[estrella218]

How are you guys dealing with the extra attention you get from losing weight? I mean in all regards...attention from the opposite sex, your spouse, your family, friends etc.

I am having a hard time dealing with the extra attention I'm getting especially from men and the reaction of other women. I have never liked being in the spotlight. I've always lacked confidence and been very shy. I even used to play sick from school if I had to make a presention in front of the class! I've shared a little of my past with you guys in previous posts but my experiences with men have not been very positive since childhood. I've never been the type that thrives off of mens attention or needs mens reactions. I've always felt my weight has been a sort of shield to distract attention from me because who wants to look at a "fat girl". Now that I've lost a little weight men are starting to ogle at me and it pi$$es me off they feel entitled to do it! There's such a lack of respect for women now at days. I get it from all ages too! The other night I was waitng for my fiance in the car at the gas station and this guy walks up and starts flirting with me! I tell him he better walk away because my fiance will be coming out in a second and he kept going until my fiance walked up behind him and scared the heck out of him! My fiance thought it was funny but it really upsets me when this happens. He calls these guys my "traveling fan club" because it happens all the time, everywhere we go. I'm glad he doesn't get upset about it cause it would make matters worse but I don't appreciate it.

Also, other woman's reactions to my weight loss aren't exactly great! Some of my closest friends are encouraging but some aren't anymore. My coworkers have been nothing but miserable towards me. They even went as far as starting a rumor that I was flirting with an electrician who was working in the building! Then had the nerve to ask me if it was true! It's just really hurtful because I'm a very friendly courteous person. I've never had trouble making or keeping friends and now all of a sudden, my friends are dropping like flies! Some haven't called in over a month!

Sorry this is so long but these are the things I'm having a hard time adjusting to. It's hard enough loosing the weight much less putting up with all these other things that come with it! Do any of you feel this way? It's almost like the mental change is harder than the pyhsical one. I wonder if time will make it better? Please help before I do something uncharacteristic and beat the heck out of some old guy on the corner who happens to take a second look at me!!!LOL!

[grjones]

Estrella, first of all, congrats on your loss so far! Way to go! Your pics are beautiful - I would love to see a before pic for comparison!

I understand what you are saying about men feeling entitled to ogle you. But, that being said, I can see why they would - you are gorgeous! That doesn't give them any right, and I can see why you would be uncomfortable with the unwanted attention. As for the women at your work - jealousy, pure and simple. Women can be so catty, especially when envy, that green-eyed monster rears its ugly head!

I really don't have any advise, but just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in what you are feeling. I am struggling with accepting the "new me" while still trying to stay true to who I really am. I don't want to be a different person just because I happen to weigh less than before.

[L J]

First off, I have to agree with Gail- you are absolutely beautiful!!! No wonder you get so much attention!

I know its difficult though, and I can somewhat understand where you are coming from. Gail is right, again, about the women that you work with- they are jealous- plain and simple.

I cannot even mention to the VERY few girl "friends" (I use that term loosely) that I am trying to lose weight. It always makes them act... weird. Seems like most women (that I know in REAL LIFE) do want to see other women suceed, because they feel that it takes some of the spotlight off of them.

To those people, to hell with them! Ignore them. They are petty and small minded and you really don't want to be friends with them anyway. Just hold your head up high when they walk by, continue to be cordial, and show them that you will not stoop to their level.

As far as attention from men goes... men are complete dogs. lol. For the most part, anyway. Its in their nature (so they say) to leer at us and I have always handled it by either (1) Ignoring them completely, or (2) Being a completely and total smart *** (if they try to rudely approach me).

I know this might sound foward, or even a little nuts, but you might benefit from seeing a therapist a few times. Third parties have a way of helping you to sort out your feelings about all kinds of changes. And, losing as much weight as you have is a really big change, and not something to be taken lightly. It makes perfect sense that you are having a hard time adjusting to it!

I hope I helped a little, and didn't just ramble too much...

[ June 09, 2005, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: L J ]

[L J]

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME TODAY??? lol

SORRY!

[L J]

OOPS... Double post

[estrella218]

Well, thanks but I don't feel "gorgeous". I never have, never will. I don't understand why now that I've lost a little weight all this attention is pouring in. Like I wasn't good enough before. It's just so superficial. I just want to tell them, "look I used to weigh 80 pounds more, would you have looked at me this way then?". You know? I'm probably too sensitive about it but it's something I need to work on.

