How long is long enough to realize you're in love?

[health4life]

I took the time to read each and every reply which I dont always do. Judging from your first post. The first thing I thought of was, what is so important that shes putting off for Dustin? First thing I thought of was the kids

If I had came in here without reading the other replies I would have probably said something about the kids too. Remember not everyone read each and every reply that is posted.

Lastly, remember when u come looking for opinions they wont always be what u want to hear. Which is a big reason why "most" of the time I dont even reply to post like this. I dont sugar coat and if I cant give an honest opinion, I dont post. Thats what u want right?

If u will be hurt by responses u may want to reframe from posting something that could get your feelings hurt. Alot of people dont think about this before they post stuff. There are people here that have heard your stories and genuinely care about u and dont want to see u or your kids hurt You feel me?

By the way I am happy to see anyone happy. I hope that everything works out with you Becky

Fit, u ok suga? lol

[ July 06, 2004, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: health4life ]

[katyakat]

Maybe people just post their concerns because you have been very vocal about sharing all the details of your past relationships (ex, paul, Kip). If I recall, for the most part, most of those details have not been that positive for you. I think you went thru some really stressfull, sad times with all of them, and a lot of people here really rallied to your side with encouraging words and support. I dont think any one is begrudging your happiness at all. I think they are just promoting caution--given that it has only been three weeks, and that you yourself in previous posts have questioned why you attach yourself so quickly to the men you date.

Additionally, I think it is a normal reaction that the kid factor comes up a lot. YOu said in your post that you might be neglecting your kids "just a little"--well, maybe that was a flag to some people.

As for not bringing home every date...well, you brought Paul and Kip to your house..were there others in between that you dated that you didnt bring home??

Anyway, I think everyone here loves ya lots---and I certainly dont think anyone wants to rain on your parade! God knows you deserve to have this honeymoon phase since your past 2 relationships (Paul and Kip) didnt give that to you. And I think everyone here wishes all the best things. How awesome would it be if you guys were meant to be together? But understand that to a group of people who have been privy to your personal life the past 6 months, there is bound to be a little concern!

ok--there ya go! Peace out!

[*Becky*]

Health - I totally hear what you're saying and thank you. I do genuinely want to hear the opinions of everyone and I do realize I won't like them all, but that's the chance I choose to take each time I post I guess. Like I said, if I get too upset I just log off for a while or something.... And I'm glad I'm cared about here. I'm feeling the love here more than I do with my own family (mother/brother, etc)

[*Becky*]

Kat - I don't think I used the words "neglecting my children".... I think it was something to the effect of not giving them as much attention as they were used to. And as far as bringing men home, yes I met a couple other guys while I was 'seeing' Paul - or NOT seeing Paul, whatever you want to call it. Remember that dating service I was in for a while?

So, thanks Kat for putting things into perspective for me - as always - and thanks for your concern too and the kind words. I love you man!!!!!!

[EBONY POETESS]

YEAH HEALTH BOO I'M STRAIGHT!

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK FOR MYSELF IF I MAY
I HAVE DATED ALOT OF MEN MYSELF AND ALOT HAVE MET MY DAUGHTER AND SOME HAVE BEEN MORE OF A FATHER TO HER THEN HER REAL FATHER
I PERSONALLY HAVE ONE CHILD AND IF SHE HAPPENS TO BE WITH ME WHEN MY DOORBELL RINGS AND SHE MEETS HIM THEN WHAT DO I DO HIDE HER
NO SHE IS ALL MINE AND SHE COMES ALONG WITH ME NOW FOR THOSE WHO I WISH HER NOT TO MEET I JUST GO ALONG UNTIL I SEE FIT SHE SHOULD KNOW THEM
AND ME AND MY DAUGHTER TALK ON A REGULAR BASIS ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS
MOST OF MY FRIENDS ARE MEN AND JUST FRIENDS AND THEY LOVE HER TO DEATH!
AND BECKY MAYBE YOU SHOULD NOT SPEAK UPON YOUR RELATIONSHIPS HERE BECAUSE IT SEEMS THAT ONLY CERTAIN THINGS ARE PERMISSIABLE FOR CERTAIN PEOPLE
I HAVE BEEN UP AND DOWN WITH EMOTIONS WHEN IT COMES TO MEN MYSELF AND I VALUE YOUR OPNIONS ALSO IT JUST SEEMED LIKE MORE OF AN ATTACK WITH BECKY BUT THEN AGAIN EVERYONE IS INTITLED TO THEIR OWN OPINION
I DO BELIEVE YOU LOVE YOUR BABIES BECKY AND I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING TO HURT THEM

