[Runr]

To all the mothers out there, thank you for your wonderful posts. I have no children, but still read your posts because I am amazed at how you all are able to accomplish so much!!

My Question: I will be spending 11 days with my entire family (minus one sister) for the Dec. holidays. I am already starting to dread it. (obvious, I am talking about it now!) How do I survive all the little, negative comments about EVERYTHING? (hair color/length, job, weight, choices in men etc) And, how, after 32 years of life, do I get out of being the "baby of the family"?? Please help me understand the Parent's view point! Please give me suggestions! Or, tell me I am completely nuts, and need to return to my "lerking" status! I'm sorry this doesn't directly deal with weightloss/Phen, but, in the end, it will have a direct effect!! (I will eat like a mad woman to deal with the stress!)

[Chelle_1]

Most of the time I dread going to see the whole family for the holidays too. I hear the same kinds of things you do when I go...hair, weight, choices in men, etc. So, last year I just didn't go. I spent it with my kids, my mom and step dad only. I didn't feel wrong or guilty. You can't choose your family...but if you could there would be some I'd choose not to be related to. If your friends treated you that way you wouldn't be friends with them anymore would you? Don't worry about what anyone else thinks....if you don't want to go then don't and don't feel guilty about it. If you feel you must go then stand your ground. You may be the baby but you are 32 years old and let them know that. (I am 31 by the way.)I know it's easier said then done but try not to turn to food when you're stressed during the holidays. I gained a lot of weight over winter 2000/2001 and that's why I'm on phen now. But I've lost a total of 28 lbs. Some of it I lost before I started phen but most of it is from taking phen. Part of the reason I believe I was overeating was because I stopped smoking in January. Some people really fear weight gain if they stop smoking so they don't stop. But I didn't let that get in my way. I am smoke free and the thinnest I've been in 4 yrs. If I keep it up I'll soon be thinner than I was in high school. I know this is becoming long...but don't worry yourself over what your family thinks. I know others who dread going to their families too. But it's ok if you just decide not to go. Sometimes it's best to distance ourselves from people who make us feel that way. If you go make the best of it and let me know what happens.

[canyonbabe]

Runr, I am also the baby of the family, and the like it or not you will always be the baby, I'm 42 and my sisters still think I'm 5, lol. I always was daddys little girl until he passed away 2 years ago, that was a plus for me. I'm lucky because my parents never butted into my business. How have you responded when they do something like pick on your hair color, I'd tell them I like the color of my hair, that's why I chose it. And that I'd appreacite if they don't have something positive to say to please keep their comments to themselves. Stand strong and proud of your choices in life. People can't walk on you if you don't let them. They may be your family but they need to show you the same respect that they would expected to be treated. I know this is easier said than done, but you have a bit of time to practice. So stand strong. You'll be glad you did.

[AG]

Hi Runr,

Welcome to phenlandia

(I don't know how to insert those fancy banners so I put in extra smiles).

That's a tough one. I do think it can be related to weight issues, especially if you are eating to "swallow" your frustration about the inappropriate comments. So, it is appropriate to have posted the question. Anyway, it's o.k. to post non related topics too!

I think you have made an important step in recognizing that this creates anxiety for you, and in also seeing the link to non-hunger eating as a result.

I also have a critical family, my mother in particular, who are critical about my appearance, my hair, my lack of make-up, my weight, my house ("why do you need such a big house for the two of you?"), my dog, my travel plans, you name it.

I think one of the first things to confirm for yourself is that you are not deserving of these types of comments AND they do not reflect who you are.

Second I think it is important to practice some non-emotional responses to the negative remarks.


"I like this outfit and wear it often."

"I can't imagine why you would be interested in how much money I earn."

"I am happy with my salary."

"My car meets my present needs."

"I'm sorry you don't like my hair color. I'm pleased with it." - I'm not sure an apology is necessary but if you want to soften your response this is one way to do it.

"I am enjoying my hair at this length."

"I am satisfied with _____ and do not have any plans to change it."

"My weight is a personal matter."


Practice saying these things in a non-emotional, pleasant way. Don't engage your family members in a discussion about it - try to make it clear by your tone and posture that it is not a subject on which you wish to dwell. If you need to repeat the same phrase more than once - do so.