You are probably right about the jeoulosy thing. I don't know...I'm just not like that so I don't understand how they could be so hateful! It's not like I've ever done anything to them! They used to be nice!

I guess we all have to deal with everything that comes along with "the new me". It's just an adjustment I wasn't expecting to have to make. It just thought I would loose weight and everything would be great but theres this whole mental battle going on all the time now.

By the way, you've done an amazing job! I really admire you and your dedication to your exercise. I wish I had the drive you have! I'll work on the before and more recent afters.

Thanks again for your reply!

[wannabe120]

Estrella, you should walk around proud and more confident because you're no longer the "fat girl" people dont want to look at but the "beautiful girl" who people cant keep there eyes off of, you've worked hard to lose your weight dont let jealous, insecure friends and co-workers make you feel like it was a mistake. This is the time for you to see who your true friends are, it really suc*s that some ended there friendship with you because you started looking better then them. So keep up the good work! LOL.. cute dog!

[estrella218]

LJ-

Thank you for your response! I know I need to just learn how to deal but it's something I've avoided my whole life! I deal with the attention from guys the same way as you! Either ignore it, or be as rude as I possibly can (to some it may not actually seem rude, but it's as rude as I get! LOL). Anyway, I appreciate your honesty. I guess it's something I'll have to look into if I can't get over it on my own. You'd think I'd love the attention but it's just not in me. I hate it! I used to hate when I was little and people used to say I was "adorable". I actually used to get pi$$ed so this isn't anything new for me.

Thanks again!

[babagrlshell]

Hey there. You know I kind of laugh because we all work so hard to get "beautiful" and then we get there and have to deal with a whole new set of insecurities that we have never imagined. We were all beautiful in our larger selves. Now we start to feel it in our new shapes and people comment.

Estrella. You are going to laugh and probably think something off when you read this. Here's some homework... You need to get a mirror. And look at yourself and say "I AM BEAUTIFUL. I DESERVE TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL. I AM CONFIDENT." Then write down 30 things you love about yourself. Physical or mental. Each statement must start with I am... or I love that I... (you get the point)
Then go get that mirror again. Read each statement to yourself three times and practice a smile. Feel comfortable with what you have just said before moving on.
Then practice your thank yous. With a gracious smile and a happy look.

Then practice your thank yous with the ok now get the hell outta here look for those people you don't want hitting on you. Its so ironic being so shy all these years and then having to learn a whole new set of "social skills"... All you have to say is "thank you" and a FIRM "I have a fiance (but you don't want to make this sound like this is the major reason you are declining a conversation), and I AM NOT INTERESTED (as the main reason). But, thank you for your comment." Then turn away- if they start to keep talking, you have to just say thank you, but as I just said, I AM NOT INTERESTED (and/or I must go now). It is a polite way of declining any further conversation without being a rude b*tch- you can be firm without being rude or a b*tch.
And if they still try to make a conversation just get rude. Say look a**hole. You seem like the type not to like large women, and I used to be one. You wouldn't talk to me then, so don't bother me now. I just said I didn't want to talk to you and I am not interested, so get lost.

Now for those b*tches at work. You need to set them straight. So what you do is next time someone says something to you about flirting with someone say in a playful yet catty tone "does it bother you that he flirted with me and isn't flirting with you? or is it just the fact that I'm getting a little attention and you can't handle it" or perhaps a little more ladylike (thus like you), "well I would never think you would do something like that at work, why on earth would you even ask such a thing- not to mention you know I am engaged, do you think I'm a hussie!!!"- practice this over and over until you can say it with total conviction and without blushing. Practice with your fiance if you have to. (believe me, mike thinks I'm a geek b/c I role play situations I know will be uncomfortable and difficult, but practicing with another person makes it flow off the tongue easier and makes me a TON more comfortable in the actual situation!)

Now those "friends" you have, give them a call and ask them what the heck is up. If they haven't called you, have you called them? I've got this thing where I used to feel like people didn't want to talk to me, but when they called either I was too tired to talk, too busy to go out or dieting and couldn't participate in whatever they were doing. Maybe they feel like you are having this whole new life and don't want to include them. Maybe you aren't eating out as much as you used to and there isn't much to do. Maybe your diet has taken over your conversation and they are like blah blah that's all she talks about (I do this too much myself with my friends- my future MIL is worse than I am, always on some new diet or work out plan, trying to get me to join her). Call your friends and ask them over to dinner, have a "health" food dinner party (just don't tell them unless they bring it up- there are always ways to fix any favorite dish with lower fat). Also you said you have a fiance, are you planning right now? Are you demanding or becoming a bridezilla?- I'm sure you are a great, sweet girl, but I'm just trying to ask you ??'s to get you thinking.

