-worker of mine had to poo and she tried to cover it up but tapping her feet.... we nicknamed her "The Tapping Pooper"... LOL

AuShucks · April 27th, 2008, 12:16 PM

That was good Hooligan - man, I needed a good laugh this morning !

dixiesdaisy · April 27th, 2008, 12:17 PM

Very funny! Need to add something about the people that feel it's ok to sit in the stall while talking on their cellphone in the public restroom... I hate that. It takes a while to determine if they are talking to ME or on the phone.

mommadeb · April 27th, 2008, 12:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dixiesdaisy

Very funny! Need to add something about the people that feel it's ok to sit in the stall while talking on their cellphone in the public restroom... I hate that. It takes a while to determine if they are talking to ME or on the phone.

Agreed! I swear I'm the only woman at work who doesn't pee & talk.

IMO, it's disrespectful to the person you're talking to...and it embarrasses the rest of us. Besides, who really wants to hear toilets flush...or any other noises coming from the restroom.

dalako · April 27th, 2008, 12:23 PM

AGREED!!!!!
I hate going into a bathroom and there is a person talking on their cell.... you ever notice that they don't talk quietly either... they are loud,... I know the bathroom echo's but COME ON!!!! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU POOP OR PEE!!!!

dixiesdaisy · April 27th, 2008, 01:00 PM

Good to know I'm not the only one perturbed by this! lol

libby0920 · April 27th, 2008, 01:04 PM

lol maybe their doin it to cover up their poopin! ahahahahhha

got2loose2 · April 27th, 2008, 01:49 PM

LOVE IT! I work in a small office that has 2 bathrooms side by side. All of us there are very open about our poopin habbits and issues. The farthest bathroom is the poop room...don't think about going in the first! I definately have to share this with them!

OnMyWay2aNewMe · April 27th, 2008, 02:35 PM

That was funny!
I am one that has issues with going poop at work...I hate it and will try so hard not to (and these days that's easy with this damn constipation)!
We have two single bathrooms next to each other. So, if you poop...there might be a possibility someone cold be waiting outside that door to use the bathroom. Boy is that awkward!

Phen-tabulous · April 27th, 2008, 04:49 PM

Hooligan man you rock!!!!!!

I have not laughed that hard in a long time.

lovinmyair · April 27th, 2008, 04:55 PM

*LOL* That's funny stuff. I hate using restrooms other than at home (haha to bad it's not costipation). I wait until everyone clears out, look around and then if someone comes in and wait until they leave. Then I wash my hands and go out right after they leave. I've never seen someone on their sell phone while using the bathroom. That would annoy me too.

April 27th, 2008, 11:57 AM	#1 (permalink)
Hooligan306 Silver Phenster Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 114 Lost Weight: -40 lbs Current Weight: 341 Goal Weight: 270 -290 we'll see when we get there!!!	Guide to Office Pooping I am SO sorry, but I just read this and I can't help myself. With all the poo talk around here I had to post this. WARNING: IF YOU ARE TAKING ALLI OR XENICAL, DO NOT READ!!!! LEAVE NOW!! YOU MAY LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY AND CAUSE YOURSELF LEAKAGE!! HOW TO POOP AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is a Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full ** has been expelled. Walk an extra 50 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE This is a ** that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom. POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N. ) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS A SAFE HAVEN is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a CAMO-COUGH. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. The CAMO-COUGH is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE ASTAIRE An ASTAIRE is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON A WATERMELON is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. This is often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE. UNCLE TODD An UNCLE TODD is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TODD makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees. Hope this Survival Guide helps, as the WORK POOP is an inevitable part of life.

April 27th, 2008, 12:05 PM	#2 (permalink)
dalako Platinum Phenster Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: MN Posts: 1,140 Lost Weight: 45lbs Current Weight: 215 Goal Weight: 199	HAHAHAHA!!! Too funny!!! A co-worker of mine had to poo and she tried to cover it up but tapping her feet.... we nicknamed her "The Tapping Pooper"... LOL Height= 5'8" SW = 259 1/24/08 CW 2/21/08 = 238 Lost 20 lbs CW 3/20/08 = 234 total 24 lbs went off phen CW 4/18/08 = 221 toal 33 lbs *reached mini goal CW 6/9/08 = TOM & Vacation.... 231 dang it- But it was fun CW 7/1/08 = 222 CW 8/5/08 = 215 -Down 45lbs WOOT WOOT!!!! Next Mini Goal = 210

April 27th, 2008, 12:17 PM	#4 (permalink)
dixiesdaisy Bronze Phenster Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Alabama Posts: 53 Lost Weight: -17lbs 5/19/08 Current Weight: 218 5/19/08 Goal Weight: 150	Very funny! Need to add something about the people that feel it's ok to sit in the stall while talking on their cellphone in the public restroom... I hate that. It takes a while to determine if they are talking to ME or on the phone. SW - 235 4/1/08 CW - 231 4/7/08 (-4) CW - 229 4/22/08 (-2) (TOM. ugh) CW - 226 4/28/08 (-3) CW- 225 5/05/08 (-1) CW- 223 5/12/08 (-2) CW- 218 5/19/08 (-5) 1st Mini-Goal - Under 220 by end of May GOAL - 150 (By January? Nice way to start off the new year. lol) 2 weeks after starting Phen

