Fat and Single...Need a story of hope! Your thoughts?.

[2Bslimagain]

At the end of this month it will be 7 years since my husband died. I am still single.

I don't know how to date or meet people anymore, but has anyone else noticed that men want HWP... even when they are overweight? I guess this has kept me at home waiting for Mr. Wonderful (who is suddenly single) to knock on my door

My confidence is lying at the bottom of a trunk in the rafters of my attic and I realize to get it back I will need to sweat a lot and reach beyond my self-concept carefully remodelled by a bad relationship that I wouldn't let go.. because I was so afraid of having no one. I have been totally single for over a year now and wonder does Fat and Single go together?

I am observing men my age seeking younger women...guess I never noticed this fact when I was younger! Most men want petite or slim. The statistics say that obesity is an epidemic in the U.S. and Europe, are they all married?

Okay... where am I going with this? I just need some encouragement, this anniversary of my husband's death. He was awesome. A great husband and wonderful friend. I want to lose weight for my health but also so I will be social again, wanting to meet others and find love again.

Any ideas? I am optimistic about my weight loss, but have a few friends who are overweight and go out, and they feel the same way.

[PrinCessNapalo]

I feel the same way you do BUT also at the same time people need to know you On the inside and not just the outside I to am not happy with my weight I have 4 children just had my last 3 months ago and weigh Now 185 I have lost 1o lbs in a week I am determined for ME not for anyone one else You need to want to do things for You not for anyone else It makes a very Big difference I am very sorry about your husband and wish you the best of Luck and just wanted to say hi because I know how it is to feel alone Keep your chin up and get that will power and You will succeed! Goood Luck ! :spider_red:

[L J]

I am fat and single too, to use your own words. I have never experienced anything as tragic as the death of a spouse, and I cannot begin to imagine how deeply that has impacted all areas of your life.
The past two guys that I have dated... they were just complete losers. This first was a rich and sucessful loser, but a loser, nonetheless. I can't seem to find a guy that doesn't want to use me as a punching bag.

I don't have any idea what to tell you about getting out and meeting people. If I figure it out, I will let you know, if you promise to do the same if you figure it out first.

I have pretty much cut myself off from the world, a gradual process over the past two years that has landed me right where I am today- with no real friends, no significant other, and absolutely no self esteem.

Now, I could give you the same advice that many a therapist has tried to shove down my throat in the past year or so ("Join a club, take a 'fun' night-class, put up an online personal ad, go to church...") but I know just as well as I am sure you do that it is much easier said than done.

Anyway, I probably haven't helped matters any, I am sorry I don't have any useful advice or words of wisdom, but hey- at least you know you aren't alone! Feel free to e-mail me if you want to chat.

Laura

[Kell]

I hear ya! It's hard to feel confident about meeting people when you don't feel comfortable with yourself. I am single now and have almost 3-year-old twins so keep busy and am not really looking at the moment. I'm 30 now and my dream of being married to the same person for 40+ years is fading. I am working on myself right now and when I am there, hopefully it will be easier and I will feel more confident again! I am trying to stay positive!! Now, that's not to say I don't have a "maintenance man" though! ;)

Kell

[babydoll2]

L.J. you're not fat. I can only dram of being 145lb again.

[califmtbguy]

I can't really disagree with anything you said because I see single guys everywhere trying for the skinniest, youngest, and most beautiful girl they can afford. However, I will tell you from first hand experience that the chase for this gets old and the longer somebody is single the less important those things become. The trouble is that 30-something divorced single people are getting their first taste of freedom in a while and it takes a couple of years to grow through that process. I can't defend the actions, but I have a lot of single friends and all of them (male and female) have gone through this cycle in one form or another.

My best advice is to find an activity you enjoy doing. Something you can do alone or with a group. Preferably something that involves exercise. Get out, lose the weight slowly and you'll be where you want to be in no time.
Good luck!!!

[babagrlshell]

I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but I am going to anyway. You have to love yourself again before you can love someone else. You have to find a purpose in your life. I know the death of a spouse is a hard thing to cope with, but you have to know that he could not want you to live your life sad, lonely, and un-confident. You have to find something that makes you happy, gives you a purpose. Try volunteering at a retirement home, or a children's home. If you have a pet, often they have pet programs that you can take your pet to visit the elderly. Start a walking club with your friends, have one night a week (or a month if its too busy for weekly) where you all have a pot luck dinner, and each brings a new friend or co-worker or relative to it. This way, you can meet new people without the expectation of maintaining a long term friendship or relationship. Just meeting new people will help you break out of your shell.
I've learned that when people look for relationships because they are afraid of being alone, leads to more lonliness. This person isn't going to fill those needs.

