[sweetlynumb]

Before you even start reading I warn you it's long, I'm sorry. Please note it's taking me a lot of courage to post this so please do not flame me. You may post an opposing viewpoint that will be helpful to others, you may share your stories, you may offer advice, but insulting me or telling me things I already know will not accomplish any good. I will begin by saying I am fully aware that what I'm doing is wrong, the problem is that I am having an incredibly difficult time overcoming my struggle. I am posting this because I know there are others out there afraid to say anything because their peers do not believe Phentermine can be addictive, and I know there are those who have sought medical help with treatment to stop prescription drug abuse but have been turned away because they aren't taking a "hard" enough substance. I want these people to know they are not alone. I also want anyone browsing the forum to see this can happen although it's not frequent and most Phen users are smart, cautious people who use their prescriptions correctly as a tool to help them reach goals that they may otherwise have trouble reaching. Mainly, I want to warn people that if they do not have the proper self control, especially those struggling with eating disorders, or with a history of drug abuse or addiction of any kind, do NOT abuse Phen and let this happen to you! You don't want to end up in my shoes- terrified, possibly causing severe and/or permanent damage to my health, hiding my drugs away and feeling like there's a secret part of me that my friends can't get close to, and that hurts because we've always trusted each other so much.

It started when I had gastric bypass surgery in 2003. (PLEASE do not judge weight loss surgery just by my experience alone, I'm in the minority and would not want to insult anyone who has had or is considering surgery, there are many positives and negatives to having WLS that must be researched and weighed by the individual, and there are many success stories out there... if I wasn't obsessed with my body image now, I've still maintained a loss good enough to consider me a "success" by my surgeon's standard.) I spent my entire life obese before surgery; the day of I weighed 285 and afterwards I got down to a low of 148 at 5'7" with a medium frame. I currently weigh 176. I have been yo-yoing like crazy for months. Any time the number on the scale gets close to 180 I panic and desperately feel I need to lose weight, you could call this an eating disorder of sorts I suppose though it would have to be ED-NOS. I do not have good eating habits though Lord knows I try. I've almost completely eliminated food binges from my life, and am trying to work on eliminating extra snacks or food lacking in nutritional value. My only exercise lately has been briskly walking 30 minutes to an hour as many days a week as possible because I have fibromyalgia and have yet to find a more challenging workout that won't leave me in horrific pain the next day. I would like to get down between 155 and 165 and maintain there. I have no desire to become skeletally thin. I do not want to destroy my body but I know I am most likely causing permanent damage as we speak. I should be sleeping, I have class to be awake for in 3 hours... I most likely will not get any sleep tonight.

I hate to discuss this but it may also be incredibly relevant. For a few months in early 2005 I was using major amounts of cocaine. I quit successfully on my own without medical rehab/supervision, and have not used it in almost a full year now at the end of June. I think the impact it left behind on my system may be one of the reasons I abuse Phentermine, because it has some similar stimulant properties, and I have a feeling some of the tolerance I built up to cocaine and methamphetamine did not go completely away, making average dosages of Phentermine seem ineffective. During that same time I also developed a habit of popping painkillers when I didn't really need them, which I also broke myself of on my own. I currently take painkillers, sleeping pills, and anti-anxiety medications exactly as prescribed without ever abusing them. But Phentermine I find myself popping compulsively. I do this in binges for about a week, then quit for a few weeks or longer. I started out with 37.5 mg once a day, split in half, and it did absolutely nothing for me... even with following exercise routines, healthy diet, tons of water, taking vitamins, etc. I stepped it up to 1 1/2 (56.25mg) to 2 (75mg). Now I find myself taking 2 1/2 to 3 pills in a day. That's an extremely dangerous and high dosage of around 113mg. 75mg to 90mg are the highest amounts I've ever seen prescribed by a doctor, however I do not believe that makes those high of dosages safe either. I have read accounts of people taking up to 10 or 15 pills a day- these people are taking between 150mg and 562.5mg. I know the human body can build tolerances, but part of me still can't believe that even taking 500mg once would not be fatal. I'm fairly certain 2 pills would be effective for me, although still a high dosage it's one that several people are prescribed. It's not that I want to keep taking more as the day progresses, but almost feel that I need to and cannot stop myself.

I know that my addiction is psychological because after sleeping I can wake up and resist the urge to take the pills on a new day... it's just once I've started for the day I find myself taking more and more, I usually break them into tiny pieces to spread them out longer. I feel completely out of control. I wish I had a live-in friend who supported me and could monitor me so that I could continue to take Phentermine at the correct dosage only, but no one knows except a few online friends and now you all. I don't know how to explain that I know it's stupid and I'm not doing it for some kind of high or increased effectiveness, I'm just overcome with cravings as the earlier dosage starts to wear off. I catch even more heat than your average drug abuser because I run into "you took the easy way out and had surgery you're not supposed to gain weight, you should just be grateful you're not morbidly obese anymore" attitudes. I disagree, surgery is by no means an easy way out, however I do agree that I should be very happy with my loss. Just because I should doesn't mean I can, it's so hard. I seem to have lost the ability to separate size from worth. I've noticed people talk to me now that never did before, people hold open doors, they don't watch me eat, their kids don't make fun of me... I was the same person on the inside back then. I've found myself becoming a shallow and obsessive person.

