WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? (non phen)

[Mouth of the South (wishing)]

We've been seperated for 6 months now. He's been living with his girlfriend for almost 6 months. We're divorced for crying out loud!!! WHY CAN'T I GET OVER IT?

Sometimes I feel like I'm truly over the whole situation and it doesn't bother when he talks about her. But other times, like today, I JUST WANT TO RIP HER EYES OUT!!

I just get so overwhelmed with sadness and despair and I don't know why. I know it's gonna take a while before I REALLY get over the whole marriage thing. I can't think of ONE GOOD REASON why I would miss him or want him back, but days like today, I can't stand to hear HER name.

He called me to tell he wouldn't be picking up our daughter tonight because he had to go buy a new lawnmower so he could mow the grass. THAT WAS IT!!

That set me off. In the 5 years we were together, do you think he would mow the yard just one time? NO! Not even when I was 8 months pregnant with our daughter and on bedrest...I had to get my big arse out there and do it myself.

It really hurts that he'll do things like for this woman, who hasn't carried or given birth to his child but he couldn't manage to ever do it for me. That tears me up-literally.

As I type this and think about it, the tears are welling up in my eyes. Why couldn't he treat me the way he treats her? Our marriage would have been so wonderful if he had and we would have lasted. My girls wouldn't be going through the emotional torment they are enduring if he had treated me as good as he treats her, even if it's just a tenth of how he treats her. What makes her so worthy of it but I, the mother of his children and the woman he vowed his love to, am not worthy? Was I "practice" for him? Was our marriage just a practice run for the real thing? I put up with for all those years and now SHE is reaping my rewards. I'm so upset, it's unreal.

I just can't fathom how he can treat her so well and his own wife so badly.

He broke my heart like no one ever could and he is still breaking my heart.

[ June 19, 2003, 02:23 PM: Message edited by: wishing to be thin ]

[Mommy of 4]

You are still very much so in love with him, that is why you aren't over the divorce. It shows very clearly in what you say when you write.

I feel really bad for you and your hurt. I am so sorry.

[GINNY]

Girl, Im so sorry I know it is so tough for you. But you know what? you deserve better. Are you still in love? Time heals and you will move on.Im sure its nothing you have done that made him treat her better than you. Im sure in the beginning he treated you well, oh believe me it will get old and he will probably start treating her like crap too. I dont know your situation exactly but you need to get out this weekend, or every weekend you need to meet new people and do new things. You are putting the blame on yourself and you are dealing with all this guilt and you shouldnt. Dont let him enjoy all the misery you are going through dont be miserable you dont have to be lift your chin up for you and your kids.He is just a man you were just used to him and if his sorry *** didnt mow the grass when you was prego and on bed rest that right there just shows you are better than him and you deserve a good man who will take care of you. and your kids. So good luck and get out of the house meet someone so you can get your mind off him, even if it is just a new friend.Throw that pain away girl, I know you would really feel better if you could just make him jealous or something but one day he will realize what he missed out on. Right.

[Nicole :-)]

Nothing is wrong with you--don't EVER think that there is.

Sometimes men are just idiots like that and they can't see that they have something special that they should cherish. You loved him and it seems like you still do (you had his children, you'll probably always love him in some way) so of course it's hard to get over.

They say that you need 6 months for every year you were together to fully get over a relationship...so, you will and you'll be that much better for it.

As for him treating this other woman like a queen--she's new to him, he's still trying to be sure he has her affection. Men always do that when they want a woman. But just think what will happen if she marries him...they'll probably fall into the same pattern.

Please don't cry over him--I truly believe that no man unworthy of a woman's love is worthy of any woman's tears. It makes me sad to see how sad you are

Just remember the rule of karma--The pain that he's causing you and your kids will come back to him twice as bad. And he'll deserve it...

Keep your head up and know that there is nothing wrong with you...only him!

Best of luck!