I know we all wish to snap our fingers and make it like it was. Unfortunately, God has other plans.

Granted- I agree that losing some weight can do wonders for your self- confidence. I'm there. BUT- I was looking back at old pictures of myself when I was 155 or even 140 in high school (yes I'm young in age, but knowledgeable) and looking in disbelief and couldn't believe how bad I felt about myself then. Weight is not going to make you happy, not for the long term.

Have you considered looking online (recent topic posted about this) for friends. Not a husband, boyfriend, just a friend to spend time with. People to talk to. I am sure there are people who have been in the exact same situation as you and could relate better. And they may be able to give you advice on how to deal with the grief you obviously still feel. I know you are always going to love your first husband. I'm not saying you shouldn't. I am just suggesting looking for those friend making sites that may have people who are in the same boat. That way, the boat won't be so lonely out in that huge ocean.
My prayers are with you and good luck with your weight loss (journey to health).

[Dawndownunder.]

You can be much lonlier in a bad relationship than you could ever be alone. Like the song says, dont hurry love. try to get out socially with other men and women, join a social club, go to classes..just get yourself out there.
and if you just heppen to meet mr right, then that will be the icing on the cake, not the cake.

[EBONY POETESS]

:heartpump: hubby is still with you boo :heartpump:

Let me tell you girl I have been a size 6 to a 24 and I'v dated alot! big or small if a man aint chit he aint chit! being smaller is not an invitation to love,you just a wider variety of weirdos and a good ***hole if you're lucky!A real man will not just see you for a perfect shape and a pretty face because even some those women are the most lonliest women alive!Also it might be you comparing the other men to the wonderful angel you called husband :heartpump:
Get out girl! fix your hair nice and your makeup and wear the most complimenting outfit and lift your head high and walk as if you are a size 9!
I use to feel the way you do until I met so many mr. do everything but love me and i got tired being abused and used and unhappy just to say I have a man!I have seen this happen to too many overweight women and butholes playing on their low self esteem.I am overweight and I have a guy and he is not what I dreamed but he is all the man I need in my life at the point i am at in my life.And if he does not work out I still have my self worth and self confidence and my prayers for God to send me someone who's real and right for me!And if that does not happen ever I'll be a bitter lady with 12 cats and a moo moo with a banjo on my knee and a supply of old grandad whiskey :blabla: Everything will be alright trust me! :heartpump: :heartpump:

[coco-pebbles-aholic]

Dawn u r too right girlfriend!It is lonelier in a bad relationship then by urself sometimes.

2bslim,Others have walked the same path.

Sometimes we women tend to look over the good guys.For all the same reasons we expect them to look over us.His job ain't the "right job",he's too skinny,too fat,or he's just ugly(like we ain't never said that about a man.).We need to re-define what is a good man.Seriously.

Get a piece of paper and write down 2 columns.Label 1 Acceptable/the 2nd Never Ever.Then write down in each what u want in a man & the other what u would never ever accept in a man.Be realistic.Lemme just say my acceptable was like had to own a Bible,be employed,and a few other things.Now u know where u stand and what u want.Don't sway from ur list.Becaz there is no need to compromise urself.

Now begin ur mission.Never pass up a chance to meet someone.Never be ashamed to let people know u r single & available.Don't ever walk by a man without saying hello with a smile.Be approachable & friendly.Don't forget everyone needs someone and that includes the janitor.So don't pass up a man even if he is only a janitor caz at least it is a legal job with benefits!Re-define what is important and judge a man only as u wanna be judged.

I found happiness in someone who was in front of me the whole time I was looking.Who looked passed all my faults.Accepts my 2 daughters.Didn't mind my stretch marks and all my physical defects~I call them defects he calls them cute!.....

Sister-phrend there is hope.Patience & a smile that is all u need.

[L J]

Originally posted by babydoll2:
L.J. you're not fat. I can only dram of being 145lb again. Its all a matter of perspective.

[lisaincharlotte]

I had this friend since junior high who was very overweight all through school (about 5'3" and 250 lbs min.). As you could probably guess (since kids are cruel), she never had a boyfriend and thought that she would never meet anyone. When she was 21 or 22, she was in an online chat room and started a friendship with a guy from London. They met, fell in love, and are happily married for I think 5 or 6 years now. He wasn't bad looking, had a great personality, and of course, the wonderful accent. Accepted her as she was. There are good guys out there!

