[stellar]

I'm not sure if thats the best word. *WARNING* LONG STORY...

Anyway, I have this friend, lets call her Cammy.

When I was prego with my first 2 kids I didn't have a baby shower. I was thousands of miles from my best friend and my sister and in my husbands family there are mostly males and I didn't have any real good girlfriends that would do that sort of thing.
Since my 2nd baby I have made some friendships and such.
While prego with #3, Cammy said she'd throw me a shower. I didn't ask her too, she gleefully volunteered, Cammy has no kids, never been pregnant etc... When I was 5 months prego I Ushered her wedding (a girl usher, different I know). That meant standing on my feet and greeting and seating hundreds of people in ridiculously uncomfortable clothes and shoes while suffering pregnancy discomfort. BUT I wanted to do it for my friend.
At 6 months along I had only had 2 sonograms and my baby was sitting indian style (no view of genitals). Cammy consulted her 2 sisters-in-law (they have never had children either). The 3 of them were the ones putting my party together. They agreed without me there for the conversation that since I wasn't sure of the gender of my baby it would be no fun to have a shower (stupid). I'd register for all neutral colored stuff, I don't care and diapers aren't gender specific, neither are bottles, wipes, formula, lotions, bath tubs etc...
Then I had another sono, found out it was a boy, told my friend and party plans were back on. About 3 weeks later a stupid jerk ran a red light and smashed into me. I was in the hospital for a week then put on bed rest. Once home for a little while Cammy called to say that due to my current condition SHE thinks a party is un-called for. I disagree, a party would've lifted my spirits during a tough time. I could've sat in the recliner and enjoyed the games, cake and conversation... no one ever throws rock climbing baby showers or expects the soon to be mom to do jumping jacks.
By this point I was 8 months and told by doc I could give birth at anytime. I had another friend that would've done it but she thought it was already being done. Since this was my last baby it was my last chance. I expressed my disappointment to Cammy, she then said they were going to plan a "Welcome baby home party". Needless to say my emergency C-section and week later hospital discharge magically conflicted with her schedule.
I gave up on that, too late, who cares. It wasn't about the gifts. I know I'm being a cry baby but in my family there are no traditions. I don't have parents. I ran off to get married because I had no one to invite other than a few friends and a sister. I guess with the shower thing I just wanted to do something normal for a change. Kind of like a rite of passage.
So why is this bothering me now? Cammy's 1st baby is due in 4 weeks, her shower is this weekend and she expects me to bring various food dishes, force my other friends that she thinks are her friends but they really can't stand her to come to the party AND she gave me her baby registry list and hinted at the fact that my husband makes good money and they expect a GOOD (expensive) gift from us. Shes been hinting non-stop about some 90 dollar car seat and various clothing items.I wouldn't want to harm her baby so... Do you think it would harm her unborn baby if I hit her in the toe with a hammer?
Are my bitter feelings wrong? Should I get her a nice gift or go cheap?
I thought I'd feel better if I talked about it but I still feel like calling her and telling her to kiss my *****! I'd never stress out a prego women though. I'm not that mean

OH... and what about the short notice for food prep, gift shopping and girlfriend round-up? Cammy gave me my invite and told me what she wanted from me MONDAY and the party is Sunday!

[Gerald Bostock]

I can't say I'm surprised, Stell. Cammy's behavior is thoroughly consistent - everything she does is about her.

The baby is to be pitied, with a mother like that.

I'd try to be gracious, but cool and detached. Set limits and be firm. Talk to the other friends and be honest about how you feel, but don't pressure them to go. Take an appetizer and a bowl of nuts and call it good. Spend what you think is appropriate - get a couple of others to pitch in on that expensive car seat, or buy a gift certificate that will help pay for it.

Don't feel pressured and don't feel guilty. She's lucky you still talk to her at all!

[BrandiSCollins8]

Stellar: I am so sorry you are dealing with something like this. I have to say that I agree with Gerry. She is obviousely a very selfish and self-involved person. I would probably get a gift certificate and call it "even", then I might pick up a veggie platter from the grocery store. Don't go out of your way to make her shower awesome, when she did NOTHING to even give you a shower. She is obviousely not a friend and you should not feel bad about it. I don;t think that all friendships "give and takes" are even, but they should be better than what Cammy has done. She could have thrown a party after you recovered from your c-section or worked something out. Detach yourself and move on. You are much better than that. Don't let it get you down.

Brandi
P.S. If you take our advice and she has a problem with it, or acts pi$$y, then I would tell her EXACTLY why...otherwise, she might not care at all...I'm guessing she might if she is expecting some big gift from you...be sure to tell her what you think...don't hold back because she is pregnant...look what she put you through when you were pregnant, and you REALLY NEEDED a friend at that time...