[*Becky*]

Yeah, Tif, I totally don't see a thing wrong with the way you handle your daughter.... I also agree, I'm feeling the heat today from this topic and I think I have decided that "the days of Becky's Lives" should come to an end here. I'd do better to keep certain things to myself I guess. Can I hear an 'AMEN, NOW YOU'RE TALKING!' My apologies to everyone....

[slowfoot]

First I wanna say exactly what h4l said.

I have a lot I want to say to FIT, but I'm not sure how to put it. hmm.

[slowfoot]

P.S. Becky, I think that's a good idea. Why set yourself up for it, ya know? I prefer to abuse myself in my own head, not take it from strangers.

I'm still glad you're happy.

[*Becky*]

Slow - thanks...

[FocusedOnFitness]

Originally posted by slowfoot:
P.S. Becky, I think that's a good idea. Why set yourself up for it, ya know? I prefer to abuse myself in my own head, not take it from strangers.

I'm still glad you're happy.

I loved the above, Slow. So true.

[EBONY POETESS]

EXPRESS YOURSELF SLOW I AINT NEVER SCARED

[slowfoot]

lol

[EBONY POETESS]

HABLA AHORA MAMACITA !

[missus]

[EBONY POETESS]

I GUESS CAT GOT YA TONGUE
I WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD TO OUR CHAT TOO
QUE PASA MISSUS?

[missus]

si, si

[FocusedOnFitness]

I realize I have been married since I was a kid, but I just think everyone here is concerned with the children because Becky's a grown woman. Children don't have a choice and most of the women here were parents who spoke up, I believe.

I don't read a lot of Becky's posts because I just don't have the time, but she has had a lot of boyfriends, love trials and tribulations, etc., in a very short amount of time. I think this just makes people think, "What is happening to the children during all this?"

I know being happy is important, but I believe children come first at all times. If I were to ever lose my husband, they wouldn't even have my boyfriend around them until I had his butt checked out thoroughly (and yes, I mean police record and the rest of it).

I'm just paranoid and have seen way too much wacky stuff out there with my single friends. They take chances I would never dream of taking because they get caught up in having a new guy to the point where they aren't anything unless they have a man in their life.

I've had a man in my life forever, but I know I'm something without him. Our time apart is good time, it's "me" time, and we do have a deep love.

I feel like the women here who spoke up were actually doing a good thing. When I read Becky's posts (before and now), I always thought about if it seemed like she had many relationships to other women, what did it seem like to the children?

Don't mean to be harsh, but Becky asked for the truth.

[EBONY POETESS]

CAROLANN , CAROLANN STEP INTO THE LIGHT CAROLANN

I FEEL YOU EMMA AND I DO AGREE KIDS DO COME FIRST ALWAYS!!!!! AND IF BECKY IS MAKING A BAD CHOICE BECKY HAS TO DEAL WITH IT !
MY FATHER IS A COP AND I GOT EVERYBODY'S DAMN INFO BUT PSYCHOLOGICALLY PEOPLE CHANGE EVERYDAY SO NOTHINGS EVER PROMISED
AND IF YOU NEVER DATE HOW WILL YOU EVER KNOW IF HE'S RIGHT? AND WHAT IF YOUR KIDS DONT LIKE HIM BUT YOU DO? I VALUE MY BABY'S OPNIONS AND FEELING AND SHE IS MY NUMBER ONE CRITIC
IF YOU PLAN ON BEING WITH SOMEONE THEY SHOULD KNOW YOUR KIDS BUT IF NOT HAVE YOUR FUN WITH HIM AND THEN TOSS HIM AND YOUR KIDS WILL NEVER KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM!