[Nitra]

Ah most of you have not heard of my Cinderella story. I was here a long time ago and pop in to read from time to time. I was far from thin when I met my hubby, I wore a size 16 on a good day. I was out living life, not really wanting to meet anyone, dating 3 guys and just enjoying myself. Being overweight did not stop me from living or keep me from trying to look my best. Anywho I was on a cruise, alone, and walked into the nightclub and was smacked upside my head by cupid. My hubby worked on the ship as a bar waiter, we both stopped dead in our tracks and just looked at each other and smiled. Long story short, we talked as much as possible, and by the end of the cruise, 7 days he asked me to marry him, we were married 3 months later, that was over 3 yrs ago. He is from Turkey. We now own a home and are happy, even with all the challenges we face with cultural differences and immigration crap. In essence, stop looking, start living, enjoy life to the fullest, learn to be happy alone and do things alone and that special person will fall right into your lap when you least expect it.

Us on our "first" date
http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0TADwAj4YdsSr6jRwRzRpXqm7Je6Oy8HNwUvWn1XDnVcsnW7yl 63D868LOj6NOb2WEboAVRYHW9nngJD8kaOwMlL1BO1kgi6UGCq wBajtl!7AT%2al76KcTSg/CarlosnCharlies.jpg

Our first time in Turkey together.. about 2 months after we got married
http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0RQAjA20VrPx781cIly04t!uSnVxUIycwATBoTgFwrcD4uelxt 5C2nimK9BWTXj3R6xn!%2aiikLaJha1EWDPqi!YlvzCpXIb4MC Ak8m5XhlQc/usturkey.JPG

and Salih just the other day in our front yard
http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0RQD1ApwTMYkxj78VW5nkMUP2mx7fP1Ljb0k!RFZg4OqwFOkJ0 Vr3WaD5mg08w!cFNg1tINrt%2a!WcgoV7u3FjiIZgW0yLtZzBY H6Ih3vokmg/101_0073.JPG

so happiness can be found.. just stop looking and worrying and get to living!

[L J]

AWW!!! Nitra, y'all are so cute together! Thank you for sharing your story! You are right- the first step is defiantely to start living- the rest surely will happen on its own!

[Jonathan]

This is a topic that has always been close to my heart...at 30 years old I have been alone for the past 10 years, now having officially spent my 20's by myself. If you were to have told me that in high school, I'm not sure what my response would have been. For one, it doesn't help that I am gay and have about a 3% selection base to begin with. Almost everyone is 10 to 20 years older than me. Just because other men are gay also doesn't mean that we automatically click. We have preferences and different interests too. And when you're dealing with such a tiny fraction of the population chances are you're not going to find someone that has similar interests. So about two years ago I came to the conclusion that I could either be miserable with someone I have no interest in, or be by myself.

It hurts. It hurts because I take such great care of myself today, after having lost this weight, and I go out and see straight people frankly look downright hideous and they not only have dates, but marriages and children. I see that and I just shake my head. It's so unfair. You do all this work on yourself in hopes of finding someone special and there is absolutely nobody. I'm not trying to downplay the significance of your loss or your prospects, but I don't think anyone straight can truly understand what it means to be REALLY alone. My choices are so limited that I would realistically have to move to new cities just to find a variety in selection. It's that difficult. I have not met one person - even for coffee - in five years. It's the same guys all the time, and I already know all of them.

I did have a relationship ten years ago, but relationships between two men are very much power struggles and usually don't last too long. He wanted to leave, and did so. At that time I did not know I would be waiting ten years to find someone again. So my battles with food (which I thought were over in my childhood) came back, and food became the replacement for never getting hugged or touched or noticed. It's really really difficult to be 23, 28 years old and not have anyone even notice you. Especially the people you are attracted to the most that you'd do anything for and they just walk by like you're not even there. So to combat that pain let's go to Dairy Queen! Phentermine helped me in that respect - to control what I was eating and why. And slowly move that into exercise or just doing something other than sit here and wonder how I'm going to live the next 50-60 years like this.

Keep some sort of hope alive, but I am also saying, at some point find other things to focus your attention on. I have given up trying to meet someone. At 30, and especially after 10 years, I don't beleive it is going to happen for me. So I am preparing to take care of me - get done with school, get going on graduate school, start figuring out how to buy a home, look into things that I kept waiting to have someone in my life to do with. Yea, it ****s. But again, you have to get on with your life.

[Jenasis]

The pain of being alone is a universal human experience.