[Becham917]

Anyone thats ever been through a divorce can relate in some way. As everyone already said, he isn't worth all your tears, and she too will become old news to him, then just think of her tears when he has moved on to another. Sounds like you definitly got the best part of him, the KIDS, so you have it all. Time does heal all, so try to focus on those great kids and yourself. If he can't spare time to see his kids, it's his loss, and in time he will be sorry.

Keep your chin up, and remember we are here for you.

Becky

[health4life]

Sorry u are going through this
Shes the CLEAN UP WOMAN
She will get it until hes tired of giving it. Especially if that isnt the way he really is.

Keep your head up. LOVE HIM FROM A DISTANCE.

[Nicole :-)]

BUMP--I think this is an important post and wishing needs some encouragement!

[IOU]

Interesting it sounds like your more upset with HER then you are HIM..

ANYONE who has the stupidity to cheat and ruin a relationship is only worth missing with a bullet

[MotherLunsford]

Wishing:

Success is the best revenge.

You take this truth from the mouth of Ivana Trump and you put in on notecards and you post it in every room of your house, on every wall, so that no matter WHERE you look it will be in your line of sight.

And then you get your one day to be tiny heiny busy being successful. If that includes counseling, you go there! Whatever it takes, you go there.

Check the law in your state to verify the legality of one-way recording of phone conversations and if it is, make sure EVERY communication with him is caught on tape. Or just don't answer his calls, force him to leave a voice mail or anwering machine message. You document it all. If this **** keeps up, you will have some basis for a modification of custody (As in he has a history of not taking visitation anyway.....are my hints broad enough here?) The kind of game he is playing is all about HIM trying to control YOU! Uh-uh, NO WAY! He does it again? Smile big, laugh into the phone, "I understand. Daughter and I will have a wonderful evening, week-end, whatever, anyway." Of course, if this tidbit gets left on a machine, he doesn't get the "reward" of knowing he has wounded you. Do you see where I am going here? Do not allow yourself to be "hooked" into playing his game.

(Please, if nothing else, find copies of the book series Getting Them Sober and read each one cover to cover, backwards and forwards, awake and in your sleep. They were written for the wives of alcoholics, but the behavior changing strategies are applicable to any sh*t-head behaviors the yahoo-exes pull. Trust me. My ex went to prison for vehicular manslaughter and STILL tried the manipulation from his cell!!!! The power is within YOU, the ball is in your court and "Boogar" is on the losing team.)

Of course you can PM me or e-mail me anytime you want.

And forget about "HER." If "Boogar" hadn't already been looking, she wouldn't be in the picture.

Go give your girls a round of hugs and kisses and make sure that they are given plenty of opportunities to interact with positive male role models. You can do it. I promise.

Keep us posted on how your day, week, etc, is going/goes. We are here for you. PM or e-mail me anytime.

Mother

[Whowhon]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I could tell you it gets easier. It takes time, but I will tell you what happend to me. My first marriage ended when I caught my best friend and him in bed together. This wasn't the first time he did something like this. I was devastated, I cried all the time. But you know what? He is now married to the worst wife ever!! He has migranes all the time because of her. So he is getting his justice now.

So, it will get better. Live your life, and go have fun with your daughter. If you are like me your daughter is the most important thing in your life. You will get to see her grow and he will miss out on her life, his big lose.

I hope your day gets better. Hugs and Kisses to you.

[Katt]

You are still super young- now that you have been married and experienced the mr. not right, be on the lookout for Mr. Right.