[slowfoot]

The cat never gets my tongue. Sometimes I even try to think before I talk. Interesting concept, I know.

But anyways. I thought about it some more and decided you probably don't need any of my advice. So nevermind! But I reserve the right to comment later, if the need should arise.

[ July 06, 2004, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: slowfoot ]

[FocusedOnFitness]

Fit, I just want the police report/AIDS test up front and then we'll worry about later on. I would probably wait a at least a few months before introducing them at that point, then from there if my children didn't like him, he'd be gone. My children can spot a whackjob from 10 miles off. LOL

Of course, this is all in theory. I've been off the market since 1988. Oh God, now I feel old.

[*Becky*]

It kind of is true..... if your kids don't like him in the end, even after you might have developed a relationship in the meantime, it just can't work. Thanks again everyone for the advice. Dustin is here now....

[madkins1222]

No Tiff, Becky doesn't have to deal with it, the kids do.

When one of them have behavioral problems and are lashing out at their mother, there needs to be a period of time when the mother has to deal with them without an outsider involved all the time. Make the children feel secure about their position in the household and in their mother's life. They need to feel #1, not just hear the words. If they are feeling jealous in just three weeks, can you imagine what it'll be like in three months? Behavior problems usually stem from their family life and/or chemical issues.

I wasn't going to say anything, because it was getting said by other people.

You know me, I have to butt in and be rude at least once a day.

[Determined1-- derland here I come]

I believe in love at first sight.
I am very happy for you

[missus]

Whoo, tell him hello girl.

Missus

BE BLESSED

[*Becky*]

Thanks Determined... Talk to you guys later/tomorrow. Now if we could just get off this subject that would be great

[*Becky*]

I've read through the posts again and wanted to answer health's question of what I was putting off in order to focus on Dustin. That, FYI, would be not focusing on my job hard enough (but this board doesn't help either!) and also I should be packing up stuff in my house and getting it all ready to put up for sale -- I'm going under here and need to get out of this big house. Well, I haven't focused on either of these for like three weeks now and that's a huge no-no. There are primary priorities - namely my kids, and then there are 'secondary' priorities - things that need your immediate attention, and that would be my job. If I don't keep the money coming in it affects everything down the line; including my kids. I just assumed everyone knew that putting your kids first is a given.... Guess I should have explained all the other stuff going on in my life too. And I agree in a way with Mad, that there are certain times when the kids need to have their mom all to theirselves - without the influence of an 'outsider'.... but eventually that 'outsider' could become an insider and then a part of everything that goes on in the household. That is a delicate process, though, of letting someone into that cherished and intimate relationship between a mother and her children. There has to be total trust. And trust me, sometimes I may not know all the right things to do at the right time, but give me a little time to figure it out and I usually do. I also agree with Emma that you need to have an identity outside of your husband - which is exactly what I was celebrating when my ex left almost three years ago - freedom to enjoy MYSELF. I was very confident then, but I guess after three years of being alone it kind of gets to ya. This is the conclusion I have come to I guess - I thought I was invincible right after he left, but the more I saw my family without a father in their life the more incomplete it seemed and my son even would say things about it to me that really saddened me. So that's where the desperation came from - I felt like there was a time limit on finding the right person to complete our little family before the kids got to the point where it wouldn't matter any more. They are 12, 10 and 8 right now -- not too old to still be influenced in a good way by a loving, respectable man.... Hope this explains things a little more on where I'm coming from.

