[sharper]

I'm 21, and on New Years, my mother decides to take me out shopping. As I was picking out jeans, I got my usual size 10 and then wondered if I would fit in a size 8 since my jeans have gotten baggy. I went to the dressing room and immediately put on the size 8's. They fit snug and I didn't struggle to get in them. I was kind of excited that I fit into them. Mom rudely suggested that I try the size 10's. I went to put the 10's on and they were baggy, but comfortable. The 8's were comfortable in a snug way, and the 10's were comfortable in a baggy way.....which way do I go???
So as I was talking to myself, I said, "I'm still loosing weight, and I do plan on loosing more weight...." then mom interrupts me and says, "We all know you PLAN on loosing weight." She then mumbled, "doesn't mean you will." It hurt me so much that she said that. She has seen me struggle through so many diets, pills, and plans...and different kinds of excersizes with no success. She definately doesn't support me taking phen at all...she swears I'm taking phen-fen, the one she sees the lawyers talk about on tv all the time. Even though I've lost 10 lbs, she treats me as if I'll gain it back anyways.
It just pisses me off and I had to vent about it. She told my grandmother and my step-father that I'm taking phen-fen and I'll probably die soon. I cannot convince her than it is phentermine and that it's safe. i know she's probably jealous, but she weighs 119 lbs!! how on earth can she be jealous? I have always been fatter than her, and she's always been skinny and boney...what is her problem? I thought she would be proud of me. Now she has the whole family not supportive of me. My grandmother won't let me use her weight scale to check my progress.
Arrrgg!!! Anybody have family members or friends doing the same thing? Everytime i go to exercise, she rolls her eyes at me...she acts as if I'll give up sooner or later. Well I do know one thing...I can't find support here in reality, but I know that I keep coming to this board to see support all over it...thanks for the chance to vent
.../sharper

[nal]

How old are you? I don't mean any insult in any way - it just would help clarify your situation with your mom.

[nal]

How old are you? I don't mean any insult in any way - it just would help clarify your situation with your mom.

DUH- I just reread your post, and you're 21. That explains a lot. It doesn't excuse her negative comments, though. You feel like you're grown up, your mom thinks you're "only 21". I would suggest that #1 you stop shopping with your mom and #2 you calmly and clearly tell her that you are losing this weight in a safe manner, and doing it only for yourself. Tell her that her comments hurt you, and ask her to stop. Use the old "if you can't say anything nice, please don't say anything at all." I'm not saying you'll get through to her, but you never know! I do know that when my kids really behave in a mature manner, I respond differently to them. Do NOT raise your voice - be calm.

[High Hopes]

My mom, actually my whole family, is not supportive of me either. They've seen me get fatter and fatter and fail at several attempts to lose weight. So now I'm the only fat person in my immediate family and it's almost like they are ashamed of me. Anyway, I just decided this time to not even tell my mom I was losing weight or on phen or walking or anything. I just didn't even go near the whole topic at all. And then over Christmas, she said "I can really tell you have lost some weight, Kim." I just said, "yeah, I've lost a few pounds." I played it off and changed the subject. Wait until we hit our goals and then we can prove it to them without saying a word!
Hang in there. Weight loss is hard enough without these non-supportive obstacles, but it's for YOU anyway, not for them. You can do it! And I'd go for the 8's - next thing you know, they'll be baggy, too.
Kim

[sharper]

Thanks yal for the info!!
If she does make another comment or something, I'll let her know how much it hurts. I think maybe she knows how much it hurts...I dunno.
Yes, she has seen me go through several diets and plans and fail at all of them. It's as if she knows that I won't be able to beat it. She's never really known the struggle of trying to loose weight, so maybe she doesn't know how hard it is. I keep thinking that maybe she wants me to giveup or something.
I'll definately keep my diet on the downlow from now on. Sometimes it's just hard, I want someone around the house to recognize my efforts and see the difference. And I'll let my mother know that if she says anything again. my uncle came over the other day and said that i have lost weight, I thanked him and my mother said, "it's just water weight"
arrgg! it just makes me upset thinking about it. 10 more days till I move out..woohoo! That will make it easier to keep it on the DL.
Thanks
.../sharper

[KeliK]

First of all...
a size 8 or 10 are small sizes... and your mom should keep her mouth shut.

what I have learned is that some people are just used to them being the thin one, and you being the heavy one, and they feel ok about that. now when YOU become the thinner one... they dont like that. it makes them uncomfortable.....
I have learned that from a bunch of "friends"
I think that the best way for moms or dads to deal with weight issues, is to NOT make it an issue... and keep their mouth shut!
just my opinion!