A lot of times, we don't realize what we are doing. Maybe your friends don't realize they are giving you the snub. If these friends are really friends, then you should be able to call them on something. If you can't then either 1. you need to get some balls and stick up for yourself (don't mean this in a bad way, I've had to do this myself) or 2. they aren't worth the time. And maybe (and hopefully not) they are just b*tches and jealous. This is when you find new friends and focus on getting hotter for your wedding, that you won't be including them in.

So anyway. I hope all my somewhat polite and (often) catty advice helps you. Good luck and you keep on keeping on- hottie!!!

[Skydreama]

Hey,

I posted something similar not too long ago. I am having a hard time with the ladies I work with. All of them refuse to acknowledge that I have lost any weight. People from other departments drop by all the time and comment and the ladies i work with act like they have no idea what they are noticing.... its frustrating.

You are working hard and have done an amazing job, that is alot of weight you have lost! I havent had a ton of men noticing yet but I have noticed some... and it does make you think if they would have looked at you before...

I think most of the women are jealous. Its hard for a woman to compliment another woman... I am not sure why. But dont let that get you down. Atleast your fiance trusts you and is supportive!!

i think most of us can relate to this in some way... just try to block out the negative stuff and focus on the positive.

You are a huge inspiration to me!

[V-]

Estrella,

First- as all of the previous posters said before your stats are amazing! You look fabulous! You are so motivating to me.

Second- Even though I am only 31 years old (almost 32) I have learned some major lessons in my life, unfortunatly the hard way. One of them being surround yourself with positve people, people that have the same goals,morals--well let me just put it bluntly --people that have their sh*t together. If you have tried to contact your friends and it seems like more work than what its worth, move on. Everything happens for a reason. People come in and out of your life for a purpose. Most of the time the purpose is for you to find something out ABOUT YOURSELF. Women can be so jealous and envious mostly because I have found that those are the kind of women that are miserable in their own lives. The women that you work with for instance can't handle that you are changing something in your life and you followed through with it. As far as the guys go-- you are very pretty and it kind of comes with the territory-- I pretty much agree with baba on this one. Nicely say - thanks I'm not interested. Learned the hard way on this too-- When you try to shoot a guy down nicely then he will usually try to have a conversation with you where you will most likely end up having to be rude anyway. So just nip it in the bud in the begining. Save yourself some time. Sorry this is so long. This phen is making me a chatty cathy

[Dawndownunder.]

In my younger skinny years i had a lot of male attention. So when i put on weight i felt kinda peeved that no one looked at me anymore.
Now i dont really care about getting flirtatious male attention but i like the fact that im feeling more attractive in general, but im really like the fact that my husband finds me more attractive.
Of course if i get the occasional wink or wolf whistle i wont mind one bit! lol

[mms72]

i agree-- you are GORGEOUS girl!!!! -- everytime i see your pic in a post i think-- WOW-- she is sooooooooooo pretty!! As far as the co-workers and women go-- sometimes it seems like the workplace is like one big high school doesn't it? Just try to not let it bother you and it is jelousy! and for men- same thing- just try to se it as a compliment and that you ARE reaching your goals.

[braytan]

I, of course, have to agree with everyone else that you are absolutely gorgeous and you have done a tremendous job. Be very, very proud of that. I know how you feel about the attention though. Or even just the comments. I don't like even talking about my weight loss with people. I think it's embarassment or something. If someone says, wow you look good how much weight have you lost? I certainly don't tell them! I just reply, a bunch, or something like that. My highest weight was 253, not sure what it was when I started phen but I am now 197. I've lost 56lbs and am proud of that but don't want to tell people. My grandfather had been gone for the entire winter and came back and saw me for the first time and said, you look really good are you on a diet? I just said to him, it's just chasing around these boys that's doing it. I have to small boys. I don't even know why I replied that way. I told my mom after that that I just hate talking about my weight loss. I think it all has to do with drawing attention to myself and knowing people are "looking" at me. I hope to be able to flaunt myself one day but I'm not sure I will ever be that confident. I sure can hope though. Again, great job on your sucess!