Another long one. In general I just want to thank this entire community for their positive attitudes, kind words and wishes, advice, prayers, honesty, and support. I really did not expect such a warm welcome and it really does help to know people care, and I hope that my post may someday help someone else who's searching through the keywords of the forum like I was. I hope they see what wonderful people are here to support them and feel safe opening up if they need help too. Now I'd like to take a moment to respond to individuals:
Jipi ~ Thank you. Thank YOU for listening.
KayBee ~ Thank you for your insight and for wishing me luck, I appreciate your kindness and I agree that there are psychological issues that need to be addressed before other issues can be resolved. I've had a very rough year+ and I'm comfortable enough with my new doctors to keep going to them, but don't fully trust them yet. I wish I could afford a separate counselor just to work on my body image and self esteem issues. Struggling with my weight my whole life wasn't the hard part, it was suddenly losing almost half of my body, seeing how skinny I could be, and then gaining some back that has really bothered me. When I was a size 28, I never thought a 16 wouldn't be good enough, I dreamt of it every night, and yet after I'd worn a 10 or 12 for a year, suddenly it was different. I have a constant fear of gaining back all of my weight and having gone through gastric bypass for nothing. I have an incredibly hard time sticking to my post-op diet guidelines because I don't get sick like others do when I eat "no no's", I can still eat large portions sometimes, and the worst part is that I am ALWAYS hungry because my stomach constantly is empty, the minute I eat food falls right out... I went back to my surgeon for an upper GI X-ray but he said everything was fine, and I can't really afford yet another specialist right now. As far as exercise, I made a very serious effort to get into a vigorous routine, but was crippled by pain, only to find out a few months later than I have fibromyalgia and I'll have to cope with this pain forever. Now I'm trying to find some forms of exercise I can do that will strengthen my muscles, improve my heart health, and help me burn calories, without causing my joints to swell or my muscles to ache so bad I can't walk. That was probably a little more than you needed as a response, but I sincerely thank you for listening.
NJRagdoll ~ Thank you very much for your support and insights into addiction. I especially appreciate your open-mindedness and nonjudgmental, positive attitude. You pointed out some very serious truths without being condescending and I thank you for that. It was good for me to hear them. Thank you also for suggesting NA, AA, etc. I may try to find out if there's a local chapter. I avoid treatment/rehab centers/inpatient therapy not only because of the cost, but because of the distrust I have for doctors. Sometimes I feel like the less they know about some things, the less likely it's going to come back and smack me in the face someday. After I admitted my cocaine use to my therapist, I had to spend an entire day filling out forms saying exactly who could and could not be informed... all of my other doctors within the system were instantly told whether I wanted them to know or not, but luckily the information was not passed on to my school, where it could have ruined my chances at getting my degree, and at finding a job. Confidentiality is a tricky thing. If I had been using cocaine when I told them about it that'd be one thing, because the responsible thing for them to do would be to get me into some sort of treatment program, but I had been clean over 6 months on my own at that point; June 26th will be my one year anniversary of quitting cocaine and methamphetamine. I have never personally been turned away, although I have been refused prescriptions based on my history despite the positive difference said medications could have on my life, and my willingness to be closely monitored. I have been denied painkillers to treat my worst fibromyalgia flare ups, and I have been denied medications for ADD/concentration difficulties since they're stimulants. I now feel I probably do not have ADD (it's still possible based on my childhood history, impulsivity, etc.) but rather the cognitive difficulties, memory issues, concentration problems, etc. could all be related to the fibromyalgia, other sufferers call it "fibro fog". Now that I know about it and have heard their stories it's not so scary. I did have a friend who was addicted to prescription painkillers and xanax for many years... she drove herself to rehab, took her last handful of pills and walked in... and they told her to turn right back around and leave because they didn't treat people unless they had a "more serious" drug problem like heroin. She finally decided enough was enough and went through a rough month of detox in her own home. It makes me angry that sometimes people really need help and yet are denied. She should've been monitored during that time because suddenly NOT having a drug in one's system can cause just as many problems as suddenly putting one in. Anyway, thank you again for all of your input and reminding me of God's love. I thank Him for your help.
akalmh ~ Thanks for the input; I've had a rough history with doctors. I've been actively seeking treatment for depression, insomnia, and anxiety since last fall. Most of my conditions have worsened or stayed the same rather than improved, and new conditions have presented. I was tested for ADD and the results were inconclusive because my attention scores fell in the normal range but my memory and intelligence scores were very high, so there was a discrepancy but they didn't know if ADD was the cause, or if anxiety/depression were causing my difficulties with concentration. I have just recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and have found out that all of the symptoms I've been trying to fix separately are all related, and difficulties with memory and concentration are included in the package. I agree that getting the right diagnosis and treatment for underlying conditions can make a huge difference, and yet some of my symptoms are still not being managed effectively. It's so frustrating to keep throwing my money away and not feel like I'm any closer to improving my quality of life. Everyone's kindness here is encouraging me to discuss my body image issues with my therapist, although I am not sure I'm ready to tell her about the phentermine yet. I'm currently taking it and I know that I need to let this binge run it's course, or I will think of nothing else but the phentermine and my weight. As soon as I'm ready to quit again, which should be only a few days, I think I am going to flush my remaining pills down the toliet, or if I decide I may want to give it a shot in the future, I will give them to my best friend to guard from me. Thank you for sharing your experience with me, I am glad for you that you're receiving good treatment and living a happier, healthier life. You inspire me to strive for the same.
Chubbyone ~ Thank you for offering to listen, I deeply appreciate it, and thank you for your encouragement. I can't really express how grateful I am that everyone on this forum has been so supportive and positive; this is not the first time I've felt the need to confess an unpleasant truth on an online message board, and the last time I was flooded with hate mail. However I felt relieved having said my piece, and knowing that maybe someone else out there who couldn't speak up had a voice through me. I hope this time the same is true; I know there are others out there and I want them to know they're not alone, and I'm so glad everyone's been so kind to me because I think that encourages others to be more open in the future.
crbr0905 ~ Thank you so much. I feel like I have helped myself start the recovery process, and if I've even slightly helped even one other person then it's worth it to put myself out there like this. I am truly thankful that everyone has been so supportive here. Thank you so much for your prayers; I know God gives me strength through the kindness of people like you.