I also do not believe it is physically addicting because I never stay on it more than a few days, a week tops. Whatever day I decide to quit, I simply don't take any... I don't notice major withdrawal symptoms, only increased appetite and feeling more tired than usual for a couple of days. The only side effects I experience are higher blood pressure (though it never gets incredibly high, usually still within "normal" ranges just higher than my usual, and it goes back down to normal within a day after I stop taking Phen), increased insomnia (I have chronic insomnia anyway but usually medication allows me to sleep, not right now), and some jitteriness occasionally. Emotionally I find myself feeling more antisocial, anxious, or depressed as the "binge" goes on, which is usually what causes me to stop using it. The first couple of days are always fantastic though because I can concentrate so much more easily on my work and I feel so hopeful about shedding the vanity pounds that make or break my self esteem. Watching the scale move down and fitting into smaller clothes make me happy, and I seem doomed to never be able to do it all by myself, without some physical tool helping me stay on track. I ordered my pills online so I have no doctor to discuss this with... part of me does not trust my family physician or psychiatrist because I was honest with them about my former drug abuse, and as a result I have been denied some prescriptions that would be extremely beneficial to my fibromyalgia symptoms, such as lower grade narcotic pain relievers. I've taken everything else they've suggested over the counter and go to physical therapy, but there are some days the fibro is so bad I can't function properly, and I know just having a few Darvocets or Vicodins in the cabinet for emergencies would be so helpful. Anyway, off topic. I did call a couple of different pharmacists with lists of all my medications and supplements and they reported no known interactions.

Ideally I would like to not quit Phentermine altogether, but find a way to deal with my psychological dependency and compulsions and only take the correct dosage. If I cannot do that, I fully intend to stop using it period, but I will need some support. I want to be healthier. I know I can exhibit strong will power, but it's just not working with this, I feel weak and ashamed. I just feel very alone in this battle. If it weren't for the fact that it works wonders in helping me with energy and losing weight I would've flushed them long ago. When this bottle is gone I'm pretty poor right now so that should be the end. I'm not sure what to do. I am not in the stage that I want to quit badly enough, and I know I need to want it if I am to succeed. I was wondering if anyone knows of any online support groups about addiction and recovery, possibly eating disorder specific or prescription drug specific, where I may be able to find peers who've struggled through similar situations, find advice? If anyone here has had issues with taking too high of dosages when you don't want to, or you fear you're growing addicted to it, I'd love to chat with you. Like I said I very strongly fear being honest with my doctors about this because I'm already monitored closely for every script I take... I am never allowed refills but must call and request them each time... if I stop taking a medication because it isn't working, they require me to bring in the unused portions and count them before writing different scripts, etc. It makes me mad because typically I am not a bad person, I just seem to have a problem with this one thing. Even if you've never felt compelled to up your dosage of medication or take it at inappropriate times (the reason I can't sleep tonight is I took half a pill around 6 PM), perhaps you've experienced other addictions (food, cigarettes, overspending) so you can understand the horrible way it makes you feel. I appreciate any insights but once again please be honest but kind, or at the very least not rude. I am a real human being with feelings just like the rest of you, and I know no one is perfect. I came here for help- to get help and to give it by getting this example out there for people who haven't yet seen this possibility. I only put myself out here like this in hopes of hearing different types of advice for cutting back my usage and staying on the correct path, or so that I can be of help to anyone else suffering from this problem. If anyone would like to talk privately feel free to send me a message, write me, or give me your E-mail address and I will contact you. I apologize this is so long. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read it. I'm really hoping to get some replies.

I'm concluding with some key words I searched for, but had trouble finding posts similar to my own, sorry if they are repeated from above: addiction, addictive, addict, Phentermine Phen abuse, cocaine, stimulants, taking too much, 2 3 4 5 pills a day, daily, overdose, dosage, dose, maximum dosage, pill popping, eating disorders, anorexia, bulimia, negative experience, anxiety, depression, need help, help quitting stopping, previous drug abuse history, health risks, insomnia, embarrassed, scared, unable to stop, no doctor, afraid, more than prescribed, low dosage doesn't work, too high dose, unable to sleep, starving, not eating, you shouldn't take if, don't double triple up, high tolerance, desperate, binging, binges.

[Jipi]

Welcome and thank you for sharing

[KayBee]

I am sorry that you are having such a struggle in your life. In my experience with phentermine I found that the effectiveness wears off after about 12 weeks as far as appetite control and that "focused" feeling. It did help with the cravings the whole time I was losing weight.

Since you are having difficulty controling your use, I think it would be a good idea for you to stay off of the phentermine for good. I have never known of someone being prescribed more that 37.5 mgs. I believe your addition is definitely psychological because phen just doesn't work for the long-term. You are definitely harming your body by taking so much. I think the larger issue for you is your psychological struggle with your weight and how it ties in with your self-esteem. This is a VERY common issue here at the forum and with just about everyone who has struggled with their weight their whole life.