Do not apologize, or appear uncertain about your choices. (It is important for you to feel empowered about your choices. If your hair is screaming purple and you like it that way, then you should not engage in a debate about it with anyone). I am not being sarcastic, at one point my hair was purple and everyone, except surprisingly my grandmother, had negative comments. The fact that it was purple was really not the point because they have negative comments no matter if it is short, long, curly, straigt . . .

If you need combat tactics for the more persistant members you can say things like:

"Who I date is my personal choice and I will not discuss it with you."

"It hurts my feelings when you day things like that, and it makes it difficult for me to be open to and with you."

"I insist that you respect my ability to choose my own friends."

"My first priority is pleasing myself. Thus, I cannot weigh whether you are going to approve of my clothing in my choices."

"My weight is off-limits, and cannot be included in our conversation."


I know that these statements sound harsh, but put them into your own words. It is important for you to establish some boundries with your family so that they will learn that it is not o.k. for them to make negative, hurtful comments to you.

If you are like me the other more isidious impact of negative comments has been damage to my self-esteem. To help repair that damage I saw a therapist. My lack of self-esteem was a key reason for my emotional eating and resulting weight issue. Alas, when we figure these things out we still have to lose the weight. Wouldn't it be wonderful if it evaporated when we dealt with our emotional issues.

Depending upon your relationships with the members of your family you may be able to talk with them before the holiday and tell them how hurtful their comments are. I was able to do this with my sisters and my dad but my mom would not engage me in this difficult conversation.

Let me know how you are.

Best wishes to you,

Abbi

[Sammi Rose]

Runr,
I'm another "baby" who is 41. Abbi is right on target with her suggesions. The only thing I can add is that the best defense is feeling good about yourself. People who criticize others usually don't feel good about themselves. It's the old standard emotional pitfall- make yourself feel better by making someone else feel bad.

Well, I guess I do have a second suggestion. Build a scheduled time into each and every day to exercise. It's a great stress reliever and it will get you away from your family! It will also give you time alone to validate your choices and to reaffirm that you know and do what is best for you.

[Runr]

Thanks for everyone's response. I am going to print it and save it so it is fresh in my memory. The advice is great, and I will use the responses! I am happy to know that others go through the same thing! I will do my best to stand my ground. It is amazing that at work I can be big, strong lady, and then at home I turn into a mouse!!

Chelle_1, Canyonbabe, AG, and SammiRose, thanks for the advice!!

[AG]

Hi,

Me again. Sammi Rose's suggestion (which I think is great) reminded me of something else I have done.

After one particularly miserable visit (Thanksgiving) I stayed in a hotel the next time. I had mixed feelings - part of me was really sad to do this, but I had such a much more relaxed visit it was worth it.

There is much to be gained by clearing a space for yourself within your family.

I'm originally from Ohio. I was born in Lima and my parents moved to the big city - Akron when I was four. I've lived on the east coast since college. My husband - native Philadelphian - calls me his "lima bean". (He also asks me every time we see a car with Ohio plates "Hon do you know those people?" Even after twenty years I still think it's funny). It's always nice to be reminded of my home state.

Best wishes,

Abbi

[Runr]

Thanks again AG! Just a quick follow-up. I spoke to my parents after the reservations were made, and started to lay a bit of ground-work......I told them we needed to have a relaxing Christmas, and focus on being a family rather than tearing it down. They actually sounded excited!!

Still going to stack the suitcase with a bit of alcohol......just in case!! Thanks again for the help!!

[AG]

Dear Runr,

I really am happy to hear that your parents were receptive. Sometimes people fall into bad habits and don't realize the impact they are having on others.

The postive outcome of raising the topic with my family is that I have a much better relationship with my dad now - he calls just to tell me that he loves me!!! It is almost impossible to appreciate how dramatic this is. We had barely been on speaking terms before.

As I said earlier, it did not improve my relationship with my mother, but that sometimes happens.

I have high hopes for you!!

Best wishes,

Abbi

p.s. make sure you pad those bottles well so they won't break when your lugggage goes through baggage claim.

[back on board]

i am 31, but almost always feel like a child in the presence of my parents. i used to think i had mental issues, but now i beleive that it was growing up in their home. somehow being around them brings back so many memories of childhood, many of which i would like to forget. i am an only child, so it was difficult to escape their constant criticism and anger. now that i have a home and family of my own, i see that their anger was directed at one another, even though they blamed me for most of our family problems. their problems are still there, but i am not the cause of them.

i have no advice, but i understand your feelings and wish you the very best. holidays can be such a challenge, when it should be such a joyous time.