[Keew]

Stellar....girlfriend....all I have to say is HOLY CRAP!!

The fact that someone could have such disregard for your feelings and friendship, and in turn your worried if your going to offend her!! Wow. You are unbeleivable. (in a good way) Everyone should have friends like you.

Let me say this, your a good hearted person not to hurt or disregard Cammy's feelings, but please do not go out of your way for her. I totally agree with Gerry, a bowl of nuts, and a bag of diapers (or rash cream for Cammy ) is more than enough. (It is more than she did for you) You are not Cammy's best friend or family, she made that apparent, so if you even attend this shower you go as any other guest would!!

As for you...

I had another friend that would've done it but she thought it was already being done. Since this was my last baby it was my last chance.

IT IS NEVER TO LATE TO HAVE A PARTY!! Maybe for a "baby" shower but not for a "Mommy" shower. Have a celebration, make it fun, you can make it an adult party or include the kids. Either way, have your party. You deserve it, even if it is after you've had three kids!! Having three beautiful kids is an excuse alone to have a party!! I wish I was closer to you, we'd have a H E L L of a party!!

(((((((((((((((((STELLAR))))))))))))))))))))

[gsleader]

{{{{MUAH}}}}} {{{{{MISH}}}}}}} Stellar

I am so sorry to hear about your experience with your "SO CALLED" friend. I agree with everyone else it seems she is just looking out for "CAMMY" not anyone else. I wanna say blow that party and forget that gift but you are BETTER then she is. Get her the gift certificate and throw a few veggies on a tray or maybe bring something that she didn't ask for
I wish I could tell you what you should do but I know that whatever decision you make would be what is right for you.
I like the idea of having a "mommy party" That is a great idea.
Although today I don't feel like being a mommy. My darling son decided to do laundry for me today. I asked him this morning to take the white clothes out of the washer and put them in the dryer. Then I asked him to put 2 tablets (they come in packs of 2 tablets) (I buy the Wisk tablets it is so much easier than pouring the liquid in) in the washer and just put the dark clothes in. WELL he decided he was going to help mommy and put some bleach in the bleach dispenser (because he had seen me do it before (but only with whites I told him) )and start the washer. Well I had my two new pants and new top and new red sweater in there. Thank Goodness he started it at the end of the cycle. My new black pants got some bleach spots on the bottom of the legs and I think my shirt and jeans and sweater is okay. I guess I will find out once they dry. I did get some bleach on the B O O B part of my new shirt that I am wearing today don't know how it got there it could of happened while I was unloading the washer. I am not mad at him I am just upset. I don't have a whole lot of clothes as it is and those were my new work clothes. Oh well I guess life goes on. I told my co-worker maybe I should eat all the candy, chocolate and anything I can find and I can fit into my old clothes.

Amy

[luvmyboxerpup]

Totally agree with everyone. Go to the party bring a nice gift and be as gracious as ever-But I wouldn't go through too much trouble!
Show her what its like to have a little class!

Maybe after its all over you can talk to her about how it hurt, and about you wanting to start some kind of tradition for your little family. But its never too late to do that-with or without her.
My husband came from a dys. family from the word go! Never had birthday parties-never vacationed-just never acknowledged anything as a family unit. Of course my family is just the opposite. I mean I threw my dog a birthday party a couple of weeks ago! He's used to that kind of thing now and he knows how imortant it is for kids to have that kind of thing. He tells me often that he's glad we do this kind of thing for Ryan (our son)-because he never had those kind of memories.

So, I guess my point is-Start your own traditions and memories. Your child will be so thankful for it.

Oh yeah, I was gonna say, I know its hard to get past bitter feelings, but you have to.
Try~try~ try. That kind of negativity is not good for you.

[ October 17, 2002, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: luvmyboxerpup ]

[Phoenix Artist]

Stellar,
I have a question...who is throwing this shower? Is she giving it for herself? (Tacky, tacky, tacky!) Or is a family member or friend doing it? In either case, it is her/their responsibility to do the invitations and food.
Is she just demanding that you be in charge? In that case, do what you want to do. Invite who you want, provide whatever food you want, and if she doesn't like it tough!!
I'm sorry but this "friend" is very selfish and self-centered.
As for a gift, you are not obligated to get her anything, but if you wish to give her something for the baby get something you feel comfortable giving her. I don't care how much money your hubby makes...that does not obligate you to buy expensive gifts.

[Wicca]

OK, I agree wholeheartedly that "Cammy" is a self-serving "high-maintenance" (HM) friend. And that if all you did was show up with a gift certificate and a card...I wouldn't blame you for it at all.

Now here's the kicker...How much do you like her inspite of her pain-in-the-***** qualities and more importantly how important is your friendship?