I don't really know what the answer is but I think if I was in the same situation I would seek out counseling to help deal with some of the psychological issues to try to make some permanent changes in the way you look at your self and you life. Losing weight and maintaining weight loss is about living a healthy life forever.

When I first starting losing weight (I went from 215 to 150 from April 2002- April 2003) I had to keep saying to myself "It isn't about FAST, it is about FOREVER" So many of us want quick fix and feel bad about ourselves when we aren't able to accomplish it. Good luck as you move forward.

[NJRagdoll]

Sweetly, first of all I have to tell you how incredibly BRAVE it is of you to post what you posted. And I want to give you a *BIG HUG*, because you've taken a big step - the most important step - in admitting that you have a problem.

I worked for a number of years in a Psych hospital and rehab, and I have been around recovery programs in various capacities also for a number of years.

First, only YOU can determine that you have an addiction. That being said...

You have described a very "classic" substance addiction. Being powerless to stop, it's not about getting high anymore, it's just taking the drug because you HAVE to, the self loathing, the promises you truly truly DO intend to keep but dont, and the other mental cartwheels that addicts put themselves through.

You are not alone!

It doesn't matter if your addiction is "physical" or "mental" at this point, you're addicted. You have subsituted one drug for another - food, cocaine, Phen, painkillers - you bounce from one to the other. It may not be an "immediate" bounce, like from one day to the next, but eventually the need is there to ingest something that will make "it" go away. And it does for a while, but it gets harder and harder, thus the increased quantities.

This is a key point, so I'm going to Bold it - when you have an addiction, it's not WHAT you do/drink/eat, or HOW MUCH you do/drink/eat, it's how it makes you FEEL or BEHAVE afterwards. If it's all out of control.

You can drink once a week, and still be an alcoholic.

You can do a drug once a week and your life be out of control.

Same principle with any other substance.

I am so sorry that you have been turned away by the medical persons that you have spoken to, but there ARE knowledgable people out there that will help you.

If you have medical insurance, it will be easier to get help - I hate to say it, but it's true. Try getting in touch with some treatment centers that deal with addiction - they may be more receptive...unfortunately, then again, with the way our insurance industry is today, they may not. Just two days ago my girlfriend's husband was turned away from a place because he's not doing ENOUGH heroin at the moment for chrissakes. *shakes head*.

But then again, I had a friend Michael who DID go away to rehab due to an addiction to vicadin. He too was ordering online, and was up to like 30 of the damn things a day, and no one knew.

Either way, there is a bottom line here. If you really want the help, you will find it. If no treatment centers will help you, then you can go to Narcotics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, and/or Overeaters Anonymous meetings. Their doors are ALWAYS open, and they wont turn ANYONE away. And the love and acceptance you will find there will blow your mind! And you may also feel a sense of huge relief that the folks there TRULY understand, because they have all been where you are right now. And they GET it.

I had a friend years ago who was doing coke, (and not really a lot by typical "addict" standards), and one day just picked up the phone and called the NA hotline. That afternoon she met this other girl who took her to her first meeting. She never did go to rehab, she just dove into the Program and did what they told her to do. It's been about 20 years, and she's still sober!

I'm suggesting AA as well as NA or OA because in many areas, there are not a lot of NA/OA meetings, and the three programs are quite interchangeable anyway. A drug is a drug is a drug. And MOST of the people in AA have issues with drugs too. You may get one or two grizzled old timers who are "purists", but everyone ignores them anyway.

Going to a meeting does not mean you have to make instant changes, or let go of your drugs RIGHT THIS SECOND - I know that thought is immensely terrifying. All you need to attend is a WILLINGNESS to stop. Be open minded, and IDENTIFY and not COMPARE. Pray for help and strength and if you are really ready, your Higher Power WILL guide you.

Private therapy with a drug/alcohol counselor would be a good thing to look into also - someone who also specialized in food addictions too. Again, easier if you have insurance. But any counselor you go to that's worth their salt is going to tell you to go to meetings also anyway. One does not deal with addiction on a once-a-week outpatient basis alone. And "kicking the habit" on one's own alone doesn't work in the long run either.

This is a VERY serious disease, and it's a progressive disease. It may take a while to catch up with you, but every addiction that goes untreated results in jail, institution, or death. You are not a bad person, nor are you a weak person! You just have this issue. Whatever! Look, everyone has their demons, and some are just more visible and obvious than others. And some are more deadly. Every person on this board has issues, or we wouldn't be here. If your issue is drug addiction, you can either choose to take it by the horns, or let it ruin your life. It's really that simple.

My wonderful friend Michael, the one who was addicted to Vicadin? Well, he was active in the Program for just over 2 years, and sober, and then stopped going to meetings for various "reasons", and ended up dead alone in a hotel room last January. He was separated from his wife, and no one knows if it was an accidental overdose, or suicide. He went to the ER for stomach pains, and they prescribed him something that "gave him a heart attack". He either knew what it was they gave him and went to get it on purpose to get high again and it killed him, or maybe he didn't know and it happened accidently. I miss him dreadfully. And I'm going to kick his a s s when I catch up with him in heaven, cause if he was going to meetings and active in the program, he wouldn't have been alone that night. All he had to do was reach out.