[EBONY POETESS]

hey BECKY,
LET ME JUST SAY THIS TO YOU SWEETY
IT SEEMS THAT PEOPLE TEND TO LET THEIR CHILDREN RUN THEIR LIVES AND WHEN THE KIDS GROW UP THEY DECIDE TO LIVE THEIR OWN REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THEIR MATES BECAUSE THEY ARE MAKING A DECISION AS A ADULT ABOUT WHO THEY ARE WITH
KIDS GET JEAULOUS BECAUSE THE MAN IS NOT THE FATHER AND THEY DO ACT UP WHEN YOU HAVE SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE BESIDES THEM BUT YOU CAN'T LIVE YOUR LIFE SOLEY FOR YOUR CHILDREN THAT IS JUST REDICULOUS!ONE OF MY VERY BEST FRIENDS IS 63 AND I ASKED HER ABOUT YOUR SITUATION AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING I SAID TO YOU
SHE WAS DIVORCED YOUNG AND DATED QUITE A BIT AND HER TWO BOYS MET ALOT OF HER BOYFRIENDS AND DATES ESPECIALLY FOR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF WHO SHE WAS WITH AND BEING FAMILIAR ESPECIALLY IF SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO HER WHILE SHE WAS OUT
SHE SAID THEY NEVER GOT ATTACHED TO THE FACT WERE THEY WERE RUINED AND ALL THEY CARED ABOUT WAS THAT SHE TOOK CARE OF THEM ALL HER LIFE BY HERSELF WORKING 2 JOBS AND NO CHILD SUPPORT AND RAISING TWO VERY WELL MANNERED AND NOW MARRIED SUCCESSFUL LAWYER AND DENTIST
THE VALUES AND THE RELATIONSHIP YOU ESTABLISH WITH YOUR CHILD IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR A CHILD TO AN INDIVIDUAL
AND HER KIDS AND ALOT OF OTHER PEOPLES KIDS HAVE NEVER BEEN ATTACHED TO THE POINT WHERE IT RUINED THEM
I MEAN GET REAL
KIDS RUINED BECAUSE YOU DATE ALOT! I DONT THINK SO
I KNOW MARRIAGES WHERE EVERYTHING SEEMED HUNKY DORY BUT IT WAS N'T BUT PEOPLE TEND TO STAY IN THEM
LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE I HAD AN EX I WAS WITH FOR 3YRS AND HE TURNED INTO AN ***** BUT HE LOVED MY BABY TO DEATH NO MATTER WHAT WE WENT THROUGH AND TILL THIS DAY HE SENDS HER A BIRTHDAY CARD IN THE MAIL AND VISITS WHEN HE IS IN TOWN AND SHE UNDERSTANDS THAT WE ARE JUST FRIENDS AND I HAVE DATED IN BETWEEN THAT
YOU CAN'T LET YOUR CHILD DICTATE YOUR LIFE BECAUSE LIKE I HAVE SEEN SO MANY TIMES BEFORE THAT WHEN THEY GROW UP AND MOVE ON PARENTS THINK THEIR CHILDREN OWE THEM MORE BECAUSE THEY PUT THEIR LIVES ON HOLD BUT THATS NOT TRUE BECAUSE YOU LIVED YOUR LIFE AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THEM LIVE THERE'S
AND JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED OR INA SO CALLED MONOGOMOUS RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE SAFE! ALWAYS HAVE YOUR GUARD UP FOR BULLCHIT! BUT BABY IN THE MEANTIME KEEP LOVING WHO YOU ARE WITH OR WITHOUT HIM AMD KEEP LOVING THEM BABIES AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE WITH THEM AS A FAMILY

[*Becky*]

Fit - exactly. When our kids reach adulthood, will we dictate who they see? NO. So, what if my kids didn't agree with my choice? Really in my mind that is not a possibility. I believe that if there is a will there is a way and if I believe in my heart this is the right man for me I trust God that my kids will all eventually accept this for the good of their mother. If not then "Houston, we have a problem".... But I will cross that bridge if/when I get to it. I have faith in them, though, that they will not question my judgment; as long as they see it doesn't affect my relationship with them, you know? Thank you BTW Fit for your words of wisdom as always.

