letting go.....

[gila91]

How do you let go of your kids???? It is time for me to let go of my son (20), who is the first born. I will be here to give him advice, but he has to go live his life! After the girlfriend came to visit and he did not come home that night.....it hit me like a ton of bricks. He is a man and its time to let go! boohoo....

I have found myself feeling depressed knowing that this is something I have to do. We were always close until he left for college....now two years later, I see that he can talk to his father better than me now. Oh how this makes me so sad, here come the tears.....since his girlfriend came, I have been a sombie...my daughter keeps asking me wants wrong....I can't really pin point it execpt to say that it has something to do with letting go.....my heart is so sad...i'm rambling now, thanks for letting me vent.

Any advice on how to handle this sadness would be helpful

Thanks

[MoodSwinger]

he's just growing up, basically becoming a man. I'm speaking from personal experience. im only 23 and my bf is 24 and i dont think his mom likes me. ever since we started dating 8 months ago, she's gotten worse. she'll call him and say " i miss my baby boy" he just doesnt know how to tell her that he's starting his own life and doesnt need her as much as he used to.

i think you should cheer up and be happy that he's becoming a man. he'll always be your son, and im sure he just feels a bit more comfortable talking to dad because he's a man. you shouldnt be sad, you should be proud. :)

[Selah]

gila, It is expected and "normal" for you to feel this way. It broke my heart to have my children leave home for college several years ago - especially the first born....You are in a period of grieving, and go ahead and grieve. Things will get so much better. I'll tell you the same thing that a good older friend told me...."be thankful that they want to leave home, grow up, be responsible, and are happy." I have three wonderful, happy, responsible adult children. It was difficult for me to have them return home from college as well. This same friend told me, "be glad that they want to return home, and life is about "change", so embrace it even if it hurts". I hope this helps, but know that you are suppose to be sad....a bitter sweet experience!

[Selah]

Oh, yea another thing... my children also became closer to their dad once they were in college...however, this really didn't bother me...I was so happy that dad could now share the emotional and spiritual load....I felt like a burden was lifted. He is now the one that telephones them, etc.,...what a relief for me because I'm now staying busy with my new career and loving it! Be glad that they have a dad that allows them to get close to him. I know that you are, but having dad bonding more with the children will give you freedom, rest and a sense of peace....

[kbrownie4]

I totally understand,my daughter left three years ago and she is like my sister! That was the hardest,but ya know what she always comes home!! To eat or whatever LOL

[heartland]

This makes me sad...mine is 14. I'm already crying about him leaving!!! I may have 4 more years with him. He's my one and only. I wish he was 3 again.
Sorry, i don't have anything good to say!! I hope you feel better :)

[hocysk8er]

You will be fine. I was 45 mins away at college for 5 years, then graduated and moved 2 hours from home. I know my mom was really sad, but she calls often. I think that helps a lot. Just make sure you stay in touch and let him know that you miss him. Next time you see him, let him know. This will help him to better understand the phone calls he will get when you have nothing to say and just want to talk to him.

[megchrisl]

I understand how you are feeling, only I am on the other side of things. I am 24, and my mother in law has had a very hard time letting go of her boys. She has done many things to interfere with our privacy and life, although she does not mean to do this. Being upset or sad about this only makes your relationship with your son worse, and he may become resentful. You should look at his girlfriend as a new addition to the family, don't think about it as if she's taking him away. It is normal for men to go through a period like that, but once they are more settled and have kids, trust me they will be needing your help and advice. I would not worry about it but just realize that he is expressing his independence.

[kaydin81]

hi gila, you have a pm:)

[texasmom]

Gila- so sorry to hear your battleing with this... but i guess its something we all will have to encounter at some point.. from what i had to go thru with my hubbys mom.. i can tell you from experience.. my hubby was VERY close to his mom.. and she went thru the same things u are speaking of here.. the best advice i can give you is... to let him go! let him discover the person he is.. you have done your job Gila.. now its time for him to take all of the things u have instilled in him.. and find his place outside of his family.. the relationship between you and him will never be taken away.. but.. it will change..embrace that change and dont make him feel guilty for wanting to discover the person he is outside of his comfort zone! its hard.. but the relationship my hubby has NOW with his mom is sooo much more meaningful .. just in a diffrent way!

take care girl... its just the progression of life... seeing your kido go from little boy.. to grown man is a hard adjustment to accept!

just dont fill him with "oh poor mom" talk.. let him know that u will always be there for him.. no matter what he encounters in his life.. its having to make the change from having a realtionship with your child to having a relationship with your adult son!

:heartpump: :heart: :heartpump:

[ December 30, 2004, 03:34 PM: Message edited by: texasmom ]

[gila91]

Thank you all.....you all have darn good advice. That last thing I want is to make him feel guilty and the other last thing...I don't want him to be a mama's boy! I'm very proud of who he has become...and really all I can do now is depend on his upbringing. I have brought him up the best I knew how. I will except any girl that comes in that front door as I don't want to play the struggle game and I sure don't want my son to feel like he is in the middle :)

Hocysker8er, thanks from a guys point of view. Next time I see him, I will tell him, the phone calls he will get from me when I really don't have anything to say, is just because I miss him. I think he will finally understand why I call so often. That is a good idea. :)

You all have made me feel much better and I'm grateful. I will take this one day at a time, just like my weight LOL!!!!

I'm still growing up and dang, it's still hard :)

[gila91]

Oh, kaydin I pm'd you back. Thanks :)

THANKS TO ALL :heart:

[Christy223]

I NEED to PM you. Crying as I read!

[Pretty Lola]

Hi Gila- I have an almost-2 year old daughter that I love to pieces. I'm already aware that I have to enjoy every single minute, because soon I will be the cause of all her teenage embarrassment!! lol I can relate to you as a mom.

But I can also tell you from the "girlfriend's" perspective that when I married my husband his family really made me feel accepted. Whether or not they liked me at first, they never treated me badly and once I became his wife they always deferred to me as HIS family now. My mother-in-law is AWESOME!!! My husband is very close to her and I can see how well he was brought up and what a good example she set in everything. She was a great mother. She's very conscious of not 'butting in' too much, which I really appreciate...and in turn, I'm very comfortable when my dh calls her to chat or ask advice. I enjoy having her visit as much as possible. I know she's not trying to win her baby boy back. And I know my dh appreciates that and it makes him feel even CLOSER to his mom.

Anyways, the only thing constant in life is change, isn't it. It's so hard. Just when you get comfortable, you have to wrap your mind around something new! If you raised your boy well and had a good relationship with him, he'll come back. His dependence may shift to his wife one day, but you'll always be his MOM and nobody can replace that!!

[Christy223]

Oh Lola - how beautiful! I needed to hear this as well as Gila! Thanks. :)

[texasmom]

Gila- good to hear your feeling better!
we are all still growing up.. i wish life came with a manual!


hope your day is better tomorrow!!