So what I'm trying to tell you is you don't have to wait until you feel worse about your life, and you don't have to wait until you're doing "enough" sh*t to satisfy someone else's idea of what qualifies you for needing help. This insanity can stop. You CAN have a wonderful and fufilling life without the drugs.

But you really have to be READY. You may not be! You may not be in enough pain yet. You may not be uncomfortable enough yet to make changes. Let's face it - no one makes any change in any area of life until it becomes too uncomfortable NOT to make the change! If you're not ready yet, that's okay too, the Program will be there for you when you are.

This part is the hardest part. The first steps are the toughest. I believe there is a part of you inside that knows exactly what you need to do, and is calling out to you, otherwise you wouldn't have posted! Listen to that little voice, it knows!

I have to put my little "disclaimer" here that everything I posted may not even apply to you. I cannot tell you that you have a problem, I cannot tell you if going to meetings and working the program is what you should do. I can't tell you that you are an addict. Only YOU can determine what you need to do! I don't want you to feel like I'm TELLING you! I just wanted to share and give you the benefit of my knowledge in this area in that it may help you to choose the best path for you.

I CAN tell you that, based upon what you shared, that I think meetings would be a huge help, and give you a great sense of peace. I think that you can find answers and new coping skills, and a renewed hope, not to mention a kick-a s s instant social life.

PLEASE keep us all posted, and let us know how things go for you! Feel free to PM me - I tentd to not check the PM's too regularly, but I do check them, and I would be happy to help.

You are a strong, resourceful, wonderful person with inner fortitude and a big heart. If no one told you that they love you today, I do, and God does too. *HUG*

[akalmh]

Hi sweetly, this was very brave of you to post this. I do understand what your going through. Your story sounds very similar to my history.
I can only relate my own experience as to why I did what I did and what I was searching for.
I believe I was trying to find a feeling, one that I didn't have without the drugs. I hated the way I felt without the drugs.
I took a number of tests last year and it was confirmed that I have suffered from depression and have severe ADHD that was never treated. Untreated ADHD from what I was told can manifest in addiction
I have been off drugs for years except for ritalin last year and phen now.
Since I have been taking the phen I have finally found the feeling I have been searching for all my life. I just love the way it makes me feel...focused, alert, happy. I am taking the prescribed amount by the way.
I spoke to my Dr about it and he said that when I stop taking the phen he'll put me on adderall, because it has two similar components to the phen and I should feel just as good as I do now taking the phen.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, be honest with your Dr's and take some extensive tests because you may have some untreated disorder like I did that makes you feel the need to pop all the pills. Once I got the right help the addictions diminished.
While going to meeting is helpful to be with people who share the same experience, first you need to know just what your dealing with.
I have no desire to pop any pills like I used to. I feel great and am losing weight and this site has helped, there are some really wonderful people here. Maybe this is my new addiction....LOL
I hope this helped you and I wish you the best. Feel free to Pm me if you want to.

[NJRagdoll]

akalmh, I'm glad you posted - I had forgotten about how untreated stuff like ADHD can manifest in addiction. That is so true, and yes, your situation is an example of how when the initial problem is addressed, the "side effect" problems will fade.

That's what's so great about boards like this, you can get different perspectives from different people and hopefully something that one of us says will help!

[nickdsgrl6281]

Sent you a PM, please read and thank you very much for sharing all this.

[akalmh]

originally posted by NJRagdoll
_________________________________________________
That's what's so great about boards like this, you can get different perspectives from different people and hopefully something that one of us says will help! __________________________________________________ _

Well said!

[chubbyone]

Thank you for sharing. Truly an inspiration for others to share their own deep thoughts.

Anytime you need an ear, I am available for listening!

We are all here for support and not to be judged.

Stay strong.

[crbr0905]

Hello,

I have read sweetlynumb's post and God bless you for sharing. You have no idea how many people have read that and how many people you have encouraged to make them stop and realize that they too need help. I am new to this board and have only posted once. I am not on Phen, I am in the proccess fo seeking treatment for ADHD with Adderall. Anywho, I just wanted to send you letter of encouragement and not judgement. Just remember, as you have wrote befoere that you have kicked a few habits. You have the will in you to kick this one. I do believe that you can take this drug at the dose prescibed to you. I will pray for you that you find a doctor or someone that you can reach out to and seek the help that you need! God bless.

[sweetlynumb]

Another long one. In general I just want to thank this entire community for their positive attitudes, kind words and wishes, advice, prayers, honesty, and support. I really did not expect such a warm welcome and it really does help to know people care, and I hope that my post may someday help someone else who's searching through the keywords of the forum like I was. I hope they see what wonderful people are here to support them and feel safe opening up if they need help too. Now I'd like to take a moment to respond to individuals:

Jipi ~ Thank you. Thank YOU for listening.