[dawn65]

Who'd expect a mother to be so hurtful to her child? I know how you feel though, my mother is probably worse than yours. She told me 2 days ago that if she knew what being a mum was like she never would have had kids. The worst thing is that im so used to this kind of comment that it took me 24 hrs before it clicked in my mind that this was not a nice thing for her to say! LOL
She once told me she wished she'd had an abortion instead of having me and my sisters!! And she was NOT joking. But then she tells people what a close loving family we are! I must have missed that bit!

[Nitra]

Oh man cant moms be mean at times. I have to just get up in my moms face from time to time. I try the nice approach and that doesnt work then I get up and say Ok mom dont worry about my hair or whatever her current jag is and let me take care of it myself. If you dont like it then you dont have to look at it. I agree that in some way she knows but in another way maybe she is worried about you and cant tell you so she uses such comments. Not that they are right. Just tell her that you would appreciate her support and if all she is going to say is negative stuff you dont want to hear it. I went shopping with mom and bought all these 16s and she was like umm thats good they fit.. then days later she says well you know i have been thinking about your new clothes and you know I think they are 16W so run bigger.. I was like who cares mom I was in a tight 22W so still I have come a long way so get over it ok?? she shut up. You will be on your own soon and you are right that you will be better off not to have someone degrading your efforts.

[jbaby]

sharper, your post made me feel awful-i'm so sorry she hurt you that way. dawn, yours made me feel even worse! what a horrible thing to say to your children!! in my case, it's not my mom, but my dad. my mom is really supportive and encouraging, and i don't think my dad means to be insensitive, but he sure is. when i announced to my parents that my weight loss had hit 100lbs, all my dad could say was, "well, it's a start." just about broke my heart. course, my mom was gonna kill him. now, i just let it roll off my back because i think it's a little jealousy. my dad has diabetes and cannot, or will not, stick to a diabetic diet, but i am. so, chin up honey, and don't surround yourself with unsupportive people, or at least keep it to a minimum.

[girlie-girl]

I am so sorry your mom did that to you. I am not telling my mom that I am taking the Phen just because she would worry and I don't want that. This all reminds me of my aunt and my cousin. My aunt is so jealous of her daughter... she says things like that to her all the time. I don't understand it. My daughter is 9... and I want so much more for her than what I have had. I cannot imagine saying something like that to my children. Anyways... I have found that it is best to just avoid negative people. In fact, one of my New Years Resolutions is to "weed the negative people out of my life". I know you don't want to completely cut your mom out of your life, but maybe until you lose your weight, just avoid her a little more. You don't need someone discouraging you. Take care!

[KeliK]

wow...
I am so sadened by the moms out there....
I know mine isnt perfect...
but she tries to be supportive....

Dawn,
I cant believe your mom said that...
about the abortion. does she ever stop and think about how this may make you feel?
and what does she expect to gain from such coments ? for you to apreciate she didnt have an abortion? or what ...geesh!

[Paula]

wow dawn...your mom is not bonded to you and your siblings at all

that is more than insensitivity...it sounds like a mental health issue (to me anyway)

good luck with all....dawn.

i am glad to know that my girls will turn out ok in spite of my screw ups.

cus dawn you always have the funniest topic starters...and you have a great sense of humor and kindness

[dawn65]

I tend to go on about my mother a bit too much. This is not the first post that i have mentioned my problems with her in.
I was always scared of her when i was a little girl because she could fly off the handle at any time..for instance one day when i was about 9 or 10 i came home from school and everything i owned was pulled out of my cupboards because she had looked in there and it wasnt tidy enough. Absolutly everything was pulled out and i had to put it all away again. I never knew if i would come home to a happy mum or to a snarling one. I used to hope she wold be at work that day (she is a nurse) so i didnt have to see her.
The funny thing is that if i tell her my problems she will be supportive in her responses to me...but she really isnt interested in being involved with me and my kids as you would expect her to be.She lives 10 mins away but we rarely see her.
Except recently...shes called in unexpectedly a few times sometimes with my dad. She never calls first to see if we are home..sometimes we are in bed or having a meal..so i asked her if she would mind giving us a call next time..just to make sure its a good time for us. I was really careful how i said it to her...but now she is really angry about it. But it is something i feel very strongly about..i NEVER go to anyones home without calling first. And i think my mother is just trying to call the shots by doing this..she just turns up and walks in the door..doesnt knock..if the front door is locked she'll go round the back and just walk in.
So...there i went again...i have some really big issues about my mother....but tell me this someone...why do i feel so guilty about it?? Like i am just an ungrateful daughter.

[Paula]

what you just descirbed...not knowing if she was going to be in a rage or not...that is mentall illness..or did she abuse alcohol?

and it all goes back to emtional instability/illness

rage in my house was alcohol related....

[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: Paula ]