Do things to get over him such as planning a trip or volunteering. When I was 26 (am now 33)I had been living with my boyfriend and his son for three years- I came home a day early from a week vacation with my friends to find him in our bed with a woman he worked with. Apparently they had been seeing each other for several months-
At first I was sad, mad and devestated but looking back I wonder why the heck I was ever with such a jerk. He really wasnt that great, he lied, he cheated, he was a mooch- I paid for most everything we did, it was my house we lived in- I decided I wasnt going to settle ever again- I had several boyfriends after him but I wanted the knight in shining armor, you know what I mean, everyone has a friend who is in the "perfect relationship" where they are still in love after 5, 10 or 15 years of marriage- I wanted that! So decided to work on myself first- You have to love yourself and be happy before you can expect someone to love you right? I decided to be a bit selfish for awhile and do all the things I wanted to do, with or without a boyfriend. So first I learned how to scuba dive, then I would take long weekend trips by myself to places like Cozumel, Key Largo, San Diego and dive all weekend- cool thing was I met so many other people on every trip I was on that were also traveling by themselves, either single or their significant other wasnt into diving. Diving and underwater photography became my passion- Last spring I decided to quit my job, refinance my house and take a year to travel to all the places I have always dreamed of going. Because I love diving I had to go to some the top dive spots in the world, Papua New Guinea, Solomon Islands, Fiji, Thailand, Australia- I have also always wanted to trek the Annapurna circuit in Nepal (a 3 week walk in the Himalayan mountains going through remote villages) So I booked that in my trip, and a bunch of other countries that I have always wanted to visit like Cambodia, Laos, Kuwait, Greece, Spain, Portugal, New Zealand. When told my parents they freaked out- said I was being irrisponsible, its too dangerous bla bla bla. The day I gave my four weeks notice at the job I had been at for 10 years, I went out with some friends to celebrate- and guess what? I met a great guy that night. Don't get me wrong, I had met several pretty good guys after "the loser" but after dating for a few weeks or a few months I decided they werent what I was looking for (I decided I wanted to do the chosing) Well I met this great guy, we talked all night at the bar, we hung out every day until the I left for my trip, which was 6 weeks- We went backpacking in Colorado, camping in Canada- I was whipped! The night before I left for my trip I kept thinking, oh my god I'm making a big mistake, I've just met this fantastic guy and now I'm going to leave for a year- I knew I would regret it if I didnt take my trip, I had been planning for it for 6 months- you only only live once right? So I told this great guy that I would love it if he wanted to visit me on my trip, I would love it if he wanted to keep in touch while I was away- I was having the time of my life with him but I told him I didnt expect him to sit around and wait for me- we cried our good-bye's and I got on the plane the next morning. I went to the South Pacific, dived everyday for two months, trekked in Nepal, checked my email about once every two weeks if I was at an airport or found a cafe somewhere- there were always sweet emails from this guy- he was always wishing me well, hoping I was having fun. I decided to call him when I got to Bangkok because it was pretty cheap and easy from there-plus it had been over three months- When I called him he asked if I still wanted him to meet me because he was able to find a 3 month replacement for his job and he found a cheap ticket. Anyway to make a long story short, we had the time of our life and we still are. When he showed up in Thailand to meet me he surprised me with his scuba certificate (he had never gone diving before) booked us a 5 day diving cruise in S. Thailand) I now know what it feels like to be in a GREAT relationship that is give and take and I get to be the one that all the friends say, They are so perfect together.
Wanna see some trip pics? www.81x.com/maidenkatt/photoalbum

[Jennerizer]

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I'm watching my brother go through the same thing with his wife. It really has nothing to do with who YOU are as a person. In most cases, it goes back to them not wanting to deal with responsibility. It's easier for him to go in a opposite direction of you...because you are his wife (marriage is a lot of responsibility) & you both have a child together(which he is pawning off the majority of the responsibility of taking care of her on you). Basically, he wants the easy things in life...he's a coward...afraid of the responsibility.

The only thing this other relationship has going for him is that he hasn't had to deal with real responsibility yet. It's all playtime right now. No issues, no past, no problems, no obligations.....just fun. He sounds as though he has a lottttttttt of growing up to do.

You are hurting & it's understandable as to why. It's ok to cry....in fact it probably is beneficial as opposed to keeping your feelings inside. It sounds as though you love who he used to be......not who he is now. You have to try to see him for who he really is rather than what you hoped he would be or what he may have been in the past. He is the one with the issues & the problems. He rather run from responsibility than be a man & do his share of the work. He doesn't sound like someone worthy of your feelings. Take the time to work on yourself...to build up your self-esteem & self-confidence. Then you will see that you don't need him to have a good life. And like someone else stated.......success is the best revenge. It really is.