KayBee ~ Thank you for your insight and for wishing me luck, I appreciate your kindness and I agree that there are psychological issues that need to be addressed before other issues can be resolved. I've had a very rough year+ and I'm comfortable enough with my new doctors to keep going to them, but don't fully trust them yet. I wish I could afford a separate counselor just to work on my body image and self esteem issues. Struggling with my weight my whole life wasn't the hard part, it was suddenly losing almost half of my body, seeing how skinny I could be, and then gaining some back that has really bothered me. When I was a size 28, I never thought a 16 wouldn't be good enough, I dreamt of it every night, and yet after I'd worn a 10 or 12 for a year, suddenly it was different. I have a constant fear of gaining back all of my weight and having gone through gastric bypass for nothing. I have an incredibly hard time sticking to my post-op diet guidelines because I don't get sick like others do when I eat "no no's", I can still eat large portions sometimes, and the worst part is that I am ALWAYS hungry because my stomach constantly is empty, the minute I eat food falls right out... I went back to my surgeon for an upper GI X-ray but he said everything was fine, and I can't really afford yet another specialist right now. As far as exercise, I made a very serious effort to get into a vigorous routine, but was crippled by pain, only to find out a few months later than I have fibromyalgia and I'll have to cope with this pain forever. Now I'm trying to find some forms of exercise I can do that will strengthen my muscles, improve my heart health, and help me burn calories, without causing my joints to swell or my muscles to ache so bad I can't walk. That was probably a little more than you needed as a response, but I sincerely thank you for listening.

NJRagdoll ~ Thank you very much for your support and insights into addiction. I especially appreciate your open-mindedness and nonjudgmental, positive attitude. You pointed out some very serious truths without being condescending and I thank you for that. It was good for me to hear them. Thank you also for suggesting NA, AA, etc. I may try to find out if there's a local chapter. I avoid treatment/rehab centers/inpatient therapy not only because of the cost, but because of the distrust I have for doctors. Sometimes I feel like the less they know about some things, the less likely it's going to come back and smack me in the face someday. After I admitted my cocaine use to my therapist, I had to spend an entire day filling out forms saying exactly who could and could not be informed... all of my other doctors within the system were instantly told whether I wanted them to know or not, but luckily the information was not passed on to my school, where it could have ruined my chances at getting my degree, and at finding a job. Confidentiality is a tricky thing. If I had been using cocaine when I told them about it that'd be one thing, because the responsible thing for them to do would be to get me into some sort of treatment program, but I had been clean over 6 months on my own at that point; June 26th will be my one year anniversary of quitting cocaine and methamphetamine. I have never personally been turned away, although I have been refused prescriptions based on my history despite the positive difference said medications could have on my life, and my willingness to be closely monitored. I have been denied painkillers to treat my worst fibromyalgia flare ups, and I have been denied medications for ADD/concentration difficulties since they're stimulants. I now feel I probably do not have ADD (it's still possible based on my childhood history, impulsivity, etc.) but rather the cognitive difficulties, memory issues, concentration problems, etc. could all be related to the fibromyalgia, other sufferers call it "fibro fog". Now that I know about it and have heard their stories it's not so scary. I did have a friend who was addicted to prescription painkillers and xanax for many years... she drove herself to rehab, took her last handful of pills and walked in... and they told her to turn right back around and leave because they didn't treat people unless they had a "more serious" drug problem like heroin. She finally decided enough was enough and went through a rough month of detox in her own home. It makes me angry that sometimes people really need help and yet are denied. She should've been monitored during that time because suddenly NOT having a drug in one's system can cause just as many problems as suddenly putting one in. Anyway, thank you again for all of your input and reminding me of God's love. I thank Him for your help.

akalmh ~ Thanks for the input; I've had a rough history with doctors. I've been actively seeking treatment for depression, insomnia, and anxiety since last fall. Most of my conditions have worsened or stayed the same rather than improved, and new conditions have presented. I was tested for ADD and the results were inconclusive because my attention scores fell in the normal range but my memory and intelligence scores were very high, so there was a discrepancy but they didn't know if ADD was the cause, or if anxiety/depression were causing my difficulties with concentration. I have just recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and have found out that all of the symptoms I've been trying to fix separately are all related, and difficulties with memory and concentration are included in the package. I agree that getting the right diagnosis and treatment for underlying conditions can make a huge difference, and yet some of my symptoms are still not being managed effectively. It's so frustrating to keep throwing my money away and not feel like I'm any closer to improving my quality of life. Everyone's kindness here is encouraging me to discuss my body image issues with my therapist, although I am not sure I'm ready to tell her about the phentermine yet. I'm currently taking it and I know that I need to let this binge run it's course, or I will think of nothing else but the phentermine and my weight. As soon as I'm ready to quit again, which should be only a few days, I think I am going to flush my remaining pills down the toliet, or if I decide I may want to give it a shot in the future, I will give them to my best friend to guard from me. Thank you for sharing your experience with me, I am glad for you that you're receiving good treatment and living a happier, healthier life. You inspire me to strive for the same.

Chubbyone ~ Thank you for offering to listen, I deeply appreciate it, and thank you for your encouragement. I can't really express how grateful I am that everyone on this forum has been so supportive and positive; this is not the first time I've felt the need to confess an unpleasant truth on an online message board, and the last time I was flooded with hate mail. However I felt relieved having said my piece, and knowing that maybe someone else out there who couldn't speak up had a voice through me. I hope this time the same is true; I know there are others out there and I want them to know they're not alone, and I'm so glad everyone's been so kind to me because I think that encourages others to be more open in the future.

crbr0905 ~ Thank you so much. I feel like I have helped myself start the recovery process, and if I've even slightly helped even one other person then it's worth it to put myself out there like this. I am truly thankful that everyone has been so supportive here. Thank you so much for your prayers; I know God gives me strength through the kindness of people like you.

