[Loving Me]

This is my first thread so please bare with me. Many of you know beyond the challenges of weight loss we are facing TONS of other obsticles, especially in the department of LOVE. Anyway, I would like to share with you all what happen to me last night...because I can't stop crying. I went out last night with an ex boyfriend.This person and I dated 4 years ago and we were truly in love. Everything was great and three months into our relationship he found out his ex girlfriend (the girl before me) was pregnant by HIM. He stepped up to the plate immediately! He went to all her doctors appointments and really wanted to be a father to his child. Of course, I was fine with that until the ex girlfriend started to get feelings for him again. She was young and immature; she began to harrass me. I guess she was jealous because he was in a new relationship and she wanted them to be "a family". She stole my number out of his phone and gave it to all her friends and they would call all day and night. Anyway, after months of that I got tired and left the relationship. I loved this guy so much and I could accept the fact that he had a child on the way because it was concieved before I got in the picture, but I could NOT accept the "BABY MOMMA DRAMA". Futhermore, part of me thought that once his child was born he would want to try and make things work with his ex girlfriend for the child's sake, so I thought I would get hurt in the end anyway. The break up was hurtful for both of us and when it was over I cut off all ties. I even went as far as changing my number. Well, 4 years later he seen one of our mutual friends who gave him my number. To make a long story short me called me about a month ago and we have been talking and texting everyday, ALL DAY since then. Well of course we have both moved on to other relationships. HERE'S THE KICKER...my ex boyfriend is now engaged to be married (NOT to the mother of his child; they never got back together). The wedding is in 3 WEEKS!!! When he asked me to go out with him I wanted to say NO but I did anyway. I went out with him last night and had the time of my LIFE! We laughed, talked, took a carriage ride through downtown Chicago, went to Dave and Busters to play video games and went out for drinks. Towards the end of the evening, we decided to take a walk by Lake Michigan and look at the downtown Chicago skyline (it's the most beautiful site you will ever see). He grabbed my hand, I pulled back because my heart started racing. My ex boyfriend turned to me instead and said, "I made the biggest mistake of my life by letting you go 4 years ago, I have regretted it all these years. You taught me how to love and losing you was like losing a part of me. (a tear went down his eyes; and he is NOT a crier) As he went on to say, ' I realize after tonight I am getting ready to marry the second best, because I am standing here now with the love of my life. I'm still in love with you and I don't know what to do!" Then of course I began to cry. I truth was I NEVER forgot about him and he was the BEST guy I have EVER dated; even though I to had gotten engaged but recently called it off due to unforseen circumstances. Anyway, I was ready to go home by then. The drive back to my house was long and silent. He begged me to say something and I couldn't. He said, " I don't want to break my fiancee's heart but my heart won't let you go. I'm SO confused." We pulled up in front of my house, I jumped out the car and ran in my house. I sobbed SO hard when I shut that door. I peeked out the window and my ex boyfriend had his head on the stearing wheel...he took one more look at my house and drove off. Now I am stuck, confused and hurt. I don't understand why he called me after all these years or why I entertained the conversations knowing he was getting married so soon? I do know that I still have VERY strong feelings for him. Truthfully, I don't want him to get married. What should I do and how should I get over this? Please any advice would help!

[Raquel]

I'm so sorry your heart hurts.

[Sweet_Girl]

Wow! All I can say is wow! Sounds like a movie, except it isn't. I hope you feel better and I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. I dont know what to say except think about it long and hard.....i hope the best for you.

[Ronda033]

OH my gosh, talk about made for TV movie!
OK, here is my two cents, for whatever it's worth.
Obviously both of you are still hung up on each other and never forgot about those feelings. I would say if he tells the finacee RIGHT NOW that he has to end the relationship, and walks away from the wedding, then you should at least see if you two can have something together. However, DO NOT let him have both of you. You are worth more than that and don't need to be second best in anyone's life.

IF he isn't willing to call off the wedding to pursue things with you, then one of two things is happening.
!. He is getting cold feet and just wants to see if he is making the right decision. Then he needs to figure that out on his own, and you don't need to get involved.
2. He wants you and the fiancee (cake and eat it too), and isn't willing to leave her. Don't let him do that to you!

I feel so sad for you. We have all been through more heart ache than we deserve. Keep your chin up and please keep us all posted!

[MICHMICH805]

EITHER WAY THE KEY WORD WILL BE "TIME". IF HE BREAKS OFF HIS ENGAGEMENT, RE-ESTABLISHING YOUR PREVIOUS RELATION WILL TAKE TIME. FOR HIS TO DECIDE HE WANTS TO RE-ESTABLISH WILL TAKE TIME. IF DECIDE TO REMAIN WITH HIS FIANCEE, THEN YOUR HEART WILL TAKE TIME TO HEAL. JUST GIVE THIS SITUATION TIME A.S.A.P. (ALWAYS STAY IN PRAYER).

[Chrissie_M]

Oh...sigh...Wow. {{{HUG}}}
I know your story too well. Every story and every person is way different, but I lived a story so so much like yours that the similarities are scary. There never was, and never will BE, another guy with whom I connect in the same way as with my guy from the past. WHILE we were dating, he got his EX wife pregnant -- yep. Needless to say, that was the end for us. Or so I thought. A couple of years later he looks me up, we go out, we fall back into the same warm, giggling, silly, oh-so-wonderful feeling we had before. But, at the back of my mind, there is the nagging, and the fear and the CERTAIN KNOWLEDGE that he was able to turn his back (and raise his ****) with someone else. Trust and respect are the foundations of every relationship and I felt he had pretty much damaged both of those beyond repair. How do you feel about your guy? My only advise at this point would be to say: You NEED to talk. You NEED to know where he stands and who he is now. People do grow, and change.