Quick question....is he paying temporary child support? If not, get to a lawyer or the courthouse & get the papers drawn up so that you are receiving some child support to care of your daughter. He may be able to run from the emotional responsibility of having a family, but do not let him get away without having to pay the financial obligations. If you do, you are just enabling him to run from responsibility that he has created.

[Mouth of the South (wishing)]

Thanks for all the advice. You guys are great. I'm much better now. I don't know what provoked such a dramatic emotion in me, but I do know he's not worth it, but I also know I'm not over it. It was just one of them days, ya know?

I am VERY upset at BOTH of them because I feel everyone should have MY morals and they don't. I'm upset at him for lying to me all those years and convincing me that he would never love another woman and for being so damn good to her while he dumps all over me. And I'm mad at her because it's a total lack of respect to interfere in some one else's marriage. I would never disrespect another female by messing around with her husband. Women need to stick together, however, the cold hard truth is we are each other's worst enemies sometimes. When it comes to men, all bets are off and that's sad.

Katt-your story is so amazing! You've done all the things I've always wanted to do and that's so courageous! I've never gone anywhere, barely even left my county. You're inspiring.

Thanks for all the advice and words of encouragement. I'm sure I'll have more days like yesterday and I know you will all be here for me. PHENSTERS RULE!!!

[Mouth of the South (wishing)]

Jenn: Thanks for your advice. We're already divorced, child support has been set and he hasn't paid anything yet. My attorney did an income deduction order, but there's no telling how long that will take to kick in. My lawyer ****ed, to be honest with you. My ex went pro se and he made out like a bandit. I paid for my attorney and I got screwed. My ex was ordered to pay a whopping $6.48 a week in arrears. He got all of our marital property (gave it to his girlfriend) and doesn't even have to pay child support for the whole time we were seperated...just sine late February. I have to carry medical and dental insurance on our daughter and that's not figured into the child support at all. He's one of those guys that always wins.

[MotherLunsford]

Feminist Child Support Enforcement

This is a Google Search with all the results listed. You get busy and find somebody to go after "Boogar"!!! No law says you can't get a different attorney who will haul his *ss back into court and modify the decree and custody.

What a loser. You are better off shed of him.

Mother

[Mouth of the South (wishing)]

I don't have the money for another attorney...my last one wasn't worth the $1200 I paid him and I make too much to qualify for legal aid (go figure, supporting 2 children on 0 support and I make under 25K). I'll look at the site though Mother. Thanks!

[Katt]

You will be SOOO over this guy soon and be looking back saying "why the F*** did I waste a single emotion on a guy who wont even pay child support and who didnt treat be like the queen I am" Seriously its a blessing in disguise.

Go after the shy geeky nice guys- I swear there are so many "hidden treasures" in that category. My b-friend has so many cute, smart, single friends that are dying to meet someone but arent the most outgoing when it comes to meeting women-I wish I had single girlfriends to set them up (all computer guys)

[MotherLunsford]

I forgot to mention that your local Child Support Enforcement Unit will go after the jerk for what is owed. They can make the worm wiggle, if you get my drift!!!! Keep us posted. And if there is anything, anything at all that you need, give a holler!

Mother

Florida Child Support Enforcement Unit

See if any of these links helps (when you get a breather that is!)

Success is the best revenge.

Child Support Enforcement
The Child Support Enforcement Section of the Office of the Attorney General represents the Department of Revenue in twenty of Florida's sixty-seven counties, as well as the Clerk of Manatee County, in cases establishing and enforcing child support orders. The Child Support Enforcement Section provides legal services in accordance with Florida Statutes 61, 88, 287, 409 and 742, in cases involving children who reside in Florida as well as the other forty-nine states, the U.S. territories, and foreign countries. These services include cases referred by the client agencies for intrastate and interstate:

Establishment of Paternity
Establishment of Support
Establishment of Paternity & Support
Enforcement of Child Support Obligations
Modification of Child Support Obligations
In addition to providing representation at the trial level, the section also serves as appellate counsel in Florida's five district courts of appeal, the Florida Supreme Court, and in the federal appellate court system. With offices located in Ft. Lauderdale, Tallahassee, Tampa and West Palm Beach, the Child Support Enforcement Section handled 42,834 cases in 2002.