[NJRagdoll]

Sweetly my dear, can I just tell you how well spoken (well written?) you are? You are able to express yourself so beautifully; I really do admire that.

I think it is so wonderful that you have such an open mind regarding seeking treatment. My mom has some things going on, and they really can't seem to pinpoint the cause, and she is very closed off to exploring different avenues that might be helpful.

I can't believe those doctors just shared your private medical information with each other! Is that the norm? Gosh, it doesn't seem right... How frustrating. I am indignant FOR you! As far as pain management, you could always go to a new doc for that and just not say anything about your past, it's not exactly the most honest thing, but there is not much else that is tougher to deal with than chronic pain. It s u c k s the lifeblood out of you!

Hey, is swimming an option for you in terms of exercise? Since the water supports the body, and all the pressure is off your joints and stuff, would that be something that could work for you? Many YMCA's have pools, and they may not be super expensive, might be worth checking out.

Well now that we know you, you'll have to stick around and don't be a stranger!

[sweetlynumb]

NJRagdoll ~ Thank you very much for the compliment. I've always been pretty good at writing/reading/oral communication, just don't ask me to do geometry lol. The only down side is that my comments are always a mile long hehe.

I can somewhat understand being closed off to seeking treatment, because it has definitely been a long, frustrating, expensive process for me to keep adding new doctors and new medications and trying new things that don't work... (I actually have had 2 very severe adverse reactions to medications that almost landed me in the psych ward, and I quit going to class for 2 weeks) but I figure I can sit around and let my problems take over, or I can at least keep trying and hold out hope to at least improve things a little, day by day.

I believe the reason they shared the information is because they are all part of the same health care clinic, just with different specialties, and the information is put in my file on their database so when another doc looks at that same chart it's there... everything's electronic these days, although I still have paper charts at most of the offices I go to as well. I can understand that they do this so that they have more complete histories on patients, but it still upset me... mainly because at the time I was trying to get my school to give me some special accommodations (which of course they wouldn't because apparently severe anxiety doesn't count as a *real* disability... ugh) and I had to sign consent forms for the school's disability coordinator to speak with my doctors... well rather than just give them full permission to talk I had to keep getting everything the school wanted in writing and taking it to them myself. When I went to a neurologist to be tested for ADD one of the first things she wrote on my summary was that I'd used drugs in the past, so there was no taking that to the school to see if ADD would be good enough for them to actually help me. I ended up failing like 2 or 3 classes when I'm typically a straight A or B student. Now I can't decide if I want to go ahead and graduate this summer so I'll at least have a degree (Liberal Arts) or if I want to try to go again in the fall... don't know if I can handle it and don't want to waste time and money killing my GPA if I can't... but at the same time I have no idea what kind of job I can get with such a nonspecific degree, and I lose my health insurance through my Mom when I leave school. Tough choices. And not a lot of time to make them, I need to either apply for financial aid and change my fall registration by July 1st, or apply for loan consolidation before July 1st because rates go up then.

I took my last prescription painkiller (there was a 10 day supply that I stretched out over 2 months, only taking it when I really, really needed it) last night... haven't been able to sleep well because of the phentermine, and lack of sleep makes my fibromyalgia flare up. Of course it's a weekend so I don't even know if I can call an on-call doctor and get them to prescribe something or not. I have a rheumatologist now but she's all about just taking a LOT of Advil or Aleve... except since I've had gastric bypass I worry especially about the damage NSAIDs do to the stomach, mine's so little and ulcer could do some serious damage. I know the meds with acetaminophen in them are bad on the liver, but at least I have a full one of those to start with. My Mom had a horrible, large bleeding ulcer a few years back from medication... she was so sick and in so much pain and stuck in the hospital for almost a week. I wish anti-inflammatory meds weren't so rough on the tummy.

Finding access to a pool is difficult; I can't afford a gym membership, but I'm looking into seeing if I could get one of my doctors to "prescribe" water aerobics as physical therapy, and then my insurance might allow me to go to a pool in a medical center, and I'd only have to pay 20% of the cost. I would really love that actually, I used to be like a fish when I was little lol. Since I've gotten older I avoid swimming because I hate being seen in a bathing suit, but I don't think it'd be too bad if I was just doing water aerobics with other sore people, especially sweet little old ladies.

[NJRagdoll]

Wow, that "to degree, or not to degree" is a tough call! As far as jobs though, there were a a good handfull of instances in my life where I've gotten turned down for a job, transfer, or promotion ONLY because I didn't have a degree. ANY degree! Didn't matter WHAT it was in! So in that light, maybe it wouldn't be as tough as you think to find a position. BUT, from now to July 1 may not be enough time to really job seek, either... like I said. Tough call. Well, which ever way you choose will be the way you are supposed to go.