I have two friends that are very similar to "Cammy" but inspite of their qualities I still love them and value our friendship. One goes all the way back to high school...and we enlisted in the Air Force together went through basic together and everything. A long history and even though she's HM I still love her lots and trully value our friendship. The other...basically same story...hubby and I met her & her hubby in the Air Force. All four of us were in, met and married off and were at the same base all 4 years. We now moved and live in California because of them. The wife is very HM and a bit on the biothcy and selfish side...but again...we have a history and I still value our friendship with them very much.

So long story short...if you value the relationship...then I would go just far enough not to damage it. In other words bring an appetizer, tell your friends...don't push just tell them about the party and that they are invited, and bring a gift (what ever dollar amount YOU feel is appropriate...not her) If you WANT to spend more on her and get her the seat then do it but if you don't then don't

If you could honestly say good ridance to the friendship and you really couldn't care one way or the other if she ever speaks to you again...then feel free to be spiteful, she does deserve it after all.

This is about YOU and what YOU want...not her. Personally, I'm a friendly and giving person by nature...and just because someone else acts like a B*itch...well, I'm not going to let that change who I am but at the same time...I'm not going to spend a bunch of money and go out of my way for someone I couldn't give a rat's *** about just because they THINK it's MY responsibility to do so

Good Luck!!
*mish*
Vicki

[ohiosearcher]

Women!!!!!!

Can you picture a man talking about something like this?

I know it is important to you, I am just trying to lighten up the mood.

[TameraZ]

Stellar, I say go to the shower, be a class act, and take the appropriate gift. You are a friend, NOT the grandmother to be - you shouldn't be expected to provide a huge gift or wardrobe for the baby on your own. As for food, did you volunteer to help with the shower? Because if you are an invited guest rather than a hostess, there is no reason for you to provide refreshments. Your friend sounds a little confused when it comes to social etiquette.

As for your feelings, there comes a point where you have to let that negativity go. I know it's difficult but it isn't hurting her at all - it's a burden that you have been carrying and I think it's time to let that weight off your shoulders. I totally understand your feelings. When I was expecting my last child, we all knew he was the last and he was the first grandson after 7 grandaughters so it was a big deal. I had asked my sisters to be in the delivery and wanted my mom there to share it. My oldest sister lives out of state and her daughter had a baby in February. My baby was due in April. My niece decided to "bless" her baby at their church over Easter weekend which was right when my baby was due. When my mom told me about it, I was shocked because they could have the blessing anytime - it didn't even have to be done on a Sunday. My mom was trying to please everyone and kept saying "Well I'm sure you won't have the baby then!" I was so emotional with hormones and hurt feelings over it, all I could do was cry. I KNEW that I would have the baby that weekend and most of my family was planning to go out of town to attend the blessing. I was bitter and angry - my husband didn't think it was a big deal but it was to me. I had been pregnant for 9 months and my due date was no secret! It wasn't like I could tell the baby not to come that weekend because it wasn't convenient! So I had to line up neighbors to watch the girls because they were supposed to be with family while I delivered the baby. Of course I ended up having him that Friday. My dad insisted they stay in town until I had the baby since I was already in labor so my sisters got to see him arrive - my mom didn't make it to the hospital in time because they were packing. Then everyone left and that was it. I was very hurt and angry at my sister and niece for putting everyone in the position where they felt like they had to choose between us. It made me out to be the bad guy because I wanted help. The whole thing got pretty ugly and I still get upset when I think about it. But the reality is, people do what they want and the fact that it may hurt others doesn't always affect how they choose to do things. My parents felt torn between children and grandchild/great-grandchild. I felt abandoned and my oldest sister would have felt the same way if they hadn't come for the blessing. It was a no-win situation all around, one that could have easily been avoided, but c'est la vie. I now have a healthy, adorable son and that's most important to me.

I'm sorry you had to experience that because believe me, we've all had let downs in our lives too and can relate to how you felt. But it's past you now and it's time to move on. If this friendship is really important to you, nurture it and move on. If it's not important to you, attend the shower with grace and then get on with your life and focus on what's good for you now. That's all that you can do and you'll be a better person for it.

[mommy of twins]

I wouldnt give her ****.

But, thats just my opinion....

Mer

[blondy]

She told you want kind of food to bring Oh my gosh that is enough to make me totally pi$$ed! I think she sounds like a spoiled brat I would'nt even take any food, but I would get something for the baby And I would tell your other friends about the shower and if they wanted to go good then if they did'nt then she should try to take a look at herself and ask why no one came Personally I would buy the little baby something and the heck with the rest Gosh I sound sooooo mean GOODLUCK

[cougarbabe]

I'm the kind of person that would just tell her to kiss my *** ! You don't need friends like her.

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