For parents interested in more information or to obtain child support services, contact the Department of Revenue, Florida's designated child support agency. The Department of Revenue's toll-free number for child support matters is 1-800-622-5437 (1-800-622-KIDS). This information can be accessed on the web at http://sun6.dms.state.fl.us/dor/chil...rt/phone.html.

[ June 20, 2003, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: MotherLunsford ]

[tryintokeepitoff]

Get out and have a good time. Dont let this guy get you down. You are still in love with him and the only way to get over that is to get your mind on something else. Look to the future and like me "Mr. Right" will be right there.

I thought all was lost and hopeless for me too. I met the man of my dreams and he loves me as much as I love him. I was lost when my boyfriend left me two years ago, but never knew that Mr. Right was right around the corner all along. I am with Mr. Right now and have never been happier in my life. If I can just win this battle of keeping my weight off I will be ecstatic.

[pinkpanther]

Girlfriend, there is nothing wrong with you. He's the one with all the issues.

Misery loves company. Trust me, it may not be all paradise and roses as he wants you to believe.

When my husband and I divorced, he remarried about 5 months after our divorce was final. I found out later that he was dating her while we were married.

Trust me girlfriend, WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND!!! My ex has been married 3 times in the past 10 years. His 2nd wife left him after about a year, and his third wife passed away after a bout with cancer. They were only married a couple of years.

I'm not gloating about his situation. I'm only saying that you can't treat a person badly and not expect to get it back one way or the other. You reap what you sow.

Keep your head up! Don't let him see that he's getting under your skin!

[Mouth of the South (wishing)]

Mother-I work for the DOR and since I'm not on welfare, going through CSE will do no good. There's nothing in for DOR so it won't go far at all. I personally know of some one that has gone through CSE for the past 4 years and still hasn't had an order put in place because she never received public assistance.

The system ****s.

[Mouth of the South (wishing)]

You are all 100% correct! Thanks so much for cheering me up and giving me some hope!

[MotherLunsford]

Jamie, That is just the pitts! SEU is supposed to help you whether you receive, or never receive, assistance. How about giving Old Jeb a call and asking him to put his money where his mouth is and see what can be done about the situation! Complaints should start at the top of the food chain. Let me know. I will be plotting strategies in my own, evil way.

(Think I will call support enforcement and ask them to go after Loser Boy's prison wages (If they earn money, no matter how little, they should PAY! You have inspired me!)

Mother

[CarolinaGirl]

Jamie, hope you are feeling better. To recap what everyone else has told you, it is his loss. I have never been married but my father used to act just like your ex. He would constantly rub it in my mom's face that he was out having a good time while she was struggling to make ends meet because he was too sorry to pay support. He even gave me a picture to give to my mom when I was 7 of him and his fiance. The only reason he did it was because she had a huge diamond on her finger and he knew that would piss my mom off. What goes around comes around and it may take 20 years but it will happen. You are better off without him. Take care of yourself sweetie!

[Jennerizer]

Wow, you really did get a bad deal in the divorce. I would follow through on trying to get the child support not only enforced, but also increased. You may not even need a lawyer to get this done. I would be making phone calls to whatever agency handles child support. Here in Florida...if you don't pay child support, your driver's license is automatically suspended & you could face jail time. I don't know what it's like in your state, but I do know the penalties are getting stiffer. Don't let a bad attorney stop you from getting a fair amount of child support.

Hang in there girl...there are brighter days ahead. I promise!!!

[Mouth of the South (wishing)]

Hey Jenn...I'm in Central FL as well...a drivers license CAN be suspended and the NCP can be thrown in jail-but those cases are few and far between. CSE gives NCP's a lot of leeway when it comes to arrearages because if they have no Drivers License, they have no way of working, therefore no way of paying support (even though they aren't paying in the first place).

Florida is horrible about child support. I work with a gal who got her first and only child support check about 2 months ago-her only child is 23 years old!!!