Does the rheumatologist know about the bypass? All that stuff IS rough on your tummy. You can't win for losing! Something will give soon, it will. Hang in there.

[sweetlynumb]

NJRagdoll ~ I've been doing some research into what types of jobs I can get with my degree, and it seems a lot of industries may hire me for more universal reasons than specific education- I have good communication skills, computer literacy, organizational skills, interpersonal and teamwork skills, etc. ::fingers crossed::

And yep my rheumatologist knows, but maybe she doesn't fully understand the implications since the stomach isn't her specialty. I'm in need of something stronger or more effective than over the counter painkillers for my really bad flare ups... last night I hurt so bad I could barely move, luckily I didn't have anything I had to get done immediately, but other days I need to be able to get out and go regardless of whether my body wants to hurt more or less that day. I'm going to call her and ask about prescribing something tomorrow and I'll remind her that my stomach is especially sensitive.

[Mom2Jack]

Sweetly.. It definitely takes a lot to do what you did by sharing your story, and it inspired me.. I searched for addiction in the forums and didn't find a thing until I saw your post.. Not many people know this about me, because I was so embarrassed, I always said that I would never do drugs.. but I did, and no one thinks that just one time will get them hooked, but it can.. I had a serious cocaine problem for a year or a little more.. I also dabbled in methampetamines. I never did want to smoke marijuana, or drink, it was just the speed. When I met Gary my life changed, I had something to look forward to everyday..Not that I did the drugs because I was depressed..it was the drugs that made me depressed, but I just could not stop.. I would actually get sick if I didn't. When I met Gary I can truly say he saved my life. I wanted to change for him, he had no idea, but eventually I think he caught on.. I wanted to stop so badly for him, that I dealt with the vomiting and shaking for about 2 weeks..and I haven't touched a thing since. It's been 3 years..just talking about it I almost crave it I guess, It's definitely gotten better with time though. Now, taking the Phen I get almost the same kinda feeling, but I've only been taking 1/2 of a 37.5 2 times a day. I had never heard of someone being addicted until I took it, then I thought to myself, anyone who has ever been addicted to any kind of speed or upper would definitely get hooked on this.. I have faith in myself, plus I have too much to lose if I let myself slip into something like that. I'm so excited about dropping the weight! Most of my weight gain came from stopping the cocaine, and starting to eat again probably.. After I quit I gained almost 70 lbs within a year.. then came the pregnancy about a year and a half later (sometime around then) so I have a long way to go to 145..145 would be great, but about 130 and I would be ecstatic!! I guess I originally did the cocaine, because it was almost like a glamourous drug.. I guess it's the most high class drug..if there is such a thing as a high class one, you know the rich and famous's drug of choice, and I knew it would make me lose weight.. silly I know considering I could probably have just went to the Doc and got something..but anyways I was definitely gullible, and naive back then.. Anyways, you know the story, everyone was doing it and said they felt great blah blah blah, I don't know why exactly it was that I went along with it.. I never was a follower, but I guess everyone has a dirty little secret.. this one being mine.. To this day I'm still so ashamed.. if my family knew, (which I think my mom kind of knew back then, and I think she was probably just about to take some action when I stopped)I would be so upset since I've always been a pretty good person, and they all talk about how wonderful I was as a teenager.. and everything.. it would hurt them to know the truth. So.. instead of going on and on..which I could forever.. (I'm such a talker..) I'll just say this, if I have to, I'll take my Phen when I'm supposed to, the amount I'm supposed to..and then have Gary take it, and hide it!! I don't think that I could let myself do anything stupid by taking too much, or becoming dependant on it, but you never know, I never thought that I would be the kinda person to do such a hard drug.. Right now though, I'm not at that point, but it has only been 2 or 3 days.. but if it gets to that point..if I even think about it.. Hopefully I'm a strong enough person to think about it, and realize that I can't do that!! I already told him last night, that I had read this post, and that someone had became addicted to it, and he told me pretty much that if he found out I took more than I was supposed to that he was taking it away! (what a nice guy huh?) But I am glad I have someone that cares about me enough to make sure that I live a long and healthy life! So, I'm really ending this now.. Good Luck to everyone that has had any problems.. you just have to set your thinking to make your mind stronger than you are. And hopefully I'll be shedding the pounds like all of you are here in just a few weeks! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE SOME RESULTS!!

[sweetlynumb]

Mom2Jack ~ I'll try to send this in a PM to you also just to make sure you see it... I just wanted to congratulate you on your sobriety from coke and meth; today is actually my one year anniversary of quitting them... I had actually been off it for a day or a few days, I can't remember, just remember the 26th I admitted my problem to my mother and closest friends, and apologized for the pain my addiction may have caused, and vowed to do my best to stay clean. Part of me feels like phentermine ruins my count, but I've decided to count it seperately. I am so glad that you have someone special in your life who's there to help you, but I also want you to take a little credit, even with Gary's help YOU were the one who quit doing cocaine and that takes a LOT. Instead of feeling total shame, I hope you feel a little proud of yourself for being able to quit, many people have struggled with drug abuse and have not won the battle... of course the battle never completely ends, I think you know what I mean. Once you've done something like coke you can count days and years sober, but the experience is always with you. Also falling into drug use does not in anyway make you a bad person, just a human being capable of mistakes like anyone else. A lot of otherwise wonderful people have made the same mistake. Remember the strength you had to quit while you're taking phentermine, and if you ever even get the slightest urge to abuse it don't be afraid to tell anyone this time. Asking for help only makes you stronger for recognizing the possibility, not weak for not being able to do it alone. There are people here who will listen, and you've got Gary. You may want to let him hang onto it anyway, just to show your trust in one another, and to help you stay strong. I wish you the very best of luck and hope you get the results you want! Just don't forget that your health is most important, not just the number on the scale. Thank you very much for being brave enough to share this story with me and anyone else who might happen along this post. It helps to know we're not alone and that others have gone through the same problems.