April 27th, 2008, 12:23 PM	#6 (permalink)
dalako Platinum Phenster Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: MN Posts: 1,140 Lost Weight: 45lbs Current Weight: 215 Goal Weight: 199	AGREED!!!!! I hate going into a bathroom and there is a person talking on their cell.... you ever notice that they don't talk quietly either... they are loud,... I know the bathroom echo's but COME ON!!!! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU POOP OR PEE!!!! Height= 5'8" SW = 259 1/24/08 CW 2/21/08 = 238 Lost 20 lbs CW 3/20/08 = 234 total 24 lbs went off phen CW 4/18/08 = 221 toal 33 lbs *reached mini goal CW 6/9/08 = TOM & Vacation.... 231 dang it- But it was fun CW 7/1/08 = 222 CW 8/5/08 = 215 -Down 45lbs WOOT WOOT!!!! Next Mini Goal = 210

April 27th, 2008, 01:00 PM	#7 (permalink)
dixiesdaisy Bronze Phenster Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Alabama Posts: 53 Lost Weight: -17lbs 5/19/08 Current Weight: 218 5/19/08 Goal Weight: 150	Good to know I'm not the only one perturbed by this! lol SW - 235 4/1/08 CW - 231 4/7/08 (-4) CW - 229 4/22/08 (-2) (TOM. ugh) CW - 226 4/28/08 (-3) CW- 225 5/05/08 (-1) CW- 223 5/12/08 (-2) CW- 218 5/19/08 (-5) 1st Mini-Goal - Under 220 by end of May GOAL - 150 (By January? Nice way to start off the new year. lol) 2 weeks after starting Phen

April 27th, 2008, 12:16 PM	#3 (permalink)
AuShucks Banned Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: SWEET HOME ALABAMA Posts: 1,235 Lost Weight: Approx. 30 lbs Current Weight: 244.5 Goal Weight: 175	That was good Hooligan - man, I needed a good laugh this morning !

April 27th, 2008, 01:04 PM	#8 (permalink)
libby0920 Diamond Phenster Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Nashville, Tn Posts: 3,163 Lost Weight: -61 lbs Current Weight: 182 Goal Weight: 130	lol maybe their doin it to cover up their poopin! ahahahahhha 2/10/08 - 3/08/08 -19 (Month 1 on Phen) 3/15/08 - 4/05/08** -31 (Month 2 on Phen) 4/12/08 - 5/03/08** -35 (Month 3 on Phen) 5/10/08 - 5/31/08** -45 (Month 4 on Phen) 6/07/08 - 6/28/08** -49 (Month 5 NO Phen) 7/12/08- 7/26/08 -58 (Month 6 on Phen) month 5 results 1st mini goal=215 met 2nd mini goal=200 met 3rd mini goal=185 met 4th mini goal= 170

April 27th, 2008, 01:49 PM	#9 (permalink)
got2loose2 Silver Phenster Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: illinois Posts: 395 Lost Weight: 48 on phen 76 total Current Weight: 271 Goal Weight: 200	LOVE IT! I work in a small office that has 2 bathrooms side by side. All of us there are very open about our poopin habbits and issues. The farthest bathroom is the poop room...don't think about going in the first! I definately have to share this with them! 8/07 347 lbs 3/24/08 319 lbs 3/30/08 Started Phen 4/14/08 301.8 my lowest in 13 years! 4/25/08 296 1 month weigh in-3 weeks on Phen 5/30/08 281 2 month weigh in 3/27/08 271 3 month weigh in 1st mini goal: 5/1/08 300 lbs 2nd mini goal: 7/1/08 280 lbs

April 27th, 2008, 02:35 PM	#10 (permalink)
OnMyWay2aNewMe Silver Phenster Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 281 Lost Weight: -25 Current Weight: 203 Goal Weight: 150	That was funny! I am one that has issues with going poop at work...I hate it and will try so hard not to (and these days that's easy with this damn constipation)! We have two single bathrooms next to each other. So, if you poop...there might be a possibility someone cold be waiting outside that door to use the bathroom. Boy is that awkward! Jessica SW (3/21/08) : 228 1st Month: -15.6 2nd Month: -4 5/31/08: 205.6 6/7/08: 205.6 6/14/08: 207...PMS, stress, no diet, and no exercise. 6/21/08: 203 *"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."*

April 27th, 2008, 04:49 PM	#11 (permalink)
Phen-tabulous Bronze Phenster Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Southwest Georgia Posts: 43 Lost Weight: -16lbs. Current Weight: 203 lbs. Goal Weight: 150 lbs.	Hooligan man you rock!!!!!! I have not laughed that hard in a long time. That's Me at 219lbs.]

April 27th, 2008, 04:55 PM	#12 (permalink)
lovinmyair Silver Phenster Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 226 Lost Weight: 54 ibs Current Weight: 189 Goal Weight: 125	LOL That's funny stuff. I hate using restrooms other than at home (haha to bad it's not costipation). I wait until everyone clears out, look around and then if someone comes in and wait until they leave. Then I wash my hands and go out right after they leave. I've never seen someone on their sell phone while using the bathroom. That would annoy me too.