[*Becky*]

p.s. I also agree that by dating different men this in no way traumatizes a child. It gets them exposure, yes, but always under the watchful eye of their mother.

[madkins1222]

I'm glad you are open to everyone's advice Becky, because I think that a diverse collection of opinions are healthy.

Just an observation on my part, but isn't it ironic that the people defending Becky's choices aren't married or in a healthy and lasting relationship, to include Becky?

Why don't we stop being so defensive about the advice from HAPPILY married people, and give it a chance. There's a reason why we are still HAPPILY married.

[FocusedOnFitness]

Mad and I have been at each other's throats on the board before, so no one can say I'm agreeing just to agree with her ... but ... I agree with her. Anyone who is married and just being cautious gets shot down here. Becky asked for everyone to stop commenting at all, then came back to comment some more. Fit backed her up and she again came back to say "hurrah" more or less.

I would just like to say if you don't think kids will be hurt by having their mother date multiple men (and having these men come in/out of their lives) then you haven't looked at the research. Children need stability and structure.

Have productive children been raised in a circus? You bet, but I bet it's not the norm.

Just my opinion.

[jbaby]

i have to agree, and believe me, i've been desperately trying to stay out of this one. it seems on here that the attitude is "if it feels good, do it, to hell with the consequences." that is not to say that the starry-eyed part is not wonderful at the beginning, of course it is. but that isn't love. it's infatuation. it's important not to introduce your kids to that. love is the part that sticks around long after 3 weeks is gone. don't forget becky, you probably felt this way about your ex husband in the beginning too, and look how that turned out. enjoy yourself, date, try people on for size. but no guy should come before your kids or your ability to work. and don't get mad at me for saying that-YOU said it yourself. perhaps you should keep these things to yourself if you don't want criticism. it's only because we care. if we are considered a "bunch of strangers", then don't ask for opinions!

[*Becky*]

There are a few on here who supported my decisions who are in a healthy lasting relationship, but I understand your point too Mad. I agree that the best option would be to have one man in their lives, but sometimes that just isn't possible. And BTW I really appreciated that the topic ended after I asked that it be stopped. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that they 'reindexed' their forum right about then... Either way, I just wanted to say one last thing and that's why I posted one more time. Didn't mean to start a whole controversy again.

[EBONY POETESS]

THE FUNNY PART ABOUT YOU AND MADKINS AND ANYONE ELSE IS TOO ASSUME THAT HER HOME IS A REVOLVONG DOOR FOR MEN
YOU ARE SPEAKING AS THOUGH SHE HAS A DIFFRENT MAN EVERY WEEK!
IT BELITTLE HER IN WAY THAT SHE DIDN'T DESERVE
AND AS FAR AS HEALTHY LASTING RE;ATIONSHIPS AND BEING HAPPILY MARRIED
YOU DONT CHIT ABOUT ME AS FAR AS HAVING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP OR WHO I EXPOSE MY KIDS TO
MY BABY IS HAPPY UNLIKE YOUR MISERABLE ***ES
BLITCHES PLEASE! YOU ARE NOT EVEN HAPPY WITH YOURSELF THATS WHY YOUR AttITUDE IS SO FLUCKED UP
AND EMMA YOU DONT EVEN BELIEVE IN GOD AND I STOOD UP FOR BOTH OF YOU BLITCHES WHEN PEOPLE ATTACKED YOU ABOUT YOUR CHOICES SO TELL ME WHERE DOES THAT PUT YOU KIDS?
EVERYBODY MAKES CHOICES AS ADULTS BEING IT BE A WRONG OR RIGHT IN THE SIGHT OF OTHERS
AND IF I KICKED OFF OF HERE SO BE IT
BUT I HAVE TO LET YA KNOW THAT YALL CAN KISS MY MOTHERFLUCKIN ***** PUNTAS
DONT FLUCK WITH ME!!!!!!

[*Becky*]

jbaby - opinions are always good to hear.... attacks are not good to experience, that's all. I just believe that you have to try to be careful how you word things in order to avoid stepping over the line.