In the end, the following quote helped me with MY decision. I don't know if you will find it useful in your case, but for what its worth, here it is anyway:

"You will encounter people during your life's journey whom can walk away from you. When a person is capable of walking away from you, you must allow them to walk. Don't try to talk another person into calling you, coming to see you, staying attached to you, caring about you or loving you. Your destiny and your life's story is never tied to someone who put enough effort into their actions to be able to walk away, even once. The emotional disinterest and energy a person employs to be capable of physically separating themselves from you is significant.


A person is only capable of leaving you because he/she is not connected to you in a deep, meaningful, spiritual way. The person is not joined to you – and if they are not joined on the inside to you, there is nothing you can apply or employ on the outside to make them 'stick.' Recognize that this relationship was only a cycle and is now completed, and don't continue trying to raise the dead. Allow them to go, and gently close the door behind them.

[Cmarie123]

WOW! I agree, give it some time. If he doesn't want to make the biggest mistake of his life twice, he will do the right thing and call the wedding off. I would give him some space and see what happens. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

[Pialyn]

Oh Girl!!!!!!

I agree partially w/ Ronda "IF he isn't willing to call off the wedding to pursue things with you, then one of two things is happening.
!. He is getting cold feet and just wants to see if he is making the right decision. Then he needs to figure that out on his own, and you don't need to get involved.
2. He wants you and the fiancee (cake and eat it too), and isn't willing to leave her. Don't let him do that to you!"

AND, you are beautiful and sound intelligent so my advice is to try to move on and let him figure out his own situations. It seems he likes knowing you are there to fall back to when his "choices" don't work out. To hook up with you weeks before he is supposed to be married is a red flag. He should not use you as a reason to end his engagement. I am sure there are other things wrong that he's not telling you. He didn't come back to you after his 'baby mama drama' but went on to another relationship instead? I know it's hard but make sure you are the number one priority and make him deal with his own drama filled life before you decide to re-involve yourself. Of course, that's my own "humble" opinion. I don't know your age or other experiences in life but I'm 45, seen a lot, done alot and like a lot of people I've had to make some hard decisions too. If you don't put yourself and your needs first you will be miserable. I am happily married, 2nd time around.

[Ibsly271]

Me - I say "GO FOR IT" What do you have to lose? If it doesn't work out then you know and can move on with your life and stop thinking about him for good. He is the one who is in the biggest predicament! Similar thing happened to me - but my ex was married. We saw each other 5 years after we broke off our engagement and he was married. We had some drinks and talked for hours - then 3 months later he called my parents for my phone number and told me that he and his wife had separated. He divorced 2 months after the separation and we just had our 5 year anniversary on May 2 and I couldn't be happier!

[cass123456]

iAM SO SORRY THAT UR GOING THROUGH THIS GIVE IT TIME .....(HUGS)

[Melinda00]

I understand your frustration. I had a similar exsperiance. I do wan't to say that when it comes to break-ups you tend to remember the good things after it is over and not the bad things. I know it is hard but remember the reasons you left to begin with. He sounds like he is confused and don't know what he wants. I think maybe the thought of getting married scared him. It may just be cold feet.
If you do want to be with after considering everything, i would make sure he cut off all ties with the fiance and take it slow. You don't want to put yourself all out there. If you keep letting him back and fourth he is going to think he can keep coming back and fourth and you will be hurt again.
I wish you luck. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[Loving Me]

You guys are FANTASIC and each of you have a special part in my heart for truly caring about my circumstances. Well I have come to a conclusion . He (my ex boyfriend) has invested $30,000 in a wedding, gave his fiancee a 3 carat engagement ring and is currently getting a $286,000 house built. Before I came into the picture (4 years later), he had to have seen something in this woman that he came to the serious conclusion that she was worthy enough for him to spend the rest of his life with. I believe that he loved me, for some reason our journey was NOT meant to last a LIFETIME. My grandmother ALWAYS said, "God places people in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime." And our season was over long ago. Ronda~ I think you were right! It's more cold feet and it has nothing to do with me. Yes, he probably still has feelings for me but like Mich Mich said there has to be something more to the story. I am at a vulnerable point in my life and the truth is I'm still in love with my ex fiancee, but I got caught in the moment with my ex boyfriend because my ex fiancee and I are not together at the moment. My ex boyfriend is charming, sweet, funny and VERY financially stable which can be luring to a hurting, BROKE and lonely person like myself. It was NEVER an option for me to be the mistress once he got married. That would have only rebirthed the drama and heart ache. So I have learned that sometimes we have to keep the memories and remember the good times, but that doesn't mean it's meant for that person to be an asset in your life again. We had a great date and it was the CLOSER we never had! I wish him the best of luck in his marriage and it seems like I have some healing of my own to do. So, I am working on my outter and inner apprearance. It's all the harsh realities of life's test and the steps we must take to become complete. Thanks again ladies !

[Ronda033]

Oh I am so PROUD! You sound so level-headed and really smart. I don't think you needed us to tell you what to do, just needed some support and a shoulder to lean on.
You made the right decision and you will be happier for it. Just be grateful for the good times you did have together and move on.
THE RIGHT ONE WILL COME ALONG! I promise you that.
I am glad you are feeing better about everything.

I am in Chicago too (in the burbs) so PM me any time!
Take care.