[Sundee333]

Forgive me if this was already said, but I didnt read the responses just the OP.

I will be 30 years old in a few months, since the day I turned 14 I was on any drug I could get my hands on. I didn't have weight issues, at 5'10" and 110 pounds that was the last of my worries. However, I had a terrible childhood. I wont even begin to get into the things that happened.

At 14 I rebelled and was basically killing myself. At age 17 I was addicted to Meth. Age 18 I got pregnant and quit everything. Age 19 I was back on meth. Age 21 quit everything. Age 24 got pregnant. Age 27 started doing coke, heavily, on a regular basis. Age 28 quit everything and have been sober from drugs since.

I can relate in a way to what you are saying. However, (and please please do not take this as something negative) all I could think of when I was reading your story is that, you seem to have a lot of excuses for your behavior. I am the MASTER at excuses! I know them well. I have my own personal opinions of fibromyalgia and will not bring that up. However, you mentioned that having some pain pills on hand would be helpful. I do not see how this could be helpful to you in any way!

You do not want to talk to your Phych or dr because you are afraid they will not allow you to have your pills. This is self destructive. If you do not like/trust the Drs you have, find new ones.

You have a pattern. You have been sober from other drugs for a while, but you still take other pills and large amounts of Phen. You are not sober. You are still an addict and will forever be an addict, just a recovering/recovered addict. Nothing will change that. The choices you make on a daily basis are the only things that can change you. You can either be recovering/recovered or you can be an addict. Right now you are an addict. If you are not taking your medications as prescribed, you are abusing them, that is what addicts do.

I do not have any suggestions for you except one...

Go to your bathroom.... look at yourself in the mirror..... REALLY look at yourself...

Do you know who you are looking at? Are you happy with that person?

Only you can change things. Don't waste one more day. You know as well as I do that your family, friends, work, people on the street... know nothing. Your day is filled with regret. Your life is a big secret.... a lie.

I hope you find the strength to get yourself help either from yourself or from some professionals.

Much love,
S.

[Kpage]

I just wanted to tell all of you who have shared your stories, Thank You and that you are amazing women. So brave of you to type up and re-live these stories to help out someone who you have yet to meet!!!
I have not experienced my own addiction to any form of drug, prescription or not, but I def have faced challenges, and the one thing I took away from my own experiences was that sweeping your feelings or problems under the rug will get you no where. The fact that you were able to sit down and write out all of your thoughts, to me, means that you have really thought long and hard about your situation and that you are so close to turning the corner from talking about your problems and doing something about them...Follow through..You are worth it!
Talk to your friends and family and Dr's about what you are going through. When you are truthful about who you are and what you are currently facing, you can't continue to hide. Plus telling those who you love will allow them to show you how much you are loved by them!
Years ago, a few friends of mine got into heiroin pretty badly, and they decided to go about their addictions in different ways. One person told his family, only when his car was impounded and he was taken to jail on drug charges- the family kept it a secret even from his brother. They were involved with the town, Dad a cop, Mom worked for the county, and did not want to face the embarassment of thier story possibly getting out, so they just did what they could at home (curfew, car restriction, no money) My friend just got sneakier. Maybe they did not know where to go for help, or maybe they never knew how bad it was, but sadly he passed away 3 years ago, at home bc of an overdose. He was able to bring drugs into the house and even had enough privacy to get high and no one knew!! I think that he was lost, if you cannot talk to your own family, those who love you no matter what, then who could he go to?
Another of these friends was from a very close knit family, and they knew something was going on even b4 he even said anything. They found the best in-patient rehab that money could buy, the prices didn't matter to them, especially since this was their sons life they were dealing with. They were honest with family and felt that even grandparents, aunts, uncles, should know, one for support and two so that everyone was aware and would hold their son accountable no matter what lies he tried to tell. After 30 days in rehab and a few years of NA meetings, and a lot of support from family and friends, he is clean and still is to this day.
I know that everyone is different and that one person can be stronger than another, but I believe that this person was able to make it through this dark time in his life bc he was honest, and those who loved him never judged, they just acted, and with their support, love and guidance he overcame this challenge.
My long point is...be honest with Dr's, family. friends, and I think that some people may surprise you in the way that they will support you and stick by your side, not only will you gain a support system, but you will no longer be able to hide behinnd secrets, and you may get the help that you need.
Thank you for reaching out. You are brave! Good luck to